Vipassana

You know, it’s been just over a full year since I did my first Vipassana and in 53 weeks, I managed to do 4 of these suckers and I’ve written almost nothing about what it is.  It’s had such a drastically profound impact on my life and it’s something I never expected would yield the results that it has.  Seriously… I’m perpetually blown away by what living in silence and sitting for 10 ½ hours a day, not to mention the continued daily practice, just observing the sensations in your body, can do for your mental and emotional state.  So I want to give ya’ll, whomever is interested, a little lesson in what a S.N. Goenka 10-day Vipassana course is all about and what you do.  Even with reading about it you’ll have NO IDEA what it REALLY is until you do one yourself.  I read an entire book, written by one of his students in partnership with Goenka, on what it was before I ever went and I was still completely unprepared for what I was getting myself into… not in a bad way, just in a “oh my holy good god, wtf is THIS?!” kinda way. J  I have NO idea how long this will be so bear with me ;)

My Own Transformations

I guess these are why I feel it’s important to actually put this info out there for whomever may want to read it.  I actually believe to my core, that it’s possible Buddha existed and that many buddhas have existed in the past an in the present and will in the future and it’s because I, myself, have already witnessed such immense changes in myself.  Take what yoga did to me over the course of a few years and increase the benefit exponentially and in a drastically reduced time and THAT is what Vipassana has done for me.  Had I known THIS is what meditation was capable of doing, I could have saved myself thousands of dollars in therapy and tons of heartache and dissatisfaction with life.  I guess I wasn’t ready for it earlier though and I’m thankful it HAS come into my existence.  So here are some ways I’ve changed:

• I’m more patient and easy going.  I don’t freak out if things don’t go my way anymore. 
• I’m way less of a control freak
• Increased desire to listen and not just talk
• Less desire to spout my opinion about things and what others are doing 
• Ask more mindful and thoughtful questions to try to understand where someone else is at and help them understand themselves
• More accepting and understanding of others and myself.  Even when I don’t understand, I’m more prone to accept
• Way more compassionate
• I realized there is NO such thing as multi-tasking, only fraction-tasking and it's way less fulfilling than single tasking.  I also don't see "multi-tasking" as a good thing anymore.
• More flexible and understanding with shifts in my life and the people in it
• I enjoy each and every single bite of food I eat, well... almost... gettin there anyway
• More genuine, unconditional love for myself and others
• Greatly enhanced awareness.  I’m still a total pain in the ass at times but I recognize it almost immediately and either rectify or smooth things over as soon as I’m a douche or even stop myself before I’m a total bitch. J  My mom is grateful for this! Haha
• Present moment awareness is way more present in my life
• Happy for no damn good reason
• More of a selfless giver
• More appreciative of the time I have and what I do with it but I don't feel the need to always be DOING something.  I'm totally content staring at the clouds and immersing myself experience in that and that alone.
• My ability to let go of certain things has greatly improved… certain things…
• When I’m in a funk, I’m better at observing how I’m feeling and letting the sensations pass, instead of feeding my misery.  Same goes for my moments of elation… I enjoy them but watch them pass and I’m not bummed when I’m back to my normal.
• I sincerely want to change the world… new desire I have and I’ve let go of any desired outcome ;)

God… SO MANY MORE!!  Another big thing that happens when you meditate is something I started to experience on my 2^nd and each subsequent Vipassana course… I felt my intellect, things I have KNOWN for YEARS, go from the mind of intellect and drop into the heart of wisdom.  This experience is so indescribable and so fucking brilliant!  AAAHHH!!!  It can be as subtle as just having a realization and going “oh, duh, I get it” to a massive explosion where I felt like I got hit by a speeding train of light and that something actually viscerally dropped from my head into my heart!  I’ve had both experiences and everything in between.  These realizations kind of creep up whenever they feel like it and you can’t control what you realize.  Sometimes I’ve had a realization when I’m just observing my sensations and something just dons on me.  Other times the teacher says something to someone else and as it hits my ears while I’m meditating, the light bulb explodes into brightness… they just come!!  The big things that have moved from intellect to wisdom are: 

• EVERYTHING GOES AWAY (so what’s the point of attachment??)
• Self love
• Love and relationships
• Opening oneself to the possibility of change, you can't force yourself to change
• Importance of total self awareness
• Uselessness of comparisons in life
• You can only work through your struggles and others can only work through theirs

Those are the doozies I’ve had.  I wish I could explain more clearly what it’s like to experience a realization but they are so awesome, I can’t.  I truly understood though how it’s nice to have a massive intellectual knowledge base but that it’s really pointless and you can’t do much with it until it’s in the heart of wisdom.  We could experience these on a daily basis if we were just more present and aware but alas, we aren’t.  The universe also seems to deliver the messages that you NEED to have, whether you knew you needed to have it or not.

You know how in books you read on enlightened beings and how they say, “The more you come to know, the more you realize you don’t know anything”… I get that now.  I feel like I know nothing!! *laughs*

Biggest moment for me thus far was this last course.  I’ve had a locked down metal heart for a long time, call it due to my father abandoning us and my fear to leave myself vulnerable to myself… It’s slowly been getting chipped away but this last course, in the final moments of silence on day 10, in our last serious meditation, I felt my chest rip open, a beam of blinding light shine from my heart center and it felt like it was breathing its own oxygen from the atmosphere, which no need for the lungs.  Tears started to come out of eyes and it.was.AMAZING!  Later that day, I realized, in a subsequent meditation, that I had forgiven my father... and with that, everyone else in my life who I feel may have harmed me; although, it was always me harming myself.  The harm of a parent seems to just go deeper and it was during my first 12 years of life so how was I to know any better?  Not to say my heart is like a wide open beacon of awesomeness from this point forward but it definitely showed me how it can and SHOULD be!  It was beyond brilliance! 

I’ve probably had so many more transformations that are so subtle I may not even be aware of them and others I'm just not thinking of off hand.  Basically, I’m a love bubble now.

How I Came to Vipassana

I started practicing yoga (mainly asana or the physical practice) in 2007 and I just wanted to stretch out my rower muscles.  Around 2009 I started to practice more consistently and upon resigning/getting laid off from the VzW my practice went from 4-5 times a week to almost 2 times a day.  I gained flexibility, I was able to do some crazy arm balances, my strength was changing but I also noticed something more profound, I was A LOT calmer, a lot more patient, slightly more present and I had no idea why.  I wasn’t exposed to the Hindu or Yoga philosophy at all and these changes just manifested on their own after a few years of yoga.  When I left my job I wanted to learn as much as I could about this thing that had seemed to change so much in me in such a short period of time so I went to India to do a Teacher Training to learn more about Yoga Philosophy, the Sutras and all other aspects of the 8 limbs of yoga, besides the 3^rd limb, which is asana. 

At my TTC, plans had been made with my friend Jade to head north to Dharamsala to study Iyengar and as I was browsing wikitravel I saw a few retreat centers for meditation in the area and voiced that maybe I should give one a try.  Within a fraction of a second, Jade and my friend Dominic (both who are like the light on any dark day) both excitedly yelled, “OMG, DO VIPASSANA!!! It’s the hardest, most intense meditation retreat you can do!!”  I looked, it was there and being someone who has lived in the extremes thought, “why the hell not?!”  So I signed up, not knowing really anything about meditation, so this would be my first experience.  I told my friend Ashish and he laughed and said, “omg, you’re voluntarily going into PRISON!?”  Yes, that is what S.N. Goekna Vipassana is known as and funny enough, there is a whole wing of Tihar (biggest prison in Delhi) that is dedicated to Vipassana Meditation for the inmates.  So… prison… here I come!!

Caveats

• I have only done a Vipassana course with S.N. Goekna so I can’t speak for other methods.  That being said, there ARE other methods of Vipassana and obviously of meditation but a majority (98%) of my practice is rooted in this method.  I have loved (and let’s be honest, hated) it so much and I’ve seen such crazy changes that I didn’t find it necessary to “shop around” any further.  That may change but for right now, I’m satisfied with what I’ve got.  There are walking vipassana courses in Thailand that are “same-same but different” and there are tons of other Buddhist type Vipassana methods, which I haven’t done so I can’t say anything about them.  There are also tons of Hindu meditation methods but I have very little practice in those and always managed to fall asleep in the first 2 minutes of any Yoga Nidra (guided meditation).
• There is no short course for 1^st time students of S.N. Goenka and once you do your first, you totally understand why there is no fast forward method.  You can’t read a book or watch a video to just start practicing on your own… there is no quick way to get to a higher level of consciousness… sorry ya’ll! ;)  You can read up on the first method I’ll talk about, Calm Abiding, but that just calms the mind, it doesn’t purify the mind.

