Love

As I write this, it’s 9:30pm on Day 10 of Vipassana and after closing out “The Bar,” as Mel, Anna and I called the cafeteria during our tea chat session, we and 15 other women, who just finished Vipassana with us, had our dance/singing party shut down.  Mel is an Afgan woman whose family escaped from the country when she was 8 and parked their butts in the US for 20 years and 8 years ago, she decided to take her western education and start a corporate law practice in her home country.  Anna is a woman from Finland who decided to spend her 1 year sabbatical, from her management consulting profession, in the country she spent so many years working and is finally getting to see the country for what it really is. During our dance/sing party shut down, Mel and I were in the midst of a very climatic part of Rain Drops on Roses while the lot of us were being told “no dancing or singing is allowed on the Vipassana grounds!”  from the course manager.  We of course didn’t hear the announcement and kept singing louder and louder as the rain fell on our faces and thunder clapped overhead.   Oops!  I guess that the solo dance parties Franzi and I had in our Lamphun rooms were super illegal so I’m glad no one heard me blaring the new Santigold album as I was shakin my tush in the shower on 10 day of my 2^nd Vipassana. J  The fact about 20 women are outside right now and some were singing Bollywood songs while an adorable girl, Puja, was doing traditional village dance just goes to show how incredible this Vipassana and this group of people were.  These bloody things seem to keep getting better and better!  No expectations for any subsequent ones though, of course. ;)

As I sit in my little prison cell sized room, literally, with no windows except for a small skylight overhead, I can’t help but reflect on the incredible life affirming changes that have taken place over the last 10 days of silent SUPER intense meditation.  I was hit with a profound revelation on day 2, in the middle of just doing Anapana, which is observing the breath, which transformed my life from that moment forward.   For some reason, unbeknownst to me, while “observing” my breath, it dawned on me, this magical thought - “Wait, why would the manufactures of the Indian squaters, Hindustan in most cases, put their name on the side of the squatter where your butt faces? Wait a second… OMG!! I’VE BEEN USING THE SQUATTER BACKWARDS THE ENTIRE TIME I’VE LIVED IN ASIA!  No wonder there has always been the threat of a tickle sprinkle on my foot!!!!  Holy shit!! HOW EMBARRASSING!”  It’s like I’ve been straddling the toilet bowl for a whole year, elbows propped up on the back, just chilling, waiting for a dook to plop, which completely explains why one of my dad’s out of town work visitors from some Asian country was doing just that in our guest bathroom in my parents’ house when I was younger.  So note to all – in the west, face the door, in the east, face the wall!  The amazing things that come out of Vipassana… I tell ya! 

I also got very intimate with part of my body on this course as well, so intimate in fact that it was a little too intimate and I had to stop myself after only making it an 8^th of the way through.  NO, you dirty sluts, I didn’t blue clit myself… bitch please, never, but I now know why I’ve always had problems with ingrown hairs when shaving or waxing my legs.  That shit has NO orderly growth pattern!  Yes, I will blame Franzi for this, I took tweezers to my legs and as much as my friend Aimee hates the term “plucked,” I feel it most appropriate to use because pulling each leg hair, one at a time, maybe two if I was lucky, I really feel I became one with the plucked chickens of the world.  I made it almost ½ way through my lower right leg and decided I liked my morning and afternoon naps WAY better than this!  Not only that but once you get to the outside part, you have to crane your legs in all sorts of ways and I am not only out of yoga shape, but I was already in immense amounts of pain from my 10 ½ hours of sitting still, meditating, and it was just making matters much worse.  AND, if matters couldn’t get any worse, I started to PMS and men, I know you can’t relate but ladies know what I’m talking about.  HELLOOOOO sensitivity and exaggerated states of pain!  I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to stop!  I looked down though and between my shin high, scull socks and my fisherman’s trousers, there was this little bit of exposed skin… think of the really awkward leg tan soccer players get… it was ½ hair and ½ bare!  Aye, so I sucked it up and finished off the part just under my knee and so NOW, I have a totally “wax ready” left leg and a freakishly patch worked right leg.  I think this makes my year of celibacy easier to attain. ;)  Guess what I’ll be doing tomorrow though, as soon as I drop my bag off at my guest house??  Praise the one “beauty salon” in Bhagsu!

