Vipassana

You know, it’s been just over a full year since I did my first Vipassana and in 53 weeks, I managed to do 4 of these suckers and I’ve written almost nothing about what it is.  It’s had such a drastically profound impact on my life and it’s something I never expected would yield the results that it has.  Seriously… I’m perpetually blown away by what living in silence and sitting for 10 ½ hours a day, not to mention the continued daily practice, just observing the sensations in your body, can do for your mental and emotional state.  So I want to give ya’ll, whomever is interested, a little lesson in what a S.N. Goenka 10-day Vipassana course is all about and what you do.  Even with reading about it you’ll have NO IDEA what it REALLY is until you do one yourself.  I read an entire book, written by one of his students in partnership with Goenka, on what it was before I ever went and I was still completely unprepared for what I was getting myself into… not in a bad way, just in a “oh my holy good god, wtf is THIS?!” kinda way. J  I have NO idea how long this will be so bear with me ;)

My Own Transformations

I guess these are why I feel it’s important to actually put this info out there for whomever may want to read it.  I actually believe to my core, that it’s possible Buddha existed and that many buddhas have existed in the past an in the present and will in the future and it’s because I, myself, have already witnessed such immense changes in myself.  Take what yoga did to me over the course of a few years and increase the benefit exponentially and in a drastically reduced time and THAT is what Vipassana has done for me.  Had I known THIS is what meditation was capable of doing, I could have saved myself thousands of dollars in therapy and tons of heartache and dissatisfaction with life.  I guess I wasn’t ready for it earlier though and I’m thankful it HAS come into my existence.  So here are some ways I’ve changed:

• I’m more patient and easy going.  I don’t freak out if things don’t go my way anymore. 
• I’m way less of a control freak
• Increased desire to listen and not just talk
• Less desire to spout my opinion about things and what others are doing 
• Ask more mindful and thoughtful questions to try to understand where someone else is at and help them understand themselves
• More accepting and understanding of others and myself.  Even when I don’t understand, I’m more prone to accept
• Way more compassionate
• I realized there is NO such thing as multi-tasking, only fraction-tasking and it's way less fulfilling than single tasking.  I also don't see "multi-tasking" as a good thing anymore.
• More flexible and understanding with shifts in my life and the people in it
• I enjoy each and every single bite of food I eat, well... almost... gettin there anyway
• More genuine, unconditional love for myself and others
• Greatly enhanced awareness.  I’m still a total pain in the ass at times but I recognize it almost immediately and either rectify or smooth things over as soon as I’m a douche or even stop myself before I’m a total bitch. J  My mom is grateful for this! Haha
• Present moment awareness is way more present in my life
• Happy for no damn good reason
• More of a selfless giver
• More appreciative of the time I have and what I do with it but I don't feel the need to always be DOING something.  I'm totally content staring at the clouds and immersing myself experience in that and that alone.
• My ability to let go of certain things has greatly improved… certain things…
• When I’m in a funk, I’m better at observing how I’m feeling and letting the sensations pass, instead of feeding my misery.  Same goes for my moments of elation… I enjoy them but watch them pass and I’m not bummed when I’m back to my normal.
• I sincerely want to change the world… new desire I have and I’ve let go of any desired outcome ;)

God… SO MANY MORE!!  Another big thing that happens when you meditate is something I started to experience on my 2^nd and each subsequent Vipassana course… I felt my intellect, things I have KNOWN for YEARS, go from the mind of intellect and drop into the heart of wisdom.  This experience is so indescribable and so fucking brilliant!  AAAHHH!!!  It can be as subtle as just having a realization and going “oh, duh, I get it” to a massive explosion where I felt like I got hit by a speeding train of light and that something actually viscerally dropped from my head into my heart!  I’ve had both experiences and everything in between.  These realizations kind of creep up whenever they feel like it and you can’t control what you realize.  Sometimes I’ve had a realization when I’m just observing my sensations and something just dons on me.  Other times the teacher says something to someone else and as it hits my ears while I’m meditating, the light bulb explodes into brightness… they just come!!  The big things that have moved from intellect to wisdom are: 

• EVERYTHING GOES AWAY (so what’s the point of attachment??)
• Self love
• Love and relationships
• Opening oneself to the possibility of change, you can't force yourself to change
• Importance of total self awareness
• Uselessness of comparisons in life
• You can only work through your struggles and others can only work through theirs

Those are the doozies I’ve had.  I wish I could explain more clearly what it’s like to experience a realization but they are so awesome, I can’t.  I truly understood though how it’s nice to have a massive intellectual knowledge base but that it’s really pointless and you can’t do much with it until it’s in the heart of wisdom.  We could experience these on a daily basis if we were just more present and aware but alas, we aren’t.  The universe also seems to deliver the messages that you NEED to have, whether you knew you needed to have it or not.

You know how in books you read on enlightened beings and how they say, “The more you come to know, the more you realize you don’t know anything”… I get that now.  I feel like I know nothing!! *laughs*

Biggest moment for me thus far was this last course.  I’ve had a locked down metal heart for a long time, call it due to my father abandoning us and my fear to leave myself vulnerable to myself… It’s slowly been getting chipped away but this last course, in the final moments of silence on day 10, in our last serious meditation, I felt my chest rip open, a beam of blinding light shine from my heart center and it felt like it was breathing its own oxygen from the atmosphere, which no need for the lungs.  Tears started to come out of eyes and it.was.AMAZING!  Later that day, I realized, in a subsequent meditation, that I had forgiven my father... and with that, everyone else in my life who I feel may have harmed me; although, it was always me harming myself.  The harm of a parent seems to just go deeper and it was during my first 12 years of life so how was I to know any better?  Not to say my heart is like a wide open beacon of awesomeness from this point forward but it definitely showed me how it can and SHOULD be!  It was beyond brilliance! 

