Listen

There is something about the sounds around you that are beautiful and like nothing you’ll ever hear again, because they are there, with you, at that very moment sharing the same experience and their vibrations with you.  The low hum of the air conditioning, the squeak of the rails on the train tracks, the defunct door on the other end of the corridor sliding an inch one way and then the other, the quiet voice and hiccups of the little thai girl behind me, they are all so wonderful.  I’m on the express (not the kind of “express” we’re used to, in fact, the opposite of it) overnight train 51 from Bangkok to Lamphun Thailand and with only 2 more hours of my journey left, I’m not exactly sure where I am.  Before leaving I spent a record amount of time in Pitnap Plaza in Bangkok purchasing the only electronics I’ve had on my list since I started traveling: hair clippers, 1TB external hard drive and 2GB RAM for my netbook.  Now when I say record time, I don’t mean I set a record by living there all day, which I could have very easily done in a complex that is probably 20 times the size of Best Buy, and it looked like the plethora of orange robed monks were doing just that, but I hit every floor of this 7 story building and managed to get all 3 items in less than 30 minutes.  This place is an electronic nerds wet dream, filled with cameras of all kinds, cheap pirated DVDs, CDs and computer software and games, projectors, TVs, computers, accessories for all those things.  Basically, if it has a power button, it’s sold in any number of the privately owned shops that cover all the square footage of this place.  Not exactly the way I should be spending my day before checking into Vipassana but then again, I’m not known for easing myself into that retreat.  At least I didn’t end up in the throes of passion with a ridiculously beautiful Israeli Paratrooper this time around, with a wicked hang over to tend to while waiting for registration like with my first Vipassana experience in Dharamsala, India last August.  Sensory overload, while still a bit maddening, is a way better transition than my former experience.

I spent the afternoon yesterday acquiring SO MUCH amazing and incredible music for my journey north but now that I’m awake and here, all I feel like doing is listening to whatever sounds surround me.  This seems to be a trend for me and while in Goa, it was also for safety reasons, I just REALLY enjoy being right where I am and not dazed off into some other world, which is what music does for me.  For the first time I just saw lotus flowers, in their natural, wild state, growing majestically from the sludge pond that rests just below the train tracks.  There was a Thai person wearing cloth all around their face and a straw hat atop his/her head while riding a rusted bicycle down a dirt path.  Two shirtless men were chest deep in the aforementioned sludge pond pulling up what looked like a fishing net and just a few track strides down, another man, fully clothed, dug around in the middle of a patch of lotus flowers for only he knows what.  The houses lining the tracks vary greatly from straw shacks on the ground, to wooden houses on stilts elevated 8 feet off the ground, to more elaborate abodes as we approach main train stations.  Rice paddies cover a majority of the farm land and everything is so lush and green, despite the fact that outside my air conditioned bubble, it’s already 90+ degrees outside at only 10am.  I can tell I’m already preparing my mindset for Vipassana, the land of complete and total presence.  The land where you’re so present you notice the tiniest sounds, the smallest creatures and for entertainment, you feed the ants.  It was hilarious to find out that a majority of the women on my last Vipassana course fed the ants during our meals and watched them, either solo or in a team, carry the food away that we provided. 

My brief time in Bangkok was wonderful in non-tourist aspects, because I spent a lot of time in my friend’s house just relaxing and mentally adjusting to living a different type of life than the last 4 months.  It provided some insight on how things will be for me whenever I do go back home to live, verses for a visit.  Some of the challenges quickly exposed themselves and I have a clearer idea of what I will need to do to proactively prepare myself for my return to the US.  I’m not too incredibly focused on that now of course, since I have about another year I’d like to be gone, but it’s good things to realize so I can tuck them back into my mind for when I will need it later. 