I’ve hesitated writing much about my actual REAL experiences in Vipassana for a number of reasons.  For one, in the event ANY of you actually want to try it yourself, I don’t want to rob you of an expectation-less experience, which is what every meditation session should be, well, what EVERY moment in life should be.  Second, I don’t want to preach or sound cray cray about the practice and I figured, if anyone was truly interested in it, they’d ask.  So, here is an open invitation, if you want to know anything, ANYTHING (except my own personal experiences) I’ll be more than happy to share.   Thirdly, it’s SUCH an intense experience there really are no appropriate words to capture what it is or more importantly, what it does TO you.  The ONLY way you can know is to experience, which is part of the core of the practice anyway… to know the true nature of your reality, as it is, on the experiential level, within the frame work of the body.  As an old student though, I get to sit closer to the front and since Dharamsala brings TONS of newbs to the scene, closer to the front means seat 3, dead square in front of the assistant teacher.  During some of the sessions she has little meetings with small groups of people, asking them about their progress and this particular teacher was so wonderfully engaged with the students, she would call certain women up, one at a time, who had been coming to her with questions throughout the course.  I usually left and went to my room to meditate because I’m not exactly seasoned and it’s hard to focus when there are quiet whispers a meter in front of me but on day 8, I stayed.  I may not have been able to put what the root of Vipassana is to me into words but what I overhead Nina, the Assistant Teacher, say to one of the other old students, who was sitting before her, sent me running back to my room to capture it on paper, it was so perfect and so beautiful and soooo… it.

When you have equanimity and accept all the sensations that arise, or when your mind wanders to thoughts of aversion or craving and you just accept that it has wandered, without frustration, you are developing love, compassion and peace within yourself.  Until you can feel true love, compassion and peace for everything that you are, inside, you will never be able to feel it for anyone else.  When you observe yourself with equanimity, you are learning to love yourself.

I felt like I got smacked across the face when I heard this.  I let it simmer for awhile and went to lunch but as I walked back to my room, for no apparent reason, tears started to well in my eyes but then faded back into my eyeballs.  I got to my room, grabbed my tweezers and thought about plucking away again but all of a sudden I burst into body convulsing, air gasping, snot and tear flowin (or I guess snot lurches more than flows), sobs.  This continued for a wee bit and after a few dry heaves in my bathroom, a few more gasps while in the fetal position on my bed, I passed out.  Nice timing too because really did come to enjoy my afternoon naps on my right side… I hear it’s good for digestion and lord knows anything helps with THAT whilst in Vipassana.  Vipassana is like a cork for your rectum, no joke!