I’ve probably had so many more transformations that are so subtle I may not even be aware of them and others I'm just not thinking of off hand.  Basically, I’m a love bubble now.

How I Came to Vipassana

I started practicing yoga (mainly asana or the physical practice) in 2007 and I just wanted to stretch out my rower muscles.  Around 2009 I started to practice more consistently and upon resigning/getting laid off from the VzW my practice went from 4-5 times a week to almost 2 times a day.  I gained flexibility, I was able to do some crazy arm balances, my strength was changing but I also noticed something more profound, I was A LOT calmer, a lot more patient, slightly more present and I had no idea why.  I wasn’t exposed to the Hindu or Yoga philosophy at all and these changes just manifested on their own after a few years of yoga.  When I left my job I wanted to learn as much as I could about this thing that had seemed to change so much in me in such a short period of time so I went to India to do a Teacher Training to learn more about Yoga Philosophy, the Sutras and all other aspects of the 8 limbs of yoga, besides the 3^rd limb, which is asana. 

At my TTC, plans had been made with my friend Jade to head north to Dharamsala to study Iyengar and as I was browsing wikitravel I saw a few retreat centers for meditation in the area and voiced that maybe I should give one a try.  Within a fraction of a second, Jade and my friend Dominic (both who are like the light on any dark day) both excitedly yelled, “OMG, DO VIPASSANA!!! It’s the hardest, most intense meditation retreat you can do!!”  I looked, it was there and being someone who has lived in the extremes thought, “why the hell not?!”  So I signed up, not knowing really anything about meditation, so this would be my first experience.  I told my friend Ashish and he laughed and said, “omg, you’re voluntarily going into PRISON!?”  Yes, that is what S.N. Goekna Vipassana is known as and funny enough, there is a whole wing of Tihar (biggest prison in Delhi) that is dedicated to Vipassana Meditation for the inmates.  So… prison… here I come!!

Caveats

• I have only done a Vipassana course with S.N. Goekna so I can’t speak for other methods.  That being said, there ARE other methods of Vipassana and obviously of meditation but a majority (98%) of my practice is rooted in this method.  I have loved (and let’s be honest, hated) it so much and I’ve seen such crazy changes that I didn’t find it necessary to “shop around” any further.  That may change but for right now, I’m satisfied with what I’ve got.  There are walking vipassana courses in Thailand that are “same-same but different” and there are tons of other Buddhist type Vipassana methods, which I haven’t done so I can’t say anything about them.  There are also tons of Hindu meditation methods but I have very little practice in those and always managed to fall asleep in the first 2 minutes of any Yoga Nidra (guided meditation).
• There is no short course for 1^st time students of S.N. Goenka and once you do your first, you totally understand why there is no fast forward method.  You can’t read a book or watch a video to just start practicing on your own… there is no quick way to get to a higher level of consciousness… sorry ya’ll! ;)  You can read up on the first method I’ll talk about, Calm Abiding, but that just calms the mind, it doesn’t purify the mind.

Teaching 

The method of practice is supposedly the original teachings of Gotama the Buddha.  I want to be clear, this is NOT Buddhism, filled with various rights and rituals and different dogmas.  I don’t have to do prostrations every day, chant mantras, do the lovely mudras or anything like that.  It’s all straight up practice and I LOVE it for that reason.  Whatever devotion you have for the practice you hold in your heart once you have experienced the changes yourself.  People from ALLLLLL walks of life and all religious backgrounds practice this.  I’ve personally done courses with Christians, Muslims, Hindus, Agnostics, Atheists, Jews, Buddhists of all varieties, monks, nuns, Americans, Indians, Thai, Europeans, South Americans, Middle Easterners… you name it, it’s for EVERYONE!  Tenzin Palmo, while she is a Tibetan Buddhist nun and has a slightly different practice, has spent considerable time wanting to info share with Christians during her travels and when she gets there, all they want to do is learn to meditate so they can be better at controlling their own mind.  Funny how I have a video made by conservative Christians that say meditation and yoga are the work of the devil… that’s just pure and gross ignorance and fear of what they don’t know.  Plus, if it’s the Devil that’s making me a much better person, SIGN ME UP!!! ;)  Goenka makes it completely and totally non-secular and it’s very important to him that it stays that way and he says, “it’s not dhamma unless it is universal” and it can’t be universal unless you take dogma out of it.  No one should be offended by the practice, unless you are a person who is of blind faith and thinks just believing in Jesus or Muhammad, or anyone else will save you from your suffering even if you continue to be a raging asshole and treat yourself and others like shit.  Goenka does poke fun of those peeps a bit… no actual PRACTICE is condemned… whether it be another meditation method or a religious practice but he does ask you totally suspend ALL other practices while in the course and give it a full try.  Once you leave, you can of course do as you please.