Teaching 

The method of practice is supposedly the original teachings of Gotama the Buddha.  I want to be clear, this is NOT Buddhism, filled with various rights and rituals and different dogmas.  I don’t have to do prostrations every day, chant mantras, do the lovely mudras or anything like that.  It’s all straight up practice and I LOVE it for that reason.  Whatever devotion you have for the practice you hold in your heart once you have experienced the changes yourself.  People from ALLLLLL walks of life and all religious backgrounds practice this.  I’ve personally done courses with Christians, Muslims, Hindus, Agnostics, Atheists, Jews, Buddhists of all varieties, monks, nuns, Americans, Indians, Thai, Europeans, South Americans, Middle Easterners… you name it, it’s for EVERYONE!  Tenzin Palmo, while she is a Tibetan Buddhist nun and has a slightly different practice, has spent considerable time wanting to info share with Christians during her travels and when she gets there, all they want to do is learn to meditate so they can be better at controlling their own mind.  Funny how I have a video made by conservative Christians that say meditation and yoga are the work of the devil… that’s just pure and gross ignorance and fear of what they don’t know.  Plus, if it’s the Devil that’s making me a much better person, SIGN ME UP!!! ;)  Goenka makes it completely and totally non-secular and it’s very important to him that it stays that way and he says, “it’s not dhamma unless it is universal” and it can’t be universal unless you take dogma out of it.  No one should be offended by the practice, unless you are a person who is of blind faith and thinks just believing in Jesus or Muhammad, or anyone else will save you from your suffering even if you continue to be a raging asshole and treat yourself and others like shit.  Goenka does poke fun of those peeps a bit… no actual PRACTICE is condemned… whether it be another meditation method or a religious practice but he does ask you totally suspend ALL other practices while in the course and give it a full try.  Once you leave, you can of course do as you please.

It’s also been made easily accessible to all people, not just nuns and monks.  That being said, can this practice and this practice alone get you to enlightenment or would you need to get some super secret tips from a recluse?  I have not the damnedest idea but I’m not trying to reach enlightenment, I just want to be less of an asshole and a more awesome person for myself and others but who knows where or how far it will take me.  I don’t think I’ll ever know how far along the scale of change I’ll be anyway.  This process is like being plopped down to run an ultra marathon where you’re given a map on where to go but you can’t tell how far it is but you’ll know you’re done once you get to the little tiny road marker on the road that says “finish line.”  Alright… let’s get down into the 3 parts of the practice! J


Moral Code of Conduct

But but… this is part of religion!  No no no… just listen, although; the moral code and the 5 precepts you take ARE those of Buddhism but then again, we’re following the direct teaching of the Buddha.  They are really simple and abide by the thought that people should abstain from harmful words/actions and do pious actions.  Here are the 5 precepts you must take for the course and those you should try to live by as much as possible in daily life.  I’ll explain those that need explaining…

1. Abstain from killing – this means purposely ending the life of any being, whether a person, a dog or a bug.  Plants are not included and if you accidentally step on an ant while walking down the street, you won’t go to hell.  In fact, there is no hell and some might say that if you are living a life of self-inflicted suffering, you’re already in hell!  I have a REALLY hard time w/ mosquitos!  I will say, after my year of practice, aside from mosquitos, I don’t kill anything anymore and I accidentally killed a spider about a month ago and I felt genuine sadness in my heart for what I had just done.  I thought it would fall to the ground and survive, I swear!!!  I guess spiders as big as my palm can’t survive falls =( Intent also plays part in this… my intent was to shoo the spider off my balcony but what actually happened wasn’t that.  Like if you’re giving CPR to someone and your intent is to save them but let’s say they had a broken rib and when you pressed it punctured their lung, killing them… you did not purposely do harm, you were trying to do good and accidentally harm happened.  Abortion was not really covered but I know it’s not exactly a celebrated practice… I’m not getting into that debate here either
2. Abstain from lying – pretty self explanatory and this also includes exaggerations
3. Abstain from stealing – also pretty self explanatory
4. Abstain from Sexual Misconduct – this one needs explaining!  Which of these scenarios do you think would be considered “sexual misconduct”? 

a.       Hypothetical Scenario 1– let’s say I take my girlfriend (we’re REALLY GAY) home and upon getting inside my room, I throw her on the bed, lock her up in chains, flog the crap out of her and then proceed to fuck her up the ass until she screams in pleasure? (sorry for the detail… trying to make a point… wait for it… wait for it…)

b.      Scenario 2 – a guy is feeling horny as hell and just wants a piece o ass.  He knows his friend, who is a girl, really likes him, even though he’s not really into it, but he pursues the opportunity anyway because he wants some.  He says he’s not into anything serious and he knows she’s agreeing with the stipulation he has set only because she likes him SOOOOO much.  Knowing he’s going to hurt her, he has an intimate relationship with her anyway and screws her in the missionary position (yawn).  A few weeks later, he ends things and hurts the poor girl, which he knew was going to happen but he did it anyway because he was horny.

Ok… so which do you think is considered harmful??  A??  EEEEEEEERRR!!!  My sex isn’t harming ANYONE, especially YOU!  My girlfriend likes it rough, we’re both consensual adults and love each other and this is what we like.  Our intent is to love and satisfy each other.  Now scenario B is another story… the guy is only out for his own self benefit and isn’t taking into account the other person at all, even purposely emotionally harming her, as it were, so he can get some ass.  It doesn’t matter what kind of sex you have or whom you have it with, as long as both parties are consenting and harm isn’t anywhere in there.  Obviously, rape, molestation and those are considered harmful but I was rather pleased to know I’m not considered “harmful” if I love my girlfriend and like a little excitement… as it should be.  Thank you Gotama the Buddha. Oh and in Vipassana, there is NO touching in Noble Silence so celibacy is needed for the 10 days.

5.  Abstain from the use of intoxicants – People struggle with this one so let me explain the reason behind it.  It’s not because liquor or drugs are in themselves a “sin” it’s because the use of them inhibit your awareness and your ability to make proper decisions.  The use of intoxicants puts you at greater risk of breaking the aforementioned precepts.  This is totally abstaining from their use, it doesn’t say “abstain from getting shit faced.”  In Vipassana we can’t drink or smoke or anything but outside, we are our own masters and we do as we please.  If want to drink, we can drink, but it will hinder our ability to stick to the above, but that’s a choice we’re making.  I actually saw my own awareness suffer GREATLY while I was visiting home in October this past year as I was delivered interesting news… booze helped everything go into a downward spiral of crap.  After so much practice, I really don’t crave a drink at all anymore, or maybe that’s because wine and whiskey in India are AWFUL!  I did thoroughly enjoy some Malbec whilst in Australia and intend to do so again when I have a chance but considering what sort of boozer I was before, there has been a steep decline in my desire to ever go back to that.

These precepts aren’t commandments, they are, “you know, we know we’re all flawed but there should be a concerted effort to follow these BUT, you are your own master.”  If you break them, you do so with the awareness and knowledge that you’re ability to purify your mind may be halted temporarily, until you’ve straightened things out, or not progress as quickly, but that’s a choice you make, which you are free to do…. You know… make choices.

10-day course

Welcome!!  You’ve arrived!  You’re all registered, you have been assigned your room or dorm and things are about to get started.  You take a vow of 10 days of silence (really isn’t more like 9 ¼), NOBLE SILENCE!  That means no talking, no gestures, no eye contact.  Goenka mentions some reasons behind these but he doesn’t mention the biggest one (to me anyway), which I think allows people to think it’s not *that* serious.  When you’re in a Vipassana course, you are going so deep inside yourself, you’re basically leaving yourself open as an emotional gaping wound and you’re reaching inside to fix it.  In a completely isolated state it’s easier to do this, to really be in your own bubble of energy.  If you speak to anyone and ESPECIALLY touch or make eye contact with anyone, there is energy exchanged and you’re no longer on your own, you’ve come out of your bubble and you are now having an experience with someone else… this breaks things up a bit and lessens the intensity.  It’s not devastating but it’s really more powerful to stay to yourself.  I remember dating someone and just looking in her eyes and becoming a puddle… or just when we graze arms… that contact is really intense and it’s best to avoid that because this is a SELF practice, not a group practice, even if you are surrounded by people… you are… ALONE in this journey to your own depths.

You CAN talk to the management if there is anything you need to help make your stay more comfortable and you CAN talk to the teacher about the technique if you have questions.  Just don’t talk to other mediators.