Especially in recent years, I’ve always thought I was a person who loved herself.  I thought I was an awesome person with a few minor flaws but generally, pretty bad ass and not in a conceited way, just in a “comfortable in who I am” way. I’ve always known something “wasn’t quite right” inside me though and I’ve thought it was issues with anxiety, attachment, depression, etc but as soon as I heard the teacher speak those words and they rang out to me so clearly like they were placed directly in my scull for me to absorb, I asked myself, “do you love yourself, jess?”  You know what… no, I don’t… not completely, not unconditionally, not fully and totally and truly.  It’s taken removing me from all the distractions, that are SO EASY to fall into because they are so fun, removing me from my comforts, removing me from the outside world, 3 times, mind you, for me to finally get it.  THIS is why I am here!  This is why I have left a world I love so much, the people I love, the city I love, the life I love.  This is what I have spent 1 full month of the last 11 months trying to figure out, intensely anyway.  I feel like THIS is the reason I’m in India.  It’s not to travel, it’s not to turn into a pretzel, it’s to find the unconditional love within myself I’ve never had.  I don’t truly love myself!  I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say I can attribute the sobbing to this realization but it wasn’t tears of sadness or depression, it was so SO intense I needed a release and it was exactly what my body needed to do to accomplish that.  After those 5 minutes of being a drippy mess of face fluids, I felt like they sky opened up, like I weighed a fraction of what I did just moments prior and something surged through my body like lightning.  It’s not anxiety I’m tackling, it’s not attachment, it’s THIS and with THIS comes everything else.  Admitting to myself, finally, once and for all, I don’t completely love myself is the most liberating thing I’ve ever felt and I accept exactly where I am with it right now, without judgment or frustration and knowing full well that *I* am the only one who can accomplish this.  No one else can put the love I don’t have for myself in my being, only I can but that’s the complete beauty of it… *I* have control over making this happen.. no one else.  Just knowing, deep down, to the core of my tiniest bodily sensations, this, I think is a fucking monster step in the right direction.  If that’s not the best birthday present I can give myself, I don’t know what is.

Bhavatu Sabba Mangalam, bitches! ;)

Xxxox

Hairy, Love Bubble of Dirty!

p.s. I totally love the monkeys now! LOVE THEM!  They are probably the most fun animals to watch live their lives… srsly… ya’ll should try it and in the wild, not in a fucking zoo.

p.p.s. Ringing in my 32nd year of life in Vipassana was one of the most beautiful things ever... *hops on my rainbow shitting unicorn to go sprinkle fairy dust around Dharamsala*

p.p.p.s. Nina, the Assistant Teacher, used the phrase "Oh, pain is a WONDERFUL sensation" like running coaches say "hills are your friends." ZOMG!!!  I died.

Panic at the Disco

Is it funny that everyone in Seattle is actually counting the minutes of summer felt thus far this year and I’m chilling on my patio, immersed in thick fog rolling in and out of the hillside, it’s been pouring rain all day and I’m totally loving every bit of this?  I actually bought my first umbrella today for the first time in… uh… I don’t even know when.  It’s huge and it’s rainbow and I call it my “Big Gay Umbrella.”  Creative name isn’t it and I love it.

I’ve been in Dharamkot for 5 days and it’s been quite the experience thus far and I may be understating the fact that I love it.  Now, Dharamsala is the main town, which is about 11km from where I am on the hillside.  It’s where most of the locals live, there is the hospital, the big bank and where all business takes place.  This is not where I am.  Up what I’m assuming is a very steep hill (I don’t remember because I was passed out until we arrived), is McLeod Ganj, which is where the hub of this area rests.  It’s touristy as fuck!  The square where the roads to Dharamkot, Bhagsu and Dharamsala meet, is cluttered with the hustle and bustle of shops, restaurants, western unions, travel agents, bodegas and tourists, EVERYWHERE, tourists!  Don’t get me wrong, we are in exiled Tibetan capital of the world and there is definitely a sighting of maroon draped robes over shaven headed bodies but it’s not as prevalent as I thought it would be.  When we got here, the Dalai Lama, who resides here in Tsuglagkhang Buddhit Temple in McLeod Ganj, was visiting with Obama in the US but during my incredibly horrific hangover on Wednesday, he arrived back in Dharamsala and Aishwarya got to see him from his vehicle as he returned.  I also learned last night he will be giving a 3 day teaching seminar at the end of August/beg of September, just days after Cat and I finish our Vipasana retreat and I’m currently figuring out how to pay the group sponsoring his teaching so I can attend.  If that’s not an amazing bucket item list to cross off, I don’t know what is!  The area is catered heavily to all the people who come to begin their multi-day treks in the Himalayas so there are tons of shops with knock off North Face apparel and all the usual jewelry stores and Tibetan fabric shops.  I will say, the lack of cows and therefore, cow shit, is a nice change of pace and I don’t seem to get almost run over with every second that passes I try to walk from place to place but there are nightly dog fights outside our guest house. 