It’s also been made easily accessible to all people, not just nuns and monks.  That being said, can this practice and this practice alone get you to enlightenment or would you need to get some super secret tips from a recluse?  I have not the damnedest idea but I’m not trying to reach enlightenment, I just want to be less of an asshole and a more awesome person for myself and others but who knows where or how far it will take me.  I don’t think I’ll ever know how far along the scale of change I’ll be anyway.  This process is like being plopped down to run an ultra marathon where you’re given a map on where to go but you can’t tell how far it is but you’ll know you’re done once you get to the little tiny road marker on the road that says “finish line.”  Alright… let’s get down into the 3 parts of the practice! J


Moral Code of Conduct

But but… this is part of religion!  No no no… just listen, although; the moral code and the 5 precepts you take ARE those of Buddhism but then again, we’re following the direct teaching of the Buddha.  They are really simple and abide by the thought that people should abstain from harmful words/actions and do pious actions.  Here are the 5 precepts you must take for the course and those you should try to live by as much as possible in daily life.  I’ll explain those that need explaining…

1. Abstain from killing – this means purposely ending the life of any being, whether a person, a dog or a bug.  Plants are not included and if you accidentally step on an ant while walking down the street, you won’t go to hell.  In fact, there is no hell and some might say that if you are living a life of self-inflicted suffering, you’re already in hell!  I have a REALLY hard time w/ mosquitos!  I will say, after my year of practice, aside from mosquitos, I don’t kill anything anymore and I accidentally killed a spider about a month ago and I felt genuine sadness in my heart for what I had just done.  I thought it would fall to the ground and survive, I swear!!!  I guess spiders as big as my palm can’t survive falls =( Intent also plays part in this… my intent was to shoo the spider off my balcony but what actually happened wasn’t that.  Like if you’re giving CPR to someone and your intent is to save them but let’s say they had a broken rib and when you pressed it punctured their lung, killing them… you did not purposely do harm, you were trying to do good and accidentally harm happened.  Abortion was not really covered but I know it’s not exactly a celebrated practice… I’m not getting into that debate here either
2. Abstain from lying – pretty self explanatory and this also includes exaggerations
3. Abstain from stealing – also pretty self explanatory
4. Abstain from Sexual Misconduct – this one needs explaining!  Which of these scenarios do you think would be considered “sexual misconduct”? 

a.       Hypothetical Scenario 1– let’s say I take my girlfriend (we’re REALLY GAY) home and upon getting inside my room, I throw her on the bed, lock her up in chains, flog the crap out of her and then proceed to fuck her up the ass until she screams in pleasure? (sorry for the detail… trying to make a point… wait for it… wait for it…)

b.      Scenario 2 – a guy is feeling horny as hell and just wants a piece o ass.  He knows his friend, who is a girl, really likes him, even though he’s not really into it, but he pursues the opportunity anyway because he wants some.  He says he’s not into anything serious and he knows she’s agreeing with the stipulation he has set only because she likes him SOOOOO much.  Knowing he’s going to hurt her, he has an intimate relationship with her anyway and screws her in the missionary position (yawn).  A few weeks later, he ends things and hurts the poor girl, which he knew was going to happen but he did it anyway because he was horny.

Ok… so which do you think is considered harmful??  A??  EEEEEEEERRR!!!  My sex isn’t harming ANYONE, especially YOU!  My girlfriend likes it rough, we’re both consensual adults and love each other and this is what we like.  Our intent is to love and satisfy each other.  Now scenario B is another story… the guy is only out for his own self benefit and isn’t taking into account the other person at all, even purposely emotionally harming her, as it were, so he can get some ass.  It doesn’t matter what kind of sex you have or whom you have it with, as long as both parties are consenting and harm isn’t anywhere in there.  Obviously, rape, molestation and those are considered harmful but I was rather pleased to know I’m not considered “harmful” if I love my girlfriend and like a little excitement… as it should be.  Thank you Gotama the Buddha. Oh and in Vipassana, there is NO touching in Noble Silence so celibacy is needed for the 10 days.

5.  Abstain from the use of intoxicants – People struggle with this one so let me explain the reason behind it.  It’s not because liquor or drugs are in themselves a “sin” it’s because the use of them inhibit your awareness and your ability to make proper decisions.  The use of intoxicants puts you at greater risk of breaking the aforementioned precepts.  This is totally abstaining from their use, it doesn’t say “abstain from getting shit faced.”  In Vipassana we can’t drink or smoke or anything but outside, we are our own masters and we do as we please.  If want to drink, we can drink, but it will hinder our ability to stick to the above, but that’s a choice we’re making.  I actually saw my own awareness suffer GREATLY while I was visiting home in October this past year as I was delivered interesting news… booze helped everything go into a downward spiral of crap.  After so much practice, I really don’t crave a drink at all anymore, or maybe that’s because wine and whiskey in India are AWFUL!  I did thoroughly enjoy some Malbec whilst in Australia and intend to do so again when I have a chance but considering what sort of boozer I was before, there has been a steep decline in my desire to ever go back to that.

These precepts aren’t commandments, they are, “you know, we know we’re all flawed but there should be a concerted effort to follow these BUT, you are your own master.”  If you break them, you do so with the awareness and knowledge that you’re ability to purify your mind may be halted temporarily, until you’ve straightened things out, or not progress as quickly, but that’s a choice you make, which you are free to do…. You know… make choices.

10-day course

Welcome!!  You’ve arrived!  You’re all registered, you have been assigned your room or dorm and things are about to get started.  You take a vow of 10 days of silence (really isn’t more like 9 ¼), NOBLE SILENCE!  That means no talking, no gestures, no eye contact.  Goenka mentions some reasons behind these but he doesn’t mention the biggest one (to me anyway), which I think allows people to think it’s not *that* serious.  When you’re in a Vipassana course, you are going so deep inside yourself, you’re basically leaving yourself open as an emotional gaping wound and you’re reaching inside to fix it.  In a completely isolated state it’s easier to do this, to really be in your own bubble of energy.  If you speak to anyone and ESPECIALLY touch or make eye contact with anyone, there is energy exchanged and you’re no longer on your own, you’ve come out of your bubble and you are now having an experience with someone else… this breaks things up a bit and lessens the intensity.  It’s not devastating but it’s really more powerful to stay to yourself.  I remember dating someone and just looking in her eyes and becoming a puddle… or just when we graze arms… that contact is really intense and it’s best to avoid that because this is a SELF practice, not a group practice, even if you are surrounded by people… you are… ALONE in this journey to your own depths.