There is also a course boundary, which you cannot pass and the sexes are separated.  I think that’s to keep distractions down but they certainly didn’t take the homos into account with this.  I’ve taken to wearing a scarf covering my face for a majority of my courses… sometimes it’s quite necessary, especially if there is a ridiculously gorgeous woman from Spain sitting right behind you! ;) 

There is a set schedule that involves waking at 4am to start meditating at 4:30 (I’m AWFUL at that bit) and then you go until 9pm at night, you eat what’s made for you, you can’t exercise but generally there are walking paths you can use, which aren’t expansive but are nice to have.  I’ll let the website fill in any blanks… on to the practice!!  www.dhamma.org for complete details and ALL the things you must know before registering.

Part 2 – Samadhi

So Buddha and the Yogi’s use the word Samadhi a bit differently.  In yoga, the goal is Samadhi, which is realization of the true nature of all things, the Buddha uses Samadhi as “single pointed concentration,” which in Ashtanga Yoga (the philosophy, not pattabhi jois Ashtanga) is the 6^th limb, which I’m forgetting the name of right now… Dharna?  The first 3 ½ days of a 10 day vipassana course you do a practice called Anapana, or Shamata or Calm Abiding.  It’s the practice where you sit there and focus on the breath coming in and out of the nostrils… that’s it!  Seriously.  3 ½ days of that.  Now each day the area in which you focus gets smaller and smaller and the reason for that is that your mind is not able to get to more subtle places until you start observing smaller areas.  You start from observing your full nasal passage and the triangle from the bridge of your nose to the upper lip and by the last moments of Anapana, you’re only focusing on the space above the upper lip and below the nostrils.

People always tells me when I say I meditate, “OMG, I am so bad at meditating.  I can’t focus.”  Ya’ll say that like you’re the only person on this planet that feels like they are a schizophrenic ADHD person when you actually sit still and try to focus on ONE THING… the present.  We ALL SUCK at meditation… we all suck at anything unless we practice, right? J  My first course and sometimes still, I can focus on my breath for one, maybe two breaths and then POOF… my head is off somewhere else and I have to bring it back.  The point is to not get frustrated with yourself, to accept that the current nature of your mind is to wander, because that’s what it’s done for SOOOOOO long, and then just bring it back when you actually realize it’s wandered off to making business plans or what you’re going to eat for dinner.  I’m at a point now where I can focus on it, sometimes, for minutes at a time w/o my head wandering… it’s taken a year to get there.  This stuff takes work!

Anapana is the process of calming the mind, controlling the mind, living in the present.  When you observe just your breath you come to realize a lot about the nature of your mind, usually, that it’s crazy and all over the place and REALLY hard to control.  You start to realize how we’ve been a slave to our minds for so long and how we are always either in 1 of 2 places, stuck in the past or dreaming/freaking out about an unknown future.  You start to understand you very rarely live in the present moment.  All this from just trying to observe the breath... we're never supposed to observe the thoughts.  Those are just supposed to pass without us attaching ourselves and identifying with them.  The reason the breath is used is because it’s real, it’s in us, it happens ALL THE TIME and you can’t focus on the last breath, or the next breath, you can only focus on THIS breath.  You just let the air flow as it naturally does and observe it… you don’t control the breath through pranayama (yoga breathing) you just let yourself breath.  You don’t count, you don’t visualize… you just observe.  It took me quite a while to figure out how exactly to do that w/o thinking “in/out/in/out” or actually visualizing my nasal cavity.  You get it w/ practice. 

This practice and its effects are very similar to all other forms of concentration, whether on a flame, on a visualization your yoga teacher gives you… etc.  BUT there is a very distinct difference in that the aim is NOT to just calm and quiet the mind, which it does, it’s to make the mind sharper and take it to a more subtle place.  This sounds really vague and abstract while typing this but really, when you experience it, you’ll know exactly what I mean.  The sharper and sharper it gets, the more apt you’ll be to practicing Vipassana.  Calming the mind is VERY important and it HAS to be done before you can begin the purification process.  If someone just calms their mind though, they aren’t going deeper to the root of all our ish and purifying all the impurities.  Tenzin Palmo said in her book and I’m going to loosely quote, “there are yogi’s who can meditate for days at a time, focusing on the object they’ve decided but if someone comes and interrupts them, they’ll still get rattled and angry… you have to go to the depth of the mind to purify it.”  Segue…

Part 3 - Vipassana

That bring us to Vipassana, that which purifies the mind.  Another word is Insight and its goal is to observe things as they really are, to observe the true nature of something and for “that something” it is US. J  When we observe things through any of our 6 senses (sight, touch, taste, smell, hearing, mind), we don’t see the full truth, we just see our own perception of the truth, based on a history we have with something through our senses.  The only way to fully observe our true nature and complete truth is through the framework of our own body because we eliminate perception.  With our eyes closed, we sit, some more, and observe whatever sensations we may be feeling.  Sometimes our mind is still too gross that we only feel gross sensations, like the breeze on our skin, or the shirt covering our arm but as you get more and more subtle, you start to feel… other things.  It’s not a feeling that you get from touching something, it’s a feeling that is deeper than that.  It’s hard to explain, but after 3 ½ days of anapana, most start to feel these subtle sensations and that last day of anapana is focusing on just those, above the upper lip.  You may feel a pain, tickle, prickle, itch, cold, heat, sweat, throbbing (shit… I’m starting to sound like him). Basically, there are almost infinite types of sensations you may feel but you just observe them, again, with no commentary, no judgment and no visualization.  The first time I felt these sensations I opened my eyes, looked at the girl to my left (no no… no looky!), who is now a dear friend, and we both gave each other the “HOLY FUCK WTF WAS THAT?!?!” look.

You start from the top of your head and then work your way down through every part of your body to your toes and you just observe whatever sensations are there.  THE POINT IS NOT THE SENSATIONS, the point is to remain balanced and “equanimous” through whatever sensation you are feeling, whether it be “pleasant” or “unpleasant.”  The reason we should remain balanced is because the sensations are impermanent, even if you are sitting during one of the hour group meditations and it feels like you have a knife being run up and down your IT band, you’re not supposed to feel angry, frustrated or deflated that you’re sitting in pain, you just remain balanced because, while it feels it may last forever, it goes away… EVERYTHING GOES AWAY.  You don’t get super elated at the pleasant sensations because they go away, you can be happy they are there but don’t be sad when they leave.  This is REALLY hard to do, especially during the painful moments.  I have gotten to a point where I’m happy with the pleasant because they are just that AND I’m happy with the agonizing pain because that means I’m working on getting rid of old shit.

You can feel what sort of misery we put ourselves through though.  If you’re sitting there in pain and agonizing over it, it feels like absolute torture, those minutes feel like HOURS!  The more you are equanimous the easier it is… such a metaphor for life!!  It’s funny, on day 6 you look around and the contraptions people have made of their meditation mats with pillows, cushions and backrests is comedy and I giggle, now.  You see how much people try to change their surroundings to deal with the pain they feel inside and they try to run from it, I certainly did in my first course.  I thought I was living in a self-inflicted hell and I had SO much going on around my meditation spot.  At some point, I realized, “pain, is unavoidable, it’s inevitable, it’s GOING TO HAPPEN.  Even if I lift my knee a few inches, the pain will just be referred to my back, or somewhere else on my body.  I can’t run from it… I MUST GO THROUGH IT!”  Now, I sit with just my main cushion and standard butt lift but I do have one extra cushion I use under my right knee because my pelvis is twisted to the right, causing extra pressure so I try to alleviate that a bit… I’m apparently not ready to give that one up yet. ;)  The more you practice the more you feel the pain dissolve and the more you even focus on the pain, observing it in it’s finest detail, the quicker it goes away too.  There was a point when I realized the pain is ALWAYS there, just the more balanced we are, the more subtle our mind gets and it goes UNDER the pain.  Sometimes, it’s just pain though.  I will say that during the 3, 1 hour group sittings, where we aren’t supposed to move AT ALL, except to straighten our spine if it’s fallen forward) have been some of the most excruciating pain I’ve ever experienced in my life and I’m well versed in the art of pain.  I was a cutter for about ½ a decade AND I’ve been a competitive rower and have pushed my body to such limits that my muscles have failed and I’ve blacked out.  Now that I’ve done this, I’m REALLY curious how my 2k pieces would go on that devil of a rowing machine, THE ERG.