Going into Vipassana now I feel stronger, mentally and emotionally, I feel I’m more aware of myself, I feel I can fully let go and let the experience be whatever it is supposed to be for me.  I guess that goes not only for Vipassana but for every aspect of this path I’m treading at the moment.  I’ve accomplished some personal feats that I’m proud of, taking steps I need to for myself, making personal declarations and having the self discipline to see them through, being more mindful, open and accepting.  I’ve improved at asking better questions when I don’t understand something instead of making assumptions based on my own perspective.  These next 10 days, I’ll take the strength and self discipline I’ve learned  to new levels.  I’m going in with no expectations for what the days will hold for me; although, I will say I’m VERY thankful they are letting me bring rehydration salts with me because while I’m not having expectations for my practice, I DO have realistic expectations I will be sweating… A LOT.  Anyone who has been with me on any hospital visit or the love on the other end of the phone when I’ve had heat stroke or severe dehydration know how bad I can get, even with being careful!  I’m going to take all the love I have within myself and the love so many of my dear friends have shared with me and do the best I can with patience, acceptance and understanding. 

On a less serious note - I almost fell into the hole in the bathroom while the train was moving.  For anyone who follows me on Instagram (I don't post all my photos to twitter or FB) will see what the bathroom sitch is and the hole that doesn't go into a murky pool of liquid but straight to the rocks and tracks below.  While in a deep squat, which 98.7% of american's probably can't even get into, it's already hard enough to balance but when going from stationary to a sudden jerk of movement, it's downright terrifying when what's below your butt is a metal hole.  I'd like to thank the one "oh shit" handle bar on the side of the bathroom for helping me brace myself and my muscle spasm back for it's apparent 90% healed status and letting my abs engage so I didn't end up in a big oops of nasty.  Holy... shit!

I’ll see you all on the other side and for now, I want to get back to listening to the squeaky train and watching the rural Thai world fly by my window.

Love anicca in all its transitory glory…
xxxox

Dirty

Relaxed Stability & April 10L/O

The universe isn’t always the most discrete with the messages it’s trying to deliver to you, in fact, sometimes it’s downright violent! I mean, obviously our world is getting highly overpopulated by the resource grubby humans that don’t seem to want to slow down on the procreation so natural disasters are, so far, gradually taking care of business.  My friend Claudio and I actually were discussing the balance of the earth and who’s going to win the race to “take care” of human population, since we are inept at doing so ourselves, mother nature, in the form of violent catastrophes, or THE MAN, in the form of a mass plague that will eradicate populations around the world.  I’m not gunna lie, my vote is for mother nature and even if I’m in her wake, whatever, each day of life is as good as I make it.  Claudio voted for THE MAN and actually, LA dude, in a completely different discussion yesterday thought it would be THE MAN too since it’s man’s nature to destroy itself.  These, ladies and gentlemen, are the typical conversations I find myself in whilst living abroad.  WORLD ANNIHALATION!!! MAUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!  Nah, we talk about sex too. J

I went a little ahead of myself and I’m really being selfish with bringing this up because I’m talking about my OWN universal catastrophes.   If you pay attention to yourself, you’ll start to notice little things too and that universe could just be your body telling you something and if you fail to listen, it MAKES you listen.  Like when I was dysentery for a week, I knew my body needed a rest, I knew I needed to simmer down in either my ashtanga class or my evening hatha class but did I?  NooOoOoOoooo… so instead, my body made me explode out of both ends for a week and left me so weak and skeletor, I needed to ease back into my routine once I could stand up straight.  That is old news though.