You CAN talk to the management if there is anything you need to help make your stay more comfortable and you CAN talk to the teacher about the technique if you have questions.  Just don’t talk to other mediators.

There is also a course boundary, which you cannot pass and the sexes are separated.  I think that’s to keep distractions down but they certainly didn’t take the homos into account with this.  I’ve taken to wearing a scarf covering my face for a majority of my courses… sometimes it’s quite necessary, especially if there is a ridiculously gorgeous woman from Spain sitting right behind you! ;) 

There is a set schedule that involves waking at 4am to start meditating at 4:30 (I’m AWFUL at that bit) and then you go until 9pm at night, you eat what’s made for you, you can’t exercise but generally there are walking paths you can use, which aren’t expansive but are nice to have.  I’ll let the website fill in any blanks… on to the practice!!  www.dhamma.org for complete details and ALL the things you must know before registering.

Part 2 – Samadhi

So Buddha and the Yogi’s use the word Samadhi a bit differently.  In yoga, the goal is Samadhi, which is realization of the true nature of all things, the Buddha uses Samadhi as “single pointed concentration,” which in Ashtanga Yoga (the philosophy, not pattabhi jois Ashtanga) is the 6^th limb, which I’m forgetting the name of right now… Dharna?  The first 3 ½ days of a 10 day vipassana course you do a practice called Anapana, or Shamata or Calm Abiding.  It’s the practice where you sit there and focus on the breath coming in and out of the nostrils… that’s it!  Seriously.  3 ½ days of that.  Now each day the area in which you focus gets smaller and smaller and the reason for that is that your mind is not able to get to more subtle places until you start observing smaller areas.  You start from observing your full nasal passage and the triangle from the bridge of your nose to the upper lip and by the last moments of Anapana, you’re only focusing on the space above the upper lip and below the nostrils.

People always tells me when I say I meditate, “OMG, I am so bad at meditating.  I can’t focus.”  Ya’ll say that like you’re the only person on this planet that feels like they are a schizophrenic ADHD person when you actually sit still and try to focus on ONE THING… the present.  We ALL SUCK at meditation… we all suck at anything unless we practice, right? J  My first course and sometimes still, I can focus on my breath for one, maybe two breaths and then POOF… my head is off somewhere else and I have to bring it back.  The point is to not get frustrated with yourself, to accept that the current nature of your mind is to wander, because that’s what it’s done for SOOOOOO long, and then just bring it back when you actually realize it’s wandered off to making business plans or what you’re going to eat for dinner.  I’m at a point now where I can focus on it, sometimes, for minutes at a time w/o my head wandering… it’s taken a year to get there.  This stuff takes work!

Anapana is the process of calming the mind, controlling the mind, living in the present.  When you observe just your breath you come to realize a lot about the nature of your mind, usually, that it’s crazy and all over the place and REALLY hard to control.  You start to realize how we’ve been a slave to our minds for so long and how we are always either in 1 of 2 places, stuck in the past or dreaming/freaking out about an unknown future.  You start to understand you very rarely live in the present moment.  All this from just trying to observe the breath... we're never supposed to observe the thoughts.  Those are just supposed to pass without us attaching ourselves and identifying with them.  The reason the breath is used is because it’s real, it’s in us, it happens ALL THE TIME and you can’t focus on the last breath, or the next breath, you can only focus on THIS breath.  You just let the air flow as it naturally does and observe it… you don’t control the breath through pranayama (yoga breathing) you just let yourself breath.  You don’t count, you don’t visualize… you just observe.  It took me quite a while to figure out how exactly to do that w/o thinking “in/out/in/out” or actually visualizing my nasal cavity.  You get it w/ practice. 

This practice and its effects are very similar to all other forms of concentration, whether on a flame, on a visualization your yoga teacher gives you… etc.  BUT there is a very distinct difference in that the aim is NOT to just calm and quiet the mind, which it does, it’s to make the mind sharper and take it to a more subtle place.  This sounds really vague and abstract while typing this but really, when you experience it, you’ll know exactly what I mean.  The sharper and sharper it gets, the more apt you’ll be to practicing Vipassana.  Calming the mind is VERY important and it HAS to be done before you can begin the purification process.  If someone just calms their mind though, they aren’t going deeper to the root of all our ish and purifying all the impurities.  Tenzin Palmo said in her book and I’m going to loosely quote, “there are yogi’s who can meditate for days at a time, focusing on the object they’ve decided but if someone comes and interrupts them, they’ll still get rattled and angry… you have to go to the depth of the mind to purify it.”  Segue…

Part 3 - Vipassana

That bring us to Vipassana, that which purifies the mind.  Another word is Insight and its goal is to observe things as they really are, to observe the true nature of something and for “that something” it is US. J  When we observe things through any of our 6 senses (sight, touch, taste, smell, hearing, mind), we don’t see the full truth, we just see our own perception of the truth, based on a history we have with something through our senses.  The only way to fully observe our true nature and complete truth is through the framework of our own body because we eliminate perception.  With our eyes closed, we sit, some more, and observe whatever sensations we may be feeling.  Sometimes our mind is still too gross that we only feel gross sensations, like the breeze on our skin, or the shirt covering our arm but as you get more and more subtle, you start to feel… other things.  It’s not a feeling that you get from touching something, it’s a feeling that is deeper than that.  It’s hard to explain, but after 3 ½ days of anapana, most start to feel these subtle sensations and that last day of anapana is focusing on just those, above the upper lip.  You may feel a pain, tickle, prickle, itch, cold, heat, sweat, throbbing (shit… I’m starting to sound like him). Basically, there are almost infinite types of sensations you may feel but you just observe them, again, with no commentary, no judgment and no visualization.  The first time I felt these sensations I opened my eyes, looked at the girl to my left (no no… no looky!), who is now a dear friend, and we both gave each other the “HOLY FUCK WTF WAS THAT?!?!” look.