Now, some people have injuries and things which really don’t allow them to sit on the ground and there are options for sitting in chairs, using a back rest, going against the wall, extra cushions and things but really, with S.N. Goenka Vipassana, pain is involved.  Some centers/teachers are really strict and you can’t use extra anything unless you are legitimately injured but I’ve only heard of that in Kathmandu.  You don’t have to sit in lotus either, some guy recently said that’s why he won’t do a course.  You sit however you want!  I will not try to sugar coat it BUT that being said, one girl in my course in Thailand felt no pain, which I found odd of her to say considering how much she moved behind me and usually people only move if they have pain.  *I* on the other hand have felt everything.  I have felt like a mass of bubbles floating in the air where I thought I could speak telepathically it was so unreal, to feeling like I was sitting on the eternal flame while sporks were being used to try to pry my patellas off my knees and my blood was going to ignite into flames while I poured sweat out of every pore and tears streamed down my face.  Through both of those moments, the goal is NOT the sensations but being balanced.  The more you’re balanced, the more the gross sensations dissolve.

The feelings you have can come from 1 of 3 places, the atmosphere around you, the way you’re sitting, or from your past habits and reactions, manifesting themselves in bodily sensations.  This practice cuts your habits at the root!  It doesn’t intellectualize it and you never really quite understand what it’s doing but it does it!  I have no idea how it works but it does!  Goenka compares it to laundry detergent… you don’t know the active ingredients and how they interact with each other and stains for them to get the dirt out, but you use it and know that it works and that’s all you care about.  That’s how we should view Vipassana… at least in the beginning… the intellectual part is not what’s important, it’s the practice and the experience!  He does say, “the theory should follow the practice” and I haven’t done a Sittipitana or any of the longer courses so I’m not sure how much more he feeds to the intellect. The gross and painful sensations are your past aversions, let’s say anger, jealously, hatred, etc., and your pleasant sensations are your cravings, like desire, passion, greed… while you remain balanced through them all, you slowly but surely start to eliminate your aversions and your cravings.  You come to understand that it’s not the alcohol you craved but the sensation you got while drinking it.  It’s not that you REALLY want the iPhone5, it’s the sensation you get when you first put it in your hand… both of those sensations incredibly fleeting and impermanent and then we try to find something else that will make us feel that sensation when it’s gone.

Fears

There are lots of fears but one I want to cover, because my now former lady friend was concerned w/ it and I was starting to be to is... "is this going to turn me into an emotionless vipassana zombie?  All the 'remain equanimous' sounds numbing."  The point is not to get rid of joy or happiness, it's to HAVE joy and happiness when things are good but to know that, inherently, that will change, because it always does and when it does to not lose the joy and happiness.  I've experienced nothing but extended happiness and joy since I've started practicing and while I thought I'd have less compassion for the pain of others, I have it, but I also know that it's their pain and not mine and they have to go through it and I'm more apt to help knowing that.  You don't become cold, you don't become heartless or unemotive... you show emotion, feel emotion but know all of it passes so you just roll gently through the waves of the ups and downs in life instead of fight to stay on top of a wave that is inevitably going to dip to a low.  The waves get smaller the more you practice and when it's flat, that doesn't mean you're a zombie, it means you're in a perpetual state of balanced happiness.  To experience the highs you must experience the lows... this is the practice of moving to non-duality.  There is no good or bad, no pain nor pleasure, there just is...  The last thing I feel like at this moment is a zombie.  I'd rather hug the entire world than try to eat it.

Wrap Up

God… those 12 pages went REALLY fast!  There is SO much to say about this experience, this course but really, go… just… GO!  You can't know it unless you experience it, no matter how many words or amazing metaphors I use.  I know in the US we have such limited vacation time but the 10 (really 12 and you should REALLY take a few days to decompress afterwards, so 14) days you spend to dig deep inside yourself will do more for your life than sitting on the beach sippin pina colada’s.  We run and run and run but from what… we only run from ourselves and once you realize that and that YOU are the only person on this planet making yourself miserable but that YOU are also the only person who can save you from that, it’s the most empowering realization you can have.   You don’t have to rely on a single soul but your own being to make you happy and take you out of a vicious cycle of yuck.

All this said, and Goenka says this as well, one course will not cure you of all that ails you… OR maybe it will, but the chances are slim.  This is a practice that needs consistency, it takes work, and time but if you do the work and spend the time to do the practice and PROPERLY, you’ll do nothing but reap the rewards.  Am I perfect now after doing 4 of these?  Not a chance?  Do I still get pissed?  Do I still make up crazy shit in my head that makes me sad or angry?  Do I still have unhealthy and ugly reactions?  Do I still have down days?  Can I still be mean?  Can I still be a judgmental turd? Absolutely, to all of that!  Do I do all of it with less intensity and less frequency,  more awareness and more immediate action to rectify my mess ups? You bet and THAT’s where you start to enjoy the changes in your life.  

When I went back to Seattle after my first course, I saw how easy it was to slip back into bad habits and unhealthy behavior and I’m SO THANKFUL I had such a beautiful, yet disastrous trip home because it made me realize how important this stuff is to me and how much I WANT IT IN MY LIFE and how easy it is to take it for granted to not follow.  I won’t let that happen again… my mental and emotional health is too important for me to let myself slip again.  This shit is magic… magic that takes A LOT of work that only *I* can do, and that’s the beauty of it all… *I* have the complete power to change my life around and make myself the best person I can!

If anyone has any questions, feel free to post and I’ll do my best.  I don’t consider myself an authority, by any stretch, but I have some experience to pull from.

Bhavatu Sabba Mangalam.  Aka: may all beings be happy, bitches! ;) 

Xxxo

Dirty

P.S.  If you are interested in a course, GO GO GO!!!  It’s worth it, and it’s donation based too… did I mention that? ;)  www.dhamma.org

Love

As I write this, it’s 9:30pm on Day 10 of Vipassana and after closing out “The Bar,” as Mel, Anna and I called the cafeteria during our tea chat session, we and 15 other women, who just finished Vipassana with us, had our dance/singing party shut down.  Mel is an Afgan woman whose family escaped from the country when she was 8 and parked their butts in the US for 20 years and 8 years ago, she decided to take her western education and start a corporate law practice in her home country.  Anna is a woman from Finland who decided to spend her 1 year sabbatical, from her management consulting profession, in the country she spent so many years working and is finally getting to see the country for what it really is. During our dance/sing party shut down, Mel and I were in the midst of a very climatic part of Rain Drops on Roses while the lot of us were being told “no dancing or singing is allowed on the Vipassana grounds!”  from the course manager.  We of course didn’t hear the announcement and kept singing louder and louder as the rain fell on our faces and thunder clapped overhead.   Oops!  I guess that the solo dance parties Franzi and I had in our Lamphun rooms were super illegal so I’m glad no one heard me blaring the new Santigold album as I was shakin my tush in the shower on 10 day of my 2^nd Vipassana. J  The fact about 20 women are outside right now and some were singing Bollywood songs while an adorable girl, Puja, was doing traditional village dance just goes to show how incredible this Vipassana and this group of people were.  These bloody things seem to keep getting better and better!  No expectations for any subsequent ones though, of course. ;)

As I sit in my little prison cell sized room, literally, with no windows except for a small skylight overhead, I can’t help but reflect on the incredible life affirming changes that have taken place over the last 10 days of silent SUPER intense meditation.  I was hit with a profound revelation on day 2, in the middle of just doing Anapana, which is observing the breath, which transformed my life from that moment forward.   For some reason, unbeknownst to me, while “observing” my breath, it dawned on me, this magical thought - “Wait, why would the manufactures of the Indian squaters, Hindustan in most cases, put their name on the side of the squatter where your butt faces? Wait a second… OMG!! I’VE BEEN USING THE SQUATTER BACKWARDS THE ENTIRE TIME I’VE LIVED IN ASIA!  No wonder there has always been the threat of a tickle sprinkle on my foot!!!!  Holy shit!! HOW EMBARRASSING!”  It’s like I’ve been straddling the toilet bowl for a whole year, elbows propped up on the back, just chilling, waiting for a dook to plop, which completely explains why one of my dad’s out of town work visitors from some Asian country was doing just that in our guest bathroom in my parents’ house when I was younger.  So note to all – in the west, face the door, in the east, face the wall!  The amazing things that come out of Vipassana… I tell ya! 