Just off the square is the road up to Dharamkot and as you ascend you can see all the buildings below draped with Buddhist prayer flags across the hillside.  The road is very narrow and for the most part, is in ruins with only a little bit of it paved and the rest is huge pot holes with exposed rock and massive chunks taken out of the path.  Along one side of the street is a mess of pipes clustered together that I’m going to assume are water pipes and they run almost the entire length of the road coming from Dharamkot.  I’ve only been down this road a few times, because as I’ve stated, I can’t stand being in shop riddled touristy places, but each time I have and take a tuktuk up the road, I’m in utter shock that it makes it up the hill.  These holes in the road must be as big as some of these things that trudge up the hill in the lowest gear possible.  The buildings in the area are all colorful, ranging from light to bright pinks, greens, yellow, blue and they are all scattered across the hillside.  As you come into Dharamkot there are 2 small roads that take you to 2 of the main parts of the town.  I have only ventured down one, the one we’re staying on. I know, I know, I need to get out more!  The street is lined with guest houses and cafés of various sorts, all serving the usual flair of Indian cuisine, Israeli, Chinese, Tibetan, Italian and of course, there has to be a tattoo parlor.  I will say, I ventured in one day to figure out what the fuck to do with these things on my back that are seeming to have no story behind them and while I won’t get the work finished here, I now have a solid vision that will properly capture the story of my past and mix with the story of my present.  Tats are not much cheaper here than in the US so I’m in no rush.

I took a few days off from writing this blog post, originally started on the 23^rd, because whilst sitting in Sanji’s Milkyway, one of our regular spots and adjacent to our guest house, it got insanely packed with hippie Israeli’s and they hot boxed the place with hash and I, needless to say, totally lost my focus on writing.  I’m currently sitting on the outside patio of the Krishna Café, which has AMAZING Tibetan momo’s, well I think anyway, I only have one other place to compare them with, and rain is trickling from the sky, clouds are sweeping in and out of the hillside and it’s just beautiful.  This place is quiet and I never see more than a few people here, since it’s up the hill a bit and away from a majority of the fan fare, which is where I’m staying.  Jade and I managed, or I should really say Jade managed, to find a really great location for us to stay.  As with all accommodations on this trip, it’s simple, a big firm foamed bed, a plastic chair, a small book shelf and a bathroom with HOT WATER!  I think I already mentioned that but I feel it necessary to mention again.  Now that I’m in a location where not all my food/accommodations are already paid I’ve decided to actually, for the first time in my life, live on a budget, which I’m allotting myself 500INR a day, which is roughly $11 a day for food and housing.  $11 a day people!  I’m living comfortably, although not luxuriously, and eating very well and that includes countless chai that I can’t seem to get enough of.  This expense I’m putting on top of whatever already planned yoga course/workshop I’ve opted to attend.