You start from the top of your head and then work your way down through every part of your body to your toes and you just observe whatever sensations are there.  THE POINT IS NOT THE SENSATIONS, the point is to remain balanced and “equanimous” through whatever sensation you are feeling, whether it be “pleasant” or “unpleasant.”  The reason we should remain balanced is because the sensations are impermanent, even if you are sitting during one of the hour group meditations and it feels like you have a knife being run up and down your IT band, you’re not supposed to feel angry, frustrated or deflated that you’re sitting in pain, you just remain balanced because, while it feels it may last forever, it goes away… EVERYTHING GOES AWAY.  You don’t get super elated at the pleasant sensations because they go away, you can be happy they are there but don’t be sad when they leave.  This is REALLY hard to do, especially during the painful moments.  I have gotten to a point where I’m happy with the pleasant because they are just that AND I’m happy with the agonizing pain because that means I’m working on getting rid of old shit.

You can feel what sort of misery we put ourselves through though.  If you’re sitting there in pain and agonizing over it, it feels like absolute torture, those minutes feel like HOURS!  The more you are equanimous the easier it is… such a metaphor for life!!  It’s funny, on day 6 you look around and the contraptions people have made of their meditation mats with pillows, cushions and backrests is comedy and I giggle, now.  You see how much people try to change their surroundings to deal with the pain they feel inside and they try to run from it, I certainly did in my first course.  I thought I was living in a self-inflicted hell and I had SO much going on around my meditation spot.  At some point, I realized, “pain, is unavoidable, it’s inevitable, it’s GOING TO HAPPEN.  Even if I lift my knee a few inches, the pain will just be referred to my back, or somewhere else on my body.  I can’t run from it… I MUST GO THROUGH IT!”  Now, I sit with just my main cushion and standard butt lift but I do have one extra cushion I use under my right knee because my pelvis is twisted to the right, causing extra pressure so I try to alleviate that a bit… I’m apparently not ready to give that one up yet. ;)  The more you practice the more you feel the pain dissolve and the more you even focus on the pain, observing it in it’s finest detail, the quicker it goes away too.  There was a point when I realized the pain is ALWAYS there, just the more balanced we are, the more subtle our mind gets and it goes UNDER the pain.  Sometimes, it’s just pain though.  I will say that during the 3, 1 hour group sittings, where we aren’t supposed to move AT ALL, except to straighten our spine if it’s fallen forward) have been some of the most excruciating pain I’ve ever experienced in my life and I’m well versed in the art of pain.  I was a cutter for about ½ a decade AND I’ve been a competitive rower and have pushed my body to such limits that my muscles have failed and I’ve blacked out.  Now that I’ve done this, I’m REALLY curious how my 2k pieces would go on that devil of a rowing machine, THE ERG.

Now, some people have injuries and things which really don’t allow them to sit on the ground and there are options for sitting in chairs, using a back rest, going against the wall, extra cushions and things but really, with S.N. Goenka Vipassana, pain is involved.  Some centers/teachers are really strict and you can’t use extra anything unless you are legitimately injured but I’ve only heard of that in Kathmandu.  You don’t have to sit in lotus either, some guy recently said that’s why he won’t do a course.  You sit however you want!  I will not try to sugar coat it BUT that being said, one girl in my course in Thailand felt no pain, which I found odd of her to say considering how much she moved behind me and usually people only move if they have pain.  *I* on the other hand have felt everything.  I have felt like a mass of bubbles floating in the air where I thought I could speak telepathically it was so unreal, to feeling like I was sitting on the eternal flame while sporks were being used to try to pry my patellas off my knees and my blood was going to ignite into flames while I poured sweat out of every pore and tears streamed down my face.  Through both of those moments, the goal is NOT the sensations but being balanced.  The more you’re balanced, the more the gross sensations dissolve.

The feelings you have can come from 1 of 3 places, the atmosphere around you, the way you’re sitting, or from your past habits and reactions, manifesting themselves in bodily sensations.  This practice cuts your habits at the root!  It doesn’t intellectualize it and you never really quite understand what it’s doing but it does it!  I have no idea how it works but it does!  Goenka compares it to laundry detergent… you don’t know the active ingredients and how they interact with each other and stains for them to get the dirt out, but you use it and know that it works and that’s all you care about.  That’s how we should view Vipassana… at least in the beginning… the intellectual part is not what’s important, it’s the practice and the experience!  He does say, “the theory should follow the practice” and I haven’t done a Sittipitana or any of the longer courses so I’m not sure how much more he feeds to the intellect. The gross and painful sensations are your past aversions, let’s say anger, jealously, hatred, etc., and your pleasant sensations are your cravings, like desire, passion, greed… while you remain balanced through them all, you slowly but surely start to eliminate your aversions and your cravings.  You come to understand that it’s not the alcohol you craved but the sensation you got while drinking it.  It’s not that you REALLY want the iPhone5, it’s the sensation you get when you first put it in your hand… both of those sensations incredibly fleeting and impermanent and then we try to find something else that will make us feel that sensation when it’s gone.