I also got very intimate with part of my body on this course as well, so intimate in fact that it was a little too intimate and I had to stop myself after only making it an 8^th of the way through.  NO, you dirty sluts, I didn’t blue clit myself… bitch please, never, but I now know why I’ve always had problems with ingrown hairs when shaving or waxing my legs.  That shit has NO orderly growth pattern!  Yes, I will blame Franzi for this, I took tweezers to my legs and as much as my friend Aimee hates the term “plucked,” I feel it most appropriate to use because pulling each leg hair, one at a time, maybe two if I was lucky, I really feel I became one with the plucked chickens of the world.  I made it almost ½ way through my lower right leg and decided I liked my morning and afternoon naps WAY better than this!  Not only that but once you get to the outside part, you have to crane your legs in all sorts of ways and I am not only out of yoga shape, but I was already in immense amounts of pain from my 10 ½ hours of sitting still, meditating, and it was just making matters much worse.  AND, if matters couldn’t get any worse, I started to PMS and men, I know you can’t relate but ladies know what I’m talking about.  HELLOOOOO sensitivity and exaggerated states of pain!  I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to stop!  I looked down though and between my shin high, scull socks and my fisherman’s trousers, there was this little bit of exposed skin… think of the really awkward leg tan soccer players get… it was ½ hair and ½ bare!  Aye, so I sucked it up and finished off the part just under my knee and so NOW, I have a totally “wax ready” left leg and a freakishly patch worked right leg.  I think this makes my year of celibacy easier to attain. ;)  Guess what I’ll be doing tomorrow though, as soon as I drop my bag off at my guest house??  Praise the one “beauty salon” in Bhagsu!

I’ve hesitated writing much about my actual REAL experiences in Vipassana for a number of reasons.  For one, in the event ANY of you actually want to try it yourself, I don’t want to rob you of an expectation-less experience, which is what every meditation session should be, well, what EVERY moment in life should be.  Second, I don’t want to preach or sound cray cray about the practice and I figured, if anyone was truly interested in it, they’d ask.  So, here is an open invitation, if you want to know anything, ANYTHING (except my own personal experiences) I’ll be more than happy to share.   Thirdly, it’s SUCH an intense experience there really are no appropriate words to capture what it is or more importantly, what it does TO you.  The ONLY way you can know is to experience, which is part of the core of the practice anyway… to know the true nature of your reality, as it is, on the experiential level, within the frame work of the body.  As an old student though, I get to sit closer to the front and since Dharamsala brings TONS of newbs to the scene, closer to the front means seat 3, dead square in front of the assistant teacher.  During some of the sessions she has little meetings with small groups of people, asking them about their progress and this particular teacher was so wonderfully engaged with the students, she would call certain women up, one at a time, who had been coming to her with questions throughout the course.  I usually left and went to my room to meditate because I’m not exactly seasoned and it’s hard to focus when there are quiet whispers a meter in front of me but on day 8, I stayed.  I may not have been able to put what the root of Vipassana is to me into words but what I overhead Nina, the Assistant Teacher, say to one of the other old students, who was sitting before her, sent me running back to my room to capture it on paper, it was so perfect and so beautiful and soooo… it.

When you have equanimity and accept all the sensations that arise, or when your mind wanders to thoughts of aversion or craving and you just accept that it has wandered, without frustration, you are developing love, compassion and peace within yourself.  Until you can feel true love, compassion and peace for everything that you are, inside, you will never be able to feel it for anyone else.  When you observe yourself with equanimity, you are learning to love yourself.

I felt like I got smacked across the face when I heard this.  I let it simmer for awhile and went to lunch but as I walked back to my room, for no apparent reason, tears started to well in my eyes but then faded back into my eyeballs.  I got to my room, grabbed my tweezers and thought about plucking away again but all of a sudden I burst into body convulsing, air gasping, snot and tear flowin (or I guess snot lurches more than flows), sobs.  This continued for a wee bit and after a few dry heaves in my bathroom, a few more gasps while in the fetal position on my bed, I passed out.  Nice timing too because really did come to enjoy my afternoon naps on my right side… I hear it’s good for digestion and lord knows anything helps with THAT whilst in Vipassana.  Vipassana is like a cork for your rectum, no joke!

Especially in recent years, I’ve always thought I was a person who loved herself.  I thought I was an awesome person with a few minor flaws but generally, pretty bad ass and not in a conceited way, just in a “comfortable in who I am” way. I’ve always known something “wasn’t quite right” inside me though and I’ve thought it was issues with anxiety, attachment, depression, etc but as soon as I heard the teacher speak those words and they rang out to me so clearly like they were placed directly in my scull for me to absorb, I asked myself, “do you love yourself, jess?”  You know what… no, I don’t… not completely, not unconditionally, not fully and totally and truly.  It’s taken removing me from all the distractions, that are SO EASY to fall into because they are so fun, removing me from my comforts, removing me from the outside world, 3 times, mind you, for me to finally get it.  THIS is why I am here!  This is why I have left a world I love so much, the people I love, the city I love, the life I love.  This is what I have spent 1 full month of the last 11 months trying to figure out, intensely anyway.  I feel like THIS is the reason I’m in India.  It’s not to travel, it’s not to turn into a pretzel, it’s to find the unconditional love within myself I’ve never had.  I don’t truly love myself!  I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say I can attribute the sobbing to this realization but it wasn’t tears of sadness or depression, it was so SO intense I needed a release and it was exactly what my body needed to do to accomplish that.  After those 5 minutes of being a drippy mess of face fluids, I felt like they sky opened up, like I weighed a fraction of what I did just moments prior and something surged through my body like lightning.  It’s not anxiety I’m tackling, it’s not attachment, it’s THIS and with THIS comes everything else.  Admitting to myself, finally, once and for all, I don’t completely love myself is the most liberating thing I’ve ever felt and I accept exactly where I am with it right now, without judgment or frustration and knowing full well that *I* am the only one who can accomplish this.  No one else can put the love I don’t have for myself in my being, only I can but that’s the complete beauty of it… *I* have control over making this happen.. no one else.  Just knowing, deep down, to the core of my tiniest bodily sensations, this, I think is a fucking monster step in the right direction.  If that’s not the best birthday present I can give myself, I don’t know what is.

Bhavatu Sabba Mangalam, bitches! ;)

Xxxox

Hairy, Love Bubble of Dirty!

p.s. I totally love the monkeys now! LOVE THEM!  They are probably the most fun animals to watch live their lives… srsly… ya’ll should try it and in the wild, not in a fucking zoo.

p.p.s. Ringing in my 32nd year of life in Vipassana was one of the most beautiful things ever... *hops on my rainbow shitting unicorn to go sprinkle fairy dust around Dharamsala*

p.p.p.s. Nina, the Assistant Teacher, used the phrase "Oh, pain is a WONDERFUL sensation" like running coaches say "hills are your friends." ZOMG!!!  I died.

Same Same but Different

With a long blink the final mental and emotional preparations are made to open your lids fully, focus your gaze and look directly into the blue grey spheres that you used to lock onto for hours at a time so long ago.  They are a breath of familiarity, filled with passion, drive, warmth, friendship, acknowledgement, compassion, love and a life of experience.  The hair is different, lord knows it’s probably even seen every color of the rainbow since you last saw each other, the style has changed but oh god, there goes the smile.  The beam of light shooting horizontally across her face that made your heart skip into your throat and your knees weak streaks through your peripheral and your lips part ways do the same in response.  Two things so familiar that haven’t changed a bit, or have they?  It’s been years, who knows how many, maybe one, maybe 20 but what have those eyes seen, what have they experienced, what have they tackled and overcome?  What do you experience throughout time?  Take a moment to think about it, really think about it.  What have even the last 5 months of this new year brought into your life.  What have you seen?  What have you done?  What have you learned?  What have you overcome?  What have you fought and what have you won?  What has pushed you and what has pulled?  What has stung your eyes, made them tear up, made them swell with joy and love or ache in pain and sorrow?  I know for me, I’ve loved, learned, fought, cried, laughed, yelled, whispered, listened, debated, thought, embraced, absorbed and seen countless things I’ve never seen before.  The lessons I’ve learned in the first 5 months of this year are like nothing I’ve been able to grasp until now and the limitless possibilities of growth keep emerging.  I am NOT who I was when I left Seattle in December, not even close.  The Thai and Indians have a saying... same same but different... fitting right?

My last, which was my second, Vipassana in the lovely Lamphun, Thailand that ended in the beginning of May proved to be an ever mind blowing experience.  I had four profound epiphanies where I gained wisdom of things I felt like I had known but what I was feeling during those ten days made it… different.  I understood more of what I’ve been trying for years to grasp and emotions came through that I thought were long dead and conquered.  It was a really interesting and enlightening time.  My first Vipassana was like nothing I had ever experienced before and as I walked out of the gate on what was the first bright and sunny day in months, my smile couldn’t have been beaten off my face.  I walked with a cushion of air under the pads of my feet, my head felt – clear – my heart felt like it was going to explode but mostly, how I felt can’t be put to words, it was a feeling, a sensation that can only be known through experience.  Going into my second Vipassana I knew it was going to prove challenging in different respects and I wanted to prepare myself so I could make the most of it.  The place and people may be different but the practice is the exact same, the set up of discipline is the same, the schedule is the same, the familiar and comforting, yet odd Goenka sounding, chanting is the same and the discourses are the same.  You go into any subsequent Vipassana after your first knowing full well what you’re getting yourself into and there really are NO surprises, at least when it comes to the nitty gritty details.  Part of meditating or yoga or really anything in life is to have no expectations.   If you have an expectation, you’ll most likely experience frustration, sorrow, rage or whatever other ugly feeling may manifest if something doesn’t come to fruition like you had wanted.  Also, while looking for an expectation to be met, you may miss something new and so wonderful but so subtle that you would have only known it if you were paying attention to what was.  I can’t walk into the Lamphun center and expect to get the same outcome or have the same experience I had in Dharamsala 6 months prior.  I was mentally prepped and ready to dive head first into the practice with no expectation of what would come.  I was SET!