I’m still in Arambol, I haven’t left Arambol and I’ve planned countless times to leave Arambol.  About a month ago, I was minorly stressed about what to do with my life once Balu’s classes finished on the 31^st of March and I had until May 15 to be in Australia.  I did say “minorly” stressed right, because that’s not really anything to stress about, I know this. I knew a Vipassana needed to go into that month and a half somewhere but I didn’t know which country I wanted to go to.  Thailand was pulling me but I only get a month visa on arrival and you have to do border runs and when doing those, you’re only left with 15 days before you have to do another one.  For those who don’t know what vipassana is, it’s a 10 day, complete noble silence (no talking, no eye contact, no physical contact, no gestures), 12 hours a day of meditation, you eat only 2 times a day, last meal being at 11:30am, you wake at 4am and you go to sleep at 9:30pm.  The LAST thing you want to do after getting out, whilst in your bliss of higher consciousness, is a run to the border to renew a visa.  You barely want to even talk to anyone when you’re free.  Malaysia has 3 month visas but it’s supposed to be as hot, if not hotter and more humid than India AND Thailand and if you have seen me workout, you have seen me sweat… just breathing is enough to make me sweat in this heat so Malaysia was tabled.  There was one option that I thought about but immediately brushed aside – how about I stay in Arambol and just RELAX and DO NOTHING but read, my own yoga, lay on the beach and swim in the Arabian?  “HA!!” I thought to myself.  “Stay somewhere where there is NO purpose.  No yoga classes, no aerial, no friends, shops closing, no… ANYTHING.  Yeah right!  I don’t DO that!”  To my credit, I have done just that, the relaxing, do nothing vacation, once in my life and it was last February when a few of my ladies and I went to maui.  I didn’t want to drive on the Hana Highway, I didn’t want to do ANYTHING but lay out and read and maybe a little SUP.  This was also after I had just finished 3 months of hard manual labor in Lesotho and 2 weeks of serious gallivanting around Europe so I was pooped!  I have a hard time just BEING, which plagues a majority of the western world.  We always have to be working on something, doing something, talking to someone, running from one thing to the next, setting up our schedules, looking at our schedules, looking at our schedules while we’re already doing something, and we’re often times half talking to the person sitting in front of us while half talking to someone else on our phone.  It’s always go go go go go.  The busyness here isn’t like at home but I’d still leave yoga to throw a fruit, muesli and curd down the chop to run home to get into beach wear to run to meet alba at the beach before it got to hot… you know… it’s very hectic here!  I wanted to leave Arambol the week I got here and contemplating staying longer just to avoid the visa run in Thailand seemed ludicrous!  You may be wondering, “why not go somewhere else in India?”  Goa, while it’s getting hotter, is not AS hot as the entire rest of the southern part of Goa.  The only place to escape the heat is to head north, which I wanted to do but every train in India to anywhere is currently booked 2 months out and airfare to the north was just as much as airfare to Thailand AND I’m flying from Thailand to Perth because it’s cheaper SO, cost, is what was limiting that option.  In the end, I made up my mind and was going to head to Thailand immediately after Balu’s classes were over and then do a visa run the day before Vipassana.  Done!  Good plan!

About 2/3 through March I awoke one morning and whilst brushing my teeth, had a crazy tickle in the back of my throat and coughed, causing an immense pain to shoot through my ribs.  I didn’t think much of it so managed through a few days until the day after Alba left and that day it hurt to even breathe.  2 visits to a doctor and it was confirmed that I had a muscle spasm originating at my spine that would shoot searing pains through my angry intercostals and ANYTHING I did hurt, excluding laying supine and NOT MOVING.  Breathing hurt, walking on uneven surfaces hurt, opening my door hurt, showering hurt, sitting up straight hurt, the process of going from sitting to laying hurt, EVERYTHING hurt and for 2-3 days sometimes so bad that anytime I moved my eyes would well with tears.  I feared the littlest of coughs and I was deathly afraid to sneeze.  After doing tons of research and talking to the doctors this lovely lil injury, which seems to be yet another little ache that is residual from my head-on collision a year ago, takes WEEKS to heal!  It was settled, if I want this to heal as quickly as possible so I can get back to my yoga groove, I’m parkin my ass, literally!  Plus, I can’t even open my door, let alone carry a 30lb bag across country borders.

I resolved I was going to read, a lot, and do things I’ve wanted to do since I got here but somehow never got around to.  I picked up my pranayama books and started reading and I made a vow, since I could actually manage deep breathing while supine, I was going to make myself a full time nose breather!!  Big hairy audacious goals I have, right?  I already had a handle on it, for the most part, during the day but those unconscious hours are just so hard to tackle because, you’re unconscious.  Supposedly once you make it a permanent habit during the day, your body adjusts so at night, no more snoring, no more dry, choked coughs and good bye to middle of the night accidental protein snacks.  I’m 2 weeks down and from what I can see, it’s working! 