Fears

There are lots of fears but one I want to cover, because my now former lady friend was concerned w/ it and I was starting to be to is... "is this going to turn me into an emotionless vipassana zombie?  All the 'remain equanimous' sounds numbing."  The point is not to get rid of joy or happiness, it's to HAVE joy and happiness when things are good but to know that, inherently, that will change, because it always does and when it does to not lose the joy and happiness.  I've experienced nothing but extended happiness and joy since I've started practicing and while I thought I'd have less compassion for the pain of others, I have it, but I also know that it's their pain and not mine and they have to go through it and I'm more apt to help knowing that.  You don't become cold, you don't become heartless or unemotive... you show emotion, feel emotion but know all of it passes so you just roll gently through the waves of the ups and downs in life instead of fight to stay on top of a wave that is inevitably going to dip to a low.  The waves get smaller the more you practice and when it's flat, that doesn't mean you're a zombie, it means you're in a perpetual state of balanced happiness.  To experience the highs you must experience the lows... this is the practice of moving to non-duality.  There is no good or bad, no pain nor pleasure, there just is...  The last thing I feel like at this moment is a zombie.  I'd rather hug the entire world than try to eat it.

Wrap Up

God… those 12 pages went REALLY fast!  There is SO much to say about this experience, this course but really, go… just… GO!  You can't know it unless you experience it, no matter how many words or amazing metaphors I use.  I know in the US we have such limited vacation time but the 10 (really 12 and you should REALLY take a few days to decompress afterwards, so 14) days you spend to dig deep inside yourself will do more for your life than sitting on the beach sippin pina colada’s.  We run and run and run but from what… we only run from ourselves and once you realize that and that YOU are the only person on this planet making yourself miserable but that YOU are also the only person who can save you from that, it’s the most empowering realization you can have.   You don’t have to rely on a single soul but your own being to make you happy and take you out of a vicious cycle of yuck.

All this said, and Goenka says this as well, one course will not cure you of all that ails you… OR maybe it will, but the chances are slim.  This is a practice that needs consistency, it takes work, and time but if you do the work and spend the time to do the practice and PROPERLY, you’ll do nothing but reap the rewards.  Am I perfect now after doing 4 of these?  Not a chance?  Do I still get pissed?  Do I still make up crazy shit in my head that makes me sad or angry?  Do I still have unhealthy and ugly reactions?  Do I still have down days?  Can I still be mean?  Can I still be a judgmental turd? Absolutely, to all of that!  Do I do all of it with less intensity and less frequency,  more awareness and more immediate action to rectify my mess ups? You bet and THAT’s where you start to enjoy the changes in your life.  

When I went back to Seattle after my first course, I saw how easy it was to slip back into bad habits and unhealthy behavior and I’m SO THANKFUL I had such a beautiful, yet disastrous trip home because it made me realize how important this stuff is to me and how much I WANT IT IN MY LIFE and how easy it is to take it for granted to not follow.  I won’t let that happen again… my mental and emotional health is too important for me to let myself slip again.  This shit is magic… magic that takes A LOT of work that only *I* can do, and that’s the beauty of it all… *I* have the complete power to change my life around and make myself the best person I can!

If anyone has any questions, feel free to post and I’ll do my best.  I don’t consider myself an authority, by any stretch, but I have some experience to pull from.

Bhavatu Sabba Mangalam.  Aka: may all beings be happy, bitches! ;) 

Xxxo

Dirty

P.S.  If you are interested in a course, GO GO GO!!!  It’s worth it, and it’s donation based too… did I mention that? ;)  www.dhamma.org

Day in the Himalayan Life - Pt2

I’ve been feeling the itch to write lately and capture what the experience of coming home for a visit, post my India experiences, has been like.  Btw, I came home.  After Vipassana all I wanted to do was see my best friends and my family so days after I exited that hellacious piece of heaven/hell on earth in my enlightened state, I booked a visit home, this time the ticket was round trip.  I realized I had a part 2 of what was supposed to a many part series about my incredible daily life in McLeod but well, it ended with part two, which I have yet to post, until now.  Instead of completing this series, which the concept will be resurrected upon my return to SE Asia, I will just capture the things I’ve missed terribly since I’ve left.