Speaking of yoga, I have taken a liking to the Iyengar course and after our first 5 days of the beginner session is complete, I’m excited to see what the next week brings.  Gabby and her friend Jonathan decided to opt out of the trek with a bunch of our other friends in Kashmir, for various reasons, and stay with us and Aishwaraya, so it’s been a yoga filled fun time with good friends.  In order to do ANYTHING else at this Iyengar facility, started by one of B.K.S. Iyengar’s long time students, you have to complete 3 5 day “beginner” courses.  Aside from the fact the sub teacher (Sharat is away teaching in Europe) had us doing 35 bow poses on the 3^rd day, I’d say beginner is quite accurate.  I’ve taken some Iyengar classes in the states and I’m going to venture to say, none of them were true Iyengar, unless you count just whipping out the use of a strap is Iyengar.  The focus on alignment is pretty intense, especially w/ the feet and extending the toes, although I hear in weeks 2 and 3 will be even more so, the poses are held for at the very least a minute, some 25 minutes, and yes, props galore are used.  We have this cute eastern European teacher, who I don’t even think told us her name. The participants were all pretty low key, excluding one creeper dude from the US who looks like he’s been to one too many Burning Man’s and is on a mission to hit on every woman in sight and these 4 older Russian woman, who not only don’t speak a lick of English but don’t pay attention to the demonstrations in class, don’t try to really do anything properly, even after one of the students translates for them, leave their cell phones on and talk incessantly.  I’m looking forward to them moving on to other things next week. J  Now for those who know me know I LOVE vigorous ANYTYHING, rowing, running, sex, yoga, drinking, inappropriate talk… you name it.  Iyengar is the complete opposite of rigorous BUT the focus I’ve been able to have on a single pose is phenomenal, I found I’ve been fucking up my triangle pose all these years AND I’ve already noticed insane increases in certain forms of flexibility with just the 5, 3hr days.  We get through *maybe* 7 poses in the course of those 3 hours and after my personal practice this morning, I did find where we’ve missed some spots and where poses lack in the series they teach.  I’ve learned quite a bit though but I’m still tossed up though on whether I want to actually dive into a 3 week intensive but I’m going to see what the universe has in store for me with that.  They have only 4 spots left and on Aug 16 I go into Vipasana meditation with Cat and at the end of that, Sarah and I find out if we’re one of the top 5 to be selected for a travel blogging position in Japan that would take me to Japan by way of Bangkok Sept 15.  I’m in no rush to try to register though and have tons of other options of things to do and I can always do another intensive at another time if I desire.  I did get my first sucking by a leech on the walk to the Himalayan Institute on my birthday, that was rad… or NOT!

The Vipasana center is right up the street from where I’m staying, which I’m getting both nervous and excited for, but right next to it is a Buddhist Meditation Center called Tushita and they have a number of activities always going like morning guided meditations, movies twice a week, guest speakers and what not, that you can attend anything by donation.  I’ve already seen 2 movies and after the last one, “Discovering Buddhism: Transforming Problems,” our group of friends had a really nice discussion with a monk afterwards on thoughts/questions it triggered, things we wanted clarification and then between us, we did a comparison with yogic/hindi philosophy/teachings.  I will say, I’m open to learn more about Buddhism but so far, I really enjoy the positivity surrounding yoga and the message of both are the same but Buddhism focuses so much on “suffering” that it’s not really resonating with me. I like thinking I am you and you are me and we’re all the same in the state of universal consciousness, we are not our bodies, our mind or our emotions, we are much deeper and much more connected than that.  It’s beautiful, this yoga stuff. J  This Thursday/Friday a Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo will be speaking and we will all be attending the second session after yoga. So many learning opportunities here it’s CRAZY!