As the days drew on I felt I was doing really well at taking the experience for what it was and not thinking I should be feeling anything differently, I was just where I was, in everything I was doing.  It takes a few days to prep yourself to practice actual Vipassana so around day 5 I found myself doing something I didn’t think I would do, nor did I think it would be a challenge in in of itself.  “Oh man, my day 5 last time is when it was so physically painful I sobbed uncontrollably and involuntarily.  That’s not happening this time.  Ok…. Oh last time this or that happened…. Last time I thought this or didn’t think this…”  I stopped myself at one point, took myself out of the meditation hall and quietly whispered to myself, “what on earth are you doing?!”  While I didn’t have any expectations for what was going to happen, I had no specific desired outcome, except to just be, I was in the process of comparing 2 different experiences, while they may seem similar, were anything but similar.  It was getting me nowhere except away from my present moment and taking me further from being able to view and experience whatever it was, right then and there.  Trying to figure out if my day 5’s where similar was not going to accomplish anything.  Day 5 of Dharamsala Vipassana is done, it’s over, it was 6 months ago and that time is never going to be in front of me ever again.  It doesn’t matter what happened then, what matters is what’s happening now.  Holy shit!  It’s not just about having no expectations it’s about not comparing!!

That, ladies and gents was one of my four lightning bolt explosions.  There is so much more to being present that just “being present” it’s about TOTAL presence with no expectations for what’s going to happen and no analysis for how that present moment may or may not be comparable to another moment.  Every moment is different at every second of every day.  In a society where we’re driven by goals and seeing where we were last year compared to this year, it’s SO HARD to not compare.  I come from a competitive athlete background and I STILL remember my PR for a 2k erg piece, which happened when I was 17 years old high school rower!  I’m not 17 anymore!  Why would I want to compare what I did almost 15 years ago to what I can do now?!  How will that help my mental state and in turn, my performance?  You were a dancer or a gymnast or runner or a piano player or a <insert whatever awesome thing you did 2+ years ago> and you try to do it now and you’re just not as good or you don’t do as well.  Guess what kids?  We change!  Maybe you do better and if so, great but just enjoy what you’re able to do NOW.  Our talents change, our skills change, our bodies change, our minds change and you know, I’m not as efficient with my body on the erg anymore but you better believe that my flexibility and body control, thanks to yoga, is light years better than what it was when I was 17.  Who cares though?  I can’t make my 17 year old self remerge and make it better at yoga because that me is dead and gone so why would I think that same 17 year old is still around and able to what I used to be able to do on the erg?  If I want to row, enjoy rowing, be in my moment rowing, and do the best I can and improve upon where I am, I have to look at me NOW.  So many people get stuck in the rut of nostalgia and think “oh man, I used to be so good at that and now… I suck” and what good does that do them?  NONE!  Why focus on what you can’t do anymore and instead focus on the amazing things you can do? Or spend that time you dwell on your awesomeness of the past on actually working to get back to a more enjoyable level of achievement?  If there is nothing else you feel you do better now, than that’s a totally different discussion about LETTING GO!  That’s not what I’m talking about now though, not directly anyway.

Quite literally, every fraction of a second is different, in us, in the outside world, in the person we’re looking at.  We die and are reborn trillions of times a day physically, emotionally and mentally and some of the changes, ok, a overwhelming majority of the changes are so subtle that you usually don’t notice them but it happens, whether you’re consciously aware of it or not.   Mother Teresa said, “yesterday is gone.  Tomorrow has not yet come.  We have only today.  Let us begin.”  If we are living in our present moment but comparing what we’re doing, how we’re acting, what we’re seeing, experiencing, saying to something we did in the past, we are NOT living in the present moment and we are potentially robbing ourselves of fully embracing and acting on what’s in front of us at that very second. 

Those blue grey wells I drowned in so many times before may look the same, they may even glow and glisten the same in the sun or when she smiles but they are not the same.  The moment I left her she was different and each moment after that until the very moment we locked eyes again, she is different.  Whenever I see her again, with each breath she takes she’s different.  I am different.  It doesn’t matter if the last time we spoke, the last time we saw each other was with smiles, kisses and hugs or with anger, rage and tears.  Whatever happened in the past, is gone.  That person I knew, is gone.  That person I was, is gone.  What’s important, is now. 

Someone you loved, admired and appreciated so much in the past could have had experiences that made them go down a completely different path and they are no longer that bright and smiling person you adored and instead became dark and brooding.  Conversely, someone you had severe animosity towards, harbored immense aversion and hatred could have seen things in this world that made them experience something deeper and they could be a transformed and wonderful soul.  The only way you will truly know the person you’re looking at is if you let them be, who they are, at that very moment, with no expectations and no comparison.  I feel the “no expectations” is pretty common sense but just in case, here is my take:

 There are those who say (we’ll call them pessimists J) “I keep low expectations so that if ANYTHING good happens it’ll be good.”  I used to be like this, probably until about 5 years ago and while sometimes it worked, it really did keep your mind in a perpetual negative state and I’ve found it true that the universe will match your attitude.  Others have high expectations and set themselves up for disappointment if those expectations aren’t met.  The only way to truly be at peace with what’s going on is if you have no expectations at all.  You don’t exact anything good, you don’t expect anything bad, you just are aware, accepting and open to whatever is and you just let it be.  If it ends up being something you like, you act accordingly and if it ends up being something to your distaste you act accordingly as well.

Comparisons can be rather similar but instead of anticipating what you’re going to encounter, instead you encounter and then try to see how it lines up with what you knew.  When you compare, you’re trying to see if something is better or worse, attributing a quick judgment based on your past experience(s).  I’m speaking from my own experience but I have noticed myself, when I compare something that I may have thought was “bad” in the past, I can feel myself somewhere very subtle in my consciousness, looking for any hints of what I was averse to before and in the process, not really paying full attention and seeing the full scope of the situation or person I’m with.  Who knows what I’m missing while I’m doing my comparison!?  I don’t!  It’s not that I’m not listening, because I am, it’s just really hard to see all of what something is when you’re trying to find certain similarities.  Not only am I not being completely mindful but dare I say, I may even be waiting for this person to "fail" in my eyes?  Even if there are similarities what does it matter?  It doesn’t matter if someone is the same or different, it just matters that you know who they are now and how that may work in your current space in life.  For those who have been near and dear to you in life, who you’ve loved in countless ways, the comparison may be different.  You may be looking for those same qualities the person held before that keeps you holding on (aaahhh attachment, I think I covered this in a past blog but that’s a subject all on its own) and projecting that into who they are now and ignoring or missing some glaring things that may indicate their present moment and state is indeed very different.  How often do we date people because we "see the potential" in them and not actually see them for who they are at that second.  It goes the same way where we are with someone and we make the choice to just focus on who they were before that current moment and ignore who they actually are right then.   In either case, you are really only hurting one person by doing this – you.  Comparing anything keeps one foot in the past while one is in the present so you’re never fully there and you may miss an opportunity to see someone for their true present self, whether they are amazing and will provide much enrichment in your life, or whether they may be going a totally opposite direction which could lead to some unnecessary struggles.  What’s important is not what’s changed, it rests solely on what is, and that’s it!

I’m realizing just how hard this is going to be, as I’ve already had a few encounters, in person and through other means, with people I haven’t been in contact with for some time.  It feels almost inherent to do a quick comparison checklist in my head while I’m on Skype or reading an email and each time I’ve caught myself doing it I’ve realized I’m not truly embracing the reality as it is.  There are a few instances in my life where I really want to make sure I'm ready to look someone in the eyes, and I would greatly prefer it be their eyes just a matter of actual feet in front of me, verses virtual feet and be able to do this.  It doesn't even matter if they are going to do the same for me all I want is to be fully clear, open and accepting of that moment.  I mean, I really should want to do this with everyone, right but if given the chance to push a pause button, where I feel necessary, I will and I have.  I would say that I want to do this to be fair to the person in my life but really what it comes down to, I want to do this for me.  I want to be fair and true to myself by leaving past perspectives aside and soaking in whatever is happening right at that second.  It’s not for others, it’s for me, but in ensuring I’m doing myself justice and I’m making healthy decisions based on as complete a picture as I can capture, I can’t do anything but good for others.  It’s not even denoting if someone is a “good” or “bad” person it’s just understanding who they really are right then and if, at that moment, our true connection will be symbiotic or potentially catastrophic. 