I  miss all the amazing people I met, whom I know many of us will reconnect in the future, I miss listening to screaming eagles while hovering in Chatturanga, the sun penetrating the wall of windows in Yogi Shivadas’ studio or the torrential rains pounding on the ceiling.  I miss Shivadas calling me out on things and pegging my issues to a tee, I miss the random and sketchy looking routes to get to ANY yoga studio in McLeod or Dharamkot, which means I kind of even miss Jonathan the crazy Israeli tantric yoga teacher who told me to drink my own menstrual blood and that of my now no longer lady friends.  I miss my post yoga dates with Brittney and sitting on an open area, usually tarp covered roof watching the screaming eagles and eating our eggs and Tibetan brown bread or our fruit, muslei and curd.  Sometimes I miss Marina and her pounding on my door moments after I set foot in my room after a long day out.  I miss Mohan screaming, “MAAADAAAAAMMM“ and finally in the last few weeks I was there “JEEESSSSIIIIIIII” whenever he needed to talk to me and I miss the giggle and shy smile of his wife Beetu and her lil round preggers belly.  I miss the boys at Sanji’s always flipping me shit, the brothers Raan, Sanjay and their friends Ravi and Dinesh.  I miss my talks with Mohan’s brother Rinku and their helper during the busy season, Lama, about life in India.  I miss random adventures with Brittney and anyone else we met along the way, lounging days away “reading” in any one of our favorite cafes.  I miss my solo days where I’d park my ass on my balcony and stare out at the hillside while eating, reading, writing or doing yoga.  I miss my daily yoga lessons with DK from Lhamo’s and hearing about his stories of the life of Tibetans or the movie night they had EVERY night at 7pm in their café.  I miss the random guest house owner, Vikram, who would greet me each morning on my way down the hill to my yoga class as he’d tell me if I was early or late that given morning.  I miss passing the man and woman right by the steps playing Marabaraba (no idea what they call it in India) for hours on end.  I miss dodging cows, motor rickshaws and weaving in and out of the traffic mayhem that is India.  I miss living in the storms!  Oh MY GOD do I miss the storms!  I miss watching them roll in, roll through, the pounding on the roof, dodging the puddles of ick they created on the streets, the thunder that would shake my entire guest house ALL night, the lightening that would wake me in the middle of the night by igniting my room in incessant flashes.  I miss going to Tushita for Buddhist movie days, chai, chatting w/ Renchin the monk from Hawaii, morning meditations and workshops.  I miss going to Vipassana and then planning out a day w/ Marina afterwards.  I MISS THE FOOD! I miss the “shanti shanti” life style and attitude, which also means, India Time.  I miss the real true street food.  I miss hearing any one of the dozens of Shiva temple bells getting rung at any time of the day or waking to the sound of Buddhist chanting echoing across the hills.  I miss the sights, sounds (even the fucking ridiculous horn honking), smells and energy of the entire place.  I miss looking at the swirly trees that were sporadically located between all the gigantic evergreen trees.  I miss my Big Gay Umbrella and actually getting to use it without getting glared at because of its size.  I miss the Dalai Lama and you know what else I miss… the fucking MONKEYS! (FORESHADOWING)

Anyway, without any further ado, here is part 2 of what ended up only being 2 parts of Day in the Himalayan Life.

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Taking in one last breath of sun I bounce out of my balcony chair, throw on some yoga clothes, toss my mat into my backpack, make sure I have my antibacterial soap and cream for my fully exposed, fresh ¼ sleeve tattoo, slip into my flip flops, grab my 3^rd arm, which I have lovingly named “My Big Gay Umbrella,” which doubles as a walking stick during the non-torrential parts of the day, and head out for my walk/hike down to McLeod Ganj.  The path from my guesthouse to the main corner that houses the Himalayan Tea Shop, Tushita and Vipassana is relatively flat and mixed with paved parts, small pebbles and sand and big rock chunks, not unlike most other streets in the area.  Two routes will take you to McLeod Ganj, one driven by taxis, motorbikes and rickshaws; although, not at this early hour of 7:30am and the other path is known as the “shortcut” that passes along the backside of Tushita and is more of a hike than a walk.  Its descent is quick, steep and predominately nothing but rock.  A majority of the path looks like someone spent a month going up and down the mountain with a jackhammer, destroying the shit out of the road, and left all the remnants as a perpetual obstacle for the journey between McLeod and Dharamkot.  This is when I learned I’m amazing in a pair of flip flops and decided my Reefs are going everywhere in the world with me.  They handle this crazy bit of terrain like the champs they were born to be.  They’ve taken me through 4 continents, endured showers with leeches, vineyard strolls, mountain hikes, spa days, yoga outings and trudged through flooded roads of cow shit and sludge.  I feel like I should write a song about them but that would just be silly.  Understandably, this road is not taken by anything motorized, or anything not on foot, to be more specific.  It’s a beautiful path, lined with massive evergreen trees on both sides, it smells fresh, until you get closer to McLeod or pass a freshly dumped cow pie, and due to the surroundings, the incline and the condition of the path, I’d classify this more in the category of “hike” versus a “walk.” 

McLeod Ganj is like Seattle on a sunny day, especially after months of absolutely ridiculous torrential downpour from the skies.  The rain here is like nothing I’ve ever seen, in quantity, ferociousness and frequency.  It’s no wonder the poorly engineered roads look like they are going to slip out from under you with just the weight of your foot step, or a massive rock will dislodge from above and tumble your direction as you cross its path.  When the skies part and the sun shines, people are all smiles and friendly.  I have taken to hauling ass down the mountain in the mornings, since I’ve already spent considerable time strolling, gazing at my surroundings and absorbing everything around me.  Now, haul balls is the name of the game, unless I have a chance encounter with a lovely stranger, which, because I apparently can’t stop socializing, is often.  One morning a wonderful Tibetan man, whose name I still don’t know, who works at a guest house at the bottom of the hill, was on his way back from his early morning walk with his dog up to the top of the hill, showed me a marvelous short cut that allowed me to bypass the massive garbage can around the bend and down the hill. You know who likes garbage cans?  MONKEYS!  You know who doesn’t like me?  MONKEYS!  I will say, since my encounter with that beast in Rishikesh (see Mission, Monkeys and Motorbikes – OH MY!), and after a few weeks of automatically chanting the Saturn mantra Sanjay’s guru gave me as I approached a pack, I’ve eased a bit in their presence and I don’t think I’m giving off the stench of utter terror and fear.  I think it also helped that during Vipassana, I would take it upon myself to lead all the women to either the Dhamma Hall or cafeteria, because those are the only places we went, putting myself in harm’s way first of any monkey shenanigans, because I am up to date on my shots, thanks to Rishikesh.  The Vipassana retreat center in Dharamsala is like a playground for those things and one day a girl from San Francisco and I were essentially locked into the outdoor bathroom area because an entire family, or more of monkeys, were surrounding us.  As they came closer, we’d both run into whatever was nearest that had a door we could slam and lock.  I chose the bathroom, with the toilet EVERYONE tinkled on (so annoying!) and she, one of the showers, which probably had a disgusting leech on the darkened concrete, lifting its grotesque head sniffing for flesh to suckle.  Fifteen minutes we stood there, waiting for our chance to escape and keep in mind, we can’t talk and technically we’re supposed to have “Noble Silence,” which means also no gestures or eye contact but this was a different kind of situation and silent communication was a must for our survival.  I may be exaggerating, slightly.  Finally, Dimple, a woman from Bangalore, frantically waved her umbrella in the air as a signal we were in the clear and we managed to scurry off to our rooms, unscathed.  I feel like I could write a book about my monkey experiences in India.