I couldn’t help but laugh at the situation, seriously doped up on muscle relaxers, while how just weeks prior I didn’t think it was possible for me to just chill being here with nothing to do but relax.  I don’t think a person can get any more relaxed than bed rest!  I mean, had I done this on my own free volition I would’ve enjoyed maybe a run on the beach before the sun came up, my own yoga practice, walking up the hill every night at sunset, finding cool places to go during the day, laying on the beach to work on my non-existent tan but instead, I’ve had to totally adjust my way of thinking and life while, essentially, stuck here.  Aside from the pain, which FINALLY after a week and a half of LITERAL bed rest has very slowly and gradually started to subside, it’s been really wonderful.  I’ve finished reading every pranayama book I have and I’m currently creating a 3-5 day workshop (I knew my time at Verizon was good for SOMETHING… training development…but of something I LOVE!), I’ve finished 3 other books, started 3 others, I’ve taken up a consistent morning pranayama practice, I decided, since I’m sedentary, now is the perfect time to tackle my sugar addiction and most importantly, I’ve rested.  I had to remind myself, “it’s OK to just BE!” I’ve had to be patient with myself and the situation which I cannot change and make the best of it and I have to be honest, it’s been kind of fun trying to see just what one CAN do when all they can do is lay in bed without moving. 

When I leave Arambol, I would have stayed here 4 months.  I’ve stayed in my guest house longer than any other guest in its history, which isn’t surprising because the people who come here, knowing they will stay 2+ months, pick much quieter areas.  The last time I stayed in one place for 4 months, without going anywhere was when I was in JUNIOR HIGH!!! That was NINETEEN YEARS AGO!  I remember when Michelle and I dated she said, “you’re ALWAYS going somewhere, you’re too busy to date!” I thought she was being ridiculous, which she WAS, but now that I think of it, I am always somewhere else besides where I live.  If it’s not leaving Seattle to go to Oregon to see my family, or east to see more family, or to one corner of the country for a regatta, it’s going to only god knows where for a concert fest, or to other countries to gallivant or volunteer, or countless other cities for festivals or shows.  I.do.NOT.stay.put!  You can cover Seattle, by car, from one end to the other in about 30-45 min (think West Seattle to Wedgewood/North Seattle).  Arambol, on the other hand, you can go from one end to the other in 20 minutes WALKING!  It’s been nice finding new things to do while I’ve been here and enjoying this little town as much as possible.  I made myself available and open to any and all opportunities that wanted to present themselves and I’ve been flooded with them since I arrived, after I removed my head from my own ass, of course (see Dying and Flying... Maybe Not in that Order blog entry).  I’m not sure if this is the start of a new phase in my life where stability and grounding will become important or if it’s just a crazy fluke but it’s definitely a far cry from what I’ve done historically.  It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be one of those people who can just be content and happy staying in one place for an extended period of time.  I mean, I know the heading for my birth date was “Excited Instability” in my former lady friend’s astrology book but there’s a chance I could change, right?  I know billions of people do it across the globe, why can’t I? That all said, I do have a ticket and I am leaving…

XXXoX

Dirty, sweaty, bitten and bruised

P.S.  I kinda want to come back to Arambol next season too.  Sssssssshhhh… don’t tell anyone!

 P.P.S. Oh yeah... my April 10Likes/Opportunities below

10 Likes

• Incredibly easy going and adaptable
• When my body says to rest, I rest
• Willing to try just about anything
• Immense self awareness
• Don’t take things personally
• Amazing at entertaining myself
• Take time for me when I need it
• Better understanding that people do what they feel is right for them and to not judge
• LOVE TO READ AND LEARN!!
• The heart… is OPENING and god damn it’s HUGE!

10 Opportunities

• Take time to have patience and not get frustrated
• Seek to find the balance between being present in my surroundings and present outside my surroundings
• Make better use of my days or consciously determine I just need to relax
• Continue to work on improving my self-discipline with my sugar addiction
• NEED to figure out and maintain a daily/weekly budget
• Learn to simmer my anxiety about my frustrations with my own country
• Write more
• More consistency in my pranayama and meditation practice
• Take more pictures
• I REALLY need to wax my legs!