Every interaction I’ve ever had with anyone in my life is gone and it will never be that same interaction again.  I have to let everything that happened before this second go and never look back and it’s not just for those I’ve been intimate and in love with but with everyone from friends and family to acquaintances.  Everyone deserves to get looked at through fresh eyes and I definitely deserve to look at everyone with fresh eyes and a fresh perspective.  It’s how we grow, how we flourish and how we determine where our limited and very valuable commodity of TIME goes.  The only way to truly do that is with both feet directly under you, not splayed out between two logs on a river that are drifting to opposing shores.  That just sounds like a recipe for accidental splits and a shredded groin!

Hari Om bitches!

Xxxox

Dirty

p.s.  btw, loved north Thailand and looking forward to going back to explore there and stay in Bangkok as little time as possible J  I had to provide SOME kind of travel update, yeah?  I’d be an awful travel writer!

   

Listen

There is something about the sounds around you that are beautiful and like nothing you’ll ever hear again, because they are there, with you, at that very moment sharing the same experience and their vibrations with you.  The low hum of the air conditioning, the squeak of the rails on the train tracks, the defunct door on the other end of the corridor sliding an inch one way and then the other, the quiet voice and hiccups of the little thai girl behind me, they are all so wonderful.  I’m on the express (not the kind of “express” we’re used to, in fact, the opposite of it) overnight train 51 from Bangkok to Lamphun Thailand and with only 2 more hours of my journey left, I’m not exactly sure where I am.  Before leaving I spent a record amount of time in Pitnap Plaza in Bangkok purchasing the only electronics I’ve had on my list since I started traveling: hair clippers, 1TB external hard drive and 2GB RAM for my netbook.  Now when I say record time, I don’t mean I set a record by living there all day, which I could have very easily done in a complex that is probably 20 times the size of Best Buy, and it looked like the plethora of orange robed monks were doing just that, but I hit every floor of this 7 story building and managed to get all 3 items in less than 30 minutes.  This place is an electronic nerds wet dream, filled with cameras of all kinds, cheap pirated DVDs, CDs and computer software and games, projectors, TVs, computers, accessories for all those things.  Basically, if it has a power button, it’s sold in any number of the privately owned shops that cover all the square footage of this place.  Not exactly the way I should be spending my day before checking into Vipassana but then again, I’m not known for easing myself into that retreat.  At least I didn’t end up in the throes of passion with a ridiculously beautiful Israeli Paratrooper this time around, with a wicked hang over to tend to while waiting for registration like with my first Vipassana experience in Dharamsala, India last August.  Sensory overload, while still a bit maddening, is a way better transition than my former experience.

I spent the afternoon yesterday acquiring SO MUCH amazing and incredible music for my journey north but now that I’m awake and here, all I feel like doing is listening to whatever sounds surround me.  This seems to be a trend for me and while in Goa, it was also for safety reasons, I just REALLY enjoy being right where I am and not dazed off into some other world, which is what music does for me.  For the first time I just saw lotus flowers, in their natural, wild state, growing majestically from the sludge pond that rests just below the train tracks.  There was a Thai person wearing cloth all around their face and a straw hat atop his/her head while riding a rusted bicycle down a dirt path.  Two shirtless men were chest deep in the aforementioned sludge pond pulling up what looked like a fishing net and just a few track strides down, another man, fully clothed, dug around in the middle of a patch of lotus flowers for only he knows what.  The houses lining the tracks vary greatly from straw shacks on the ground, to wooden houses on stilts elevated 8 feet off the ground, to more elaborate abodes as we approach main train stations.  Rice paddies cover a majority of the farm land and everything is so lush and green, despite the fact that outside my air conditioned bubble, it’s already 90+ degrees outside at only 10am.  I can tell I’m already preparing my mindset for Vipassana, the land of complete and total presence.  The land where you’re so present you notice the tiniest sounds, the smallest creatures and for entertainment, you feed the ants.  It was hilarious to find out that a majority of the women on my last Vipassana course fed the ants during our meals and watched them, either solo or in a team, carry the food away that we provided. 

My brief time in Bangkok was wonderful in non-tourist aspects, because I spent a lot of time in my friend’s house just relaxing and mentally adjusting to living a different type of life than the last 4 months.  It provided some insight on how things will be for me whenever I do go back home to live, verses for a visit.  Some of the challenges quickly exposed themselves and I have a clearer idea of what I will need to do to proactively prepare myself for my return to the US.  I’m not too incredibly focused on that now of course, since I have about another year I’d like to be gone, but it’s good things to realize so I can tuck them back into my mind for when I will need it later. 

Going into Vipassana now I feel stronger, mentally and emotionally, I feel I’m more aware of myself, I feel I can fully let go and let the experience be whatever it is supposed to be for me.  I guess that goes not only for Vipassana but for every aspect of this path I’m treading at the moment.  I’ve accomplished some personal feats that I’m proud of, taking steps I need to for myself, making personal declarations and having the self discipline to see them through, being more mindful, open and accepting.  I’ve improved at asking better questions when I don’t understand something instead of making assumptions based on my own perspective.  These next 10 days, I’ll take the strength and self discipline I’ve learned  to new levels.  I’m going in with no expectations for what the days will hold for me; although, I will say I’m VERY thankful they are letting me bring rehydration salts with me because while I’m not having expectations for my practice, I DO have realistic expectations I will be sweating… A LOT.  Anyone who has been with me on any hospital visit or the love on the other end of the phone when I’ve had heat stroke or severe dehydration know how bad I can get, even with being careful!  I’m going to take all the love I have within myself and the love so many of my dear friends have shared with me and do the best I can with patience, acceptance and understanding. 

On a less serious note - I almost fell into the hole in the bathroom while the train was moving.  For anyone who follows me on Instagram (I don't post all my photos to twitter or FB) will see what the bathroom sitch is and the hole that doesn't go into a murky pool of liquid but straight to the rocks and tracks below.  While in a deep squat, which 98.7% of american's probably can't even get into, it's already hard enough to balance but when going from stationary to a sudden jerk of movement, it's downright terrifying when what's below your butt is a metal hole.  I'd like to thank the one "oh shit" handle bar on the side of the bathroom for helping me brace myself and my muscle spasm back for it's apparent 90% healed status and letting my abs engage so I didn't end up in a big oops of nasty.  Holy... shit!

I’ll see you all on the other side and for now, I want to get back to listening to the squeaky train and watching the rural Thai world fly by my window.

Love anicca in all its transitory glory…
xxxox

Dirty

Relaxed Stability & April 10L/O

The universe isn’t always the most discrete with the messages it’s trying to deliver to you, in fact, sometimes it’s downright violent! I mean, obviously our world is getting highly overpopulated by the resource grubby humans that don’t seem to want to slow down on the procreation so natural disasters are, so far, gradually taking care of business.  My friend Claudio and I actually were discussing the balance of the earth and who’s going to win the race to “take care” of human population, since we are inept at doing so ourselves, mother nature, in the form of violent catastrophes, or THE MAN, in the form of a mass plague that will eradicate populations around the world.  I’m not gunna lie, my vote is for mother nature and even if I’m in her wake, whatever, each day of life is as good as I make it.  Claudio voted for THE MAN and actually, LA dude, in a completely different discussion yesterday thought it would be THE MAN too since it’s man’s nature to destroy itself.  These, ladies and gentlemen, are the typical conversations I find myself in whilst living abroad.  WORLD ANNIHALATION!!! MAUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!  Nah, we talk about sex too. J

I went a little ahead of myself and I’m really being selfish with bringing this up because I’m talking about my OWN universal catastrophes.   If you pay attention to yourself, you’ll start to notice little things too and that universe could just be your body telling you something and if you fail to listen, it MAKES you listen.  Like when I was dysentery for a week, I knew my body needed a rest, I knew I needed to simmer down in either my ashtanga class or my evening hatha class but did I?  NooOoOoOoooo… so instead, my body made me explode out of both ends for a week and left me so weak and skeletor, I needed to ease back into my routine once I could stand up straight.  That is old news though.