My 31^st birthday went off with little fan fare, much unlike every other year in my adulthood.  We had plans to go on an adventure drive with Sanji, the guy who owns the café we frequent, but people got sick, people bailed and then, in a rush of Israeli trekkers, he was so swamped he couldn’t step away like he wanted.  It was 3pm and I saw my day disappearing into my room on the internet, just as so many other days and I was a moping mess.  Little did I know the wonderful surprises my new wonderful friends from Yog Peeth planned.  Prior to dinner they dragged me into Jade’s room and handed me a plate, filled with HobNobs covered in Nutella, bananas and candles!  They sang a very surprised me happy birthday and I already felt like a schmuck for being such a soggy brat all day.  We walked to the Krishna Café, where I’m typing now, and had a wonderful dinner and then they presented me w/ a sapphire necklace that an astrologer said would do all the necessary work needed!  Gabby made the knotted holder for the sapphire and jonathan made the necklace part.  It was so very sweet and thoughtful and I was shocked!  When I spoke to Sanjay’s guru he stated I’m going through some very hard times right now, which is true, I guess, but also not.  I asked about my reactionary attachment/detachment issues, I’m assuming fueled by an early abandonment by a one of the parents, and he stated I would need to buy a 7ct dark sapphire and wear it as a silver ring on my right ring finger.  Wow, thanks guru for telling me to buy a stone just shy in lavishness and expense of a diamond!  So the thoughtfulness behind the gift Gabby, Jade, Jonathan and Aishwaraya gave me was so wonderful my thanks couldn’t be put to words.  Gabby gave it to me and said, “now you don’t have to spend $15k on a sapphire or chant the Saturn mantra forever!” J So my birthday evening was rather wonderful and I learned I still need to work on holding onto expectations of “plans,” well, of everything really.  I’ve gotten pretty good at being flexible but you know, I always make a big deal of my birthday so when nothing happens, this Leo is not a happy camper but I really need to chill and enjoy what I’m doing at that very moment and understand whatever is happening is exactly as it’s supposed to happen. 

Yesterday I decided to get a post birthday massage at The Sanctuary across the street and a very attractive, calm mannered man named Anand is the aryuvedic/thai massage therapist, as well as yoga teacher, and he gave me what could potentially be the weirdest and I think most wonderfully amazing massage ever?  I’m not sure exactly how I feel about it but I will say, if I choose to actually schedule another one with him, I will feel like I’m knowingly hiring someone for 3 hours of foreplay, which I don’t do.  One time, it was a nice… I guess, surprise but a second time, I don’t think so.  Very little wasn’t covered and it wasn’t awkward at all but yeah, like I said, I’m still tossed up on how I feel about the experience. I will say I need to find a lover who knows how to massage like that though!  Jeez!

Today has been a mix of weird and off – I had night terrors about my family and another thing the guru told me a week ago, woke me from my sleep – “you are currently being betrayed by a loved one.”  That didn’t rattle me at all until my subconscious decided it wanted to freak out in the middle of the night last night.  I also had a REALLY weird release during Chakrasana where my entire front body felt this intense crazy tingly sensation.  We went to meditation and while waiting for breakfast I started feeling this terrible dread and knew, from past experience, I was on the verge of a panic attack.  It didn’t help that I was starving and all I had ingested was chai but I knew I had to jet.  I ate as quickly as possible, headed up to my room and almost burst into tears for only god knows what reason.  I used to be plagued by those a few years ago but I honestly can’t remember the last time I had one and it terrified me.  I don’t know if it’s the insane energy of being in a city filled with devout Buddhists and exiled Tibetans, all that I’m learning, all the transformations of my body and mind or really, just all of it compounded, but I needed to take a step back and just chill today.  James is my savior and helped talk me out of it by reading me headlines from US Weekly and telling me about all the wonderful things he’s doing at home and adventures he has planned.  I love him!  I had my worst one about 10 years ago (omg, 10 years ago?!) and he sat with me the entire night and helped pull me from wherever my non-physical being had gone.  I realized I hadn’t had a day to myself, really to myself, since a few weeks before I left Seattle so on his recommendation, I’m having a “Seattle Jess” day in India.  I read for a majority of it and now, I’m at a café, reading and writing, eating delicious food and sipping chai, exactly as I would do at home.  It’s wonderful and melding the life of Seattle me and India me will need to be essential to me not going crazy while I’m experiencing so much.  My almost break down today is what is making me slightly nervous for Vipasana but that’s why I came here, to dig into my deepest self and figure out who I really am and tackle all that ails and come out a better person for me and for everyone around me.  Let the real adventures begin!

The sun is peaking out for the first time since I’ve been here (although I hear it made a cameo yesterday while I was getting sensually manhandled) so I’m going to sit and stare at the view for awhile, sip my lemon, honey, ginger tea and nibble on some veggie pakora… until later…

Xxo,

Dirty