I’m still in Arambol, I haven’t left Arambol and I’ve planned countless times to leave Arambol.  About a month ago, I was minorly stressed about what to do with my life once Balu’s classes finished on the 31^st of March and I had until May 15 to be in Australia.  I did say “minorly” stressed right, because that’s not really anything to stress about, I know this. I knew a Vipassana needed to go into that month and a half somewhere but I didn’t know which country I wanted to go to.  Thailand was pulling me but I only get a month visa on arrival and you have to do border runs and when doing those, you’re only left with 15 days before you have to do another one.  For those who don’t know what vipassana is, it’s a 10 day, complete noble silence (no talking, no eye contact, no physical contact, no gestures), 12 hours a day of meditation, you eat only 2 times a day, last meal being at 11:30am, you wake at 4am and you go to sleep at 9:30pm.  The LAST thing you want to do after getting out, whilst in your bliss of higher consciousness, is a run to the border to renew a visa.  You barely want to even talk to anyone when you’re free.  Malaysia has 3 month visas but it’s supposed to be as hot, if not hotter and more humid than India AND Thailand and if you have seen me workout, you have seen me sweat… just breathing is enough to make me sweat in this heat so Malaysia was tabled.  There was one option that I thought about but immediately brushed aside – how about I stay in Arambol and just RELAX and DO NOTHING but read, my own yoga, lay on the beach and swim in the Arabian?  “HA!!” I thought to myself.  “Stay somewhere where there is NO purpose.  No yoga classes, no aerial, no friends, shops closing, no… ANYTHING.  Yeah right!  I don’t DO that!”  To my credit, I have done just that, the relaxing, do nothing vacation, once in my life and it was last February when a few of my ladies and I went to maui.  I didn’t want to drive on the Hana Highway, I didn’t want to do ANYTHING but lay out and read and maybe a little SUP.  This was also after I had just finished 3 months of hard manual labor in Lesotho and 2 weeks of serious gallivanting around Europe so I was pooped!  I have a hard time just BEING, which plagues a majority of the western world.  We always have to be working on something, doing something, talking to someone, running from one thing to the next, setting up our schedules, looking at our schedules, looking at our schedules while we’re already doing something, and we’re often times half talking to the person sitting in front of us while half talking to someone else on our phone.  It’s always go go go go go.  The busyness here isn’t like at home but I’d still leave yoga to throw a fruit, muesli and curd down the chop to run home to get into beach wear to run to meet alba at the beach before it got to hot… you know… it’s very hectic here!  I wanted to leave Arambol the week I got here and contemplating staying longer just to avoid the visa run in Thailand seemed ludicrous!  You may be wondering, “why not go somewhere else in India?”  Goa, while it’s getting hotter, is not AS hot as the entire rest of the southern part of Goa.  The only place to escape the heat is to head north, which I wanted to do but every train in India to anywhere is currently booked 2 months out and airfare to the north was just as much as airfare to Thailand AND I’m flying from Thailand to Perth because it’s cheaper SO, cost, is what was limiting that option.  In the end, I made up my mind and was going to head to Thailand immediately after Balu’s classes were over and then do a visa run the day before Vipassana.  Done!  Good plan!

About 2/3 through March I awoke one morning and whilst brushing my teeth, had a crazy tickle in the back of my throat and coughed, causing an immense pain to shoot through my ribs.  I didn’t think much of it so managed through a few days until the day after Alba left and that day it hurt to even breathe.  2 visits to a doctor and it was confirmed that I had a muscle spasm originating at my spine that would shoot searing pains through my angry intercostals and ANYTHING I did hurt, excluding laying supine and NOT MOVING.  Breathing hurt, walking on uneven surfaces hurt, opening my door hurt, showering hurt, sitting up straight hurt, the process of going from sitting to laying hurt, EVERYTHING hurt and for 2-3 days sometimes so bad that anytime I moved my eyes would well with tears.  I feared the littlest of coughs and I was deathly afraid to sneeze.  After doing tons of research and talking to the doctors this lovely lil injury, which seems to be yet another little ache that is residual from my head-on collision a year ago, takes WEEKS to heal!  It was settled, if I want this to heal as quickly as possible so I can get back to my yoga groove, I’m parkin my ass, literally!  Plus, I can’t even open my door, let alone carry a 30lb bag across country borders.

I resolved I was going to read, a lot, and do things I’ve wanted to do since I got here but somehow never got around to.  I picked up my pranayama books and started reading and I made a vow, since I could actually manage deep breathing while supine, I was going to make myself a full time nose breather!!  Big hairy audacious goals I have, right?  I already had a handle on it, for the most part, during the day but those unconscious hours are just so hard to tackle because, you’re unconscious.  Supposedly once you make it a permanent habit during the day, your body adjusts so at night, no more snoring, no more dry, choked coughs and good bye to middle of the night accidental protein snacks.  I’m 2 weeks down and from what I can see, it’s working! 

I couldn’t help but laugh at the situation, seriously doped up on muscle relaxers, while how just weeks prior I didn’t think it was possible for me to just chill being here with nothing to do but relax.  I don’t think a person can get any more relaxed than bed rest!  I mean, had I done this on my own free volition I would’ve enjoyed maybe a run on the beach before the sun came up, my own yoga practice, walking up the hill every night at sunset, finding cool places to go during the day, laying on the beach to work on my non-existent tan but instead, I’ve had to totally adjust my way of thinking and life while, essentially, stuck here.  Aside from the pain, which FINALLY after a week and a half of LITERAL bed rest has very slowly and gradually started to subside, it’s been really wonderful.  I’ve finished reading every pranayama book I have and I’m currently creating a 3-5 day workshop (I knew my time at Verizon was good for SOMETHING… training development…but of something I LOVE!), I’ve finished 3 other books, started 3 others, I’ve taken up a consistent morning pranayama practice, I decided, since I’m sedentary, now is the perfect time to tackle my sugar addiction and most importantly, I’ve rested.  I had to remind myself, “it’s OK to just BE!” I’ve had to be patient with myself and the situation which I cannot change and make the best of it and I have to be honest, it’s been kind of fun trying to see just what one CAN do when all they can do is lay in bed without moving. 

When I leave Arambol, I would have stayed here 4 months.  I’ve stayed in my guest house longer than any other guest in its history, which isn’t surprising because the people who come here, knowing they will stay 2+ months, pick much quieter areas.  The last time I stayed in one place for 4 months, without going anywhere was when I was in JUNIOR HIGH!!! That was NINETEEN YEARS AGO!  I remember when Michelle and I dated she said, “you’re ALWAYS going somewhere, you’re too busy to date!” I thought she was being ridiculous, which she WAS, but now that I think of it, I am always somewhere else besides where I live.  If it’s not leaving Seattle to go to Oregon to see my family, or east to see more family, or to one corner of the country for a regatta, it’s going to only god knows where for a concert fest, or to other countries to gallivant or volunteer, or countless other cities for festivals or shows.  I.do.NOT.stay.put!  You can cover Seattle, by car, from one end to the other in about 30-45 min (think West Seattle to Wedgewood/North Seattle).  Arambol, on the other hand, you can go from one end to the other in 20 minutes WALKING!  It’s been nice finding new things to do while I’ve been here and enjoying this little town as much as possible.  I made myself available and open to any and all opportunities that wanted to present themselves and I’ve been flooded with them since I arrived, after I removed my head from my own ass, of course (see Dying and Flying... Maybe Not in that Order blog entry).  I’m not sure if this is the start of a new phase in my life where stability and grounding will become important or if it’s just a crazy fluke but it’s definitely a far cry from what I’ve done historically.  It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be one of those people who can just be content and happy staying in one place for an extended period of time.  I mean, I know the heading for my birth date was “Excited Instability” in my former lady friend’s astrology book but there’s a chance I could change, right?  I know billions of people do it across the globe, why can’t I? That all said, I do have a ticket and I am leaving…

XXXoX

Dirty, sweaty, bitten and bruised

P.S.  I kinda want to come back to Arambol next season too.  Sssssssshhhh… don’t tell anyone!

 P.P.S. Oh yeah... my April 10Likes/Opportunities below

10 Likes

• Incredibly easy going and adaptable
• When my body says to rest, I rest
• Willing to try just about anything
• Immense self awareness
• Don’t take things personally
• Amazing at entertaining myself
• Take time for me when I need it
• Better understanding that people do what they feel is right for them and to not judge
• LOVE TO READ AND LEARN!!
• The heart… is OPENING and god damn it’s HUGE!

10 Opportunities

• Take time to have patience and not get frustrated
• Seek to find the balance between being present in my surroundings and present outside my surroundings
• Make better use of my days or consciously determine I just need to relax
• Continue to work on improving my self-discipline with my sugar addiction
• NEED to figure out and maintain a daily/weekly budget
• Learn to simmer my anxiety about my frustrations with my own country
• Write more
• More consistency in my pranayama and meditation practice
• Take more pictures
• I REALLY need to wax my legs!