Back to my lovely jaunt down the hill. I round the bend that passes the lower entrance to Tushita, by one of the Buddhist temples they walk circles around chanting mantras and playing with their prayer beads, and I hear a noise from the trees, I think.  I’m alone, which is not uncommon, and there is always some weird noise in this area that I haven’t been able to identify so I just keep walking, with heightened alertness  and a firmer grip around my Big Gay Umbrella that has a metal point.  I’ve determined that in time of need the Big Gay will be my life saver and allow me to stab a bitch in the gut through the heart or in the eye.  I told this plan to my mom on the phone once after she told me, “be safe girl,” and she suggested, “I think you should go for the eye.  Then you don’t have to contend with a rib cage.”  Thank you mom for the wonderful advice.  With a firm grip I look ahead and down to see if there are any newer obstacles in my path this day.  This is the point where the road is somewhat paved but the retaining wall of filled old metal containers is ahead and effective they are not, so the road is crumbling to bits around that piece of engineering genius.  As I peer up I catch the glimpse of an adolescent monkey running and jumping through the brush, swinging from a low hanging branch, landing on the ground and all of a sudden, I see a few more join it on the right side of the path.  I’m calm, cool, collected, not even chanting my mantra at this point and I’m feeling pretty a-okay.  All of a sudden, from the left, I hear similar noises and while looking down but carefully lifting my gaze I spot about 15-20 more monkeys of all ages.  At this point, the lil guy on the left, who I thought was alone, had crossed the path but left behind him another 20 monkeys.  I’m fucking SURROUNDED!  

Usually when I come to a group of monkeys they are all chilling by the garbage can, noshing on only god knows what and pay no mind to me, as long as I’m not oozing nervousness and anxiety.  I thought maybe they’d stop as I was walking, listening to Ratatat from my phone that’s shoved into the water bottle compartment of my backpack, but no, they are going the same direction as I.  I have baby monkeys walking within a foot of me on either side, almost in an accompanying fashion, older monkeys are frolicking (do monkeys frolic?) in and out of the trees to my right and on the left they are just running along the side of the cliff, some are crossing right in my path, making me weave a little from side to side like a hopeless drunk at this early hour.  I keep my pace even, as to not disturb the flow we’ve all created because I honestly don’t think I’d survive a monkey attack of 50+ strong, and there is not a person in sight.  The brief detachment from civilization in the woods is coming to an end and I see the patch of homes and guest houses on the left.  Water spews from some of the exposed piping that’s stacked in mass, soaking the left side of the road and this is India, you have NO idea where this stuff comes from or more importantly, what’s in it.  I try as I may to avoid getting “India” on me because who knows what will grow from the tainted spot once “India” has touched my skin, or what will fall off my body due to infection.  On the right the road becomes unmanageable in flip flops, or at least very difficult but there is a nice clear, yet small patch of pavement running down the middle of the path.  Even with the spots I like to avoid, there is maybe only 2-3 feet of each unpleasant situation on either side of the nice patch of pavement. Under normal circumstances, this is not problem but today it’s proving not only difficult, but impossible as I carefully keep my head down but gaze up and see the patch of hairy chest on a really big fucking beastly monkey plopped right in the middle of the road, parked on my landing strip of pavement.  “Fuck fuck fuck!” I silently utter to myself.  So that lack of fear I felt on this rather surreal trip down the mountain came to a jilted halt.  I’m all of a sudden, very cognizant of my breath and more importantly, controlling it. Breathing slowly to regulate my heart beat I, even more, carefully look at the monkey’s face, making sure to not make eye contact, to size up the situation I’ve encountered.  He’s just staring at me, not moving, I’m not moving, none of the monkeys around us are moving anymore, and life freezes, for how long, I have no idea.  Five feet from what seems to be the leader of this pack I stand as nonchalantly as possible, even go so far to place a hand on my hip, look up at the sky and pretend I don’t see this creature and that I’m totally unmoved by his power play, because, that’s what he’s doing that monster bastard of a mammal!  I fight the urge to whistle a little tune of nothingness, which I’m sure would send all 82,384,732 monkeys in my direction, teeth bared, arms flailing and screeches capable of draining my ear drums of blood.  I carefully, and briefly, look at his face again and he’s still just staring at me, not showing teeth or hissing like the one who attacked me in Rishikesh, but instead, smiles mockingly at me.  Maybe I dreamt it, or maybe I’m just being a dramatic Leo, but I swear he was flipping me shit with his eyes and a smirk.  I wait, patiently, maybe for 30 seconds, maybe for a few minutes and all of a sudden I hear small movements in surround.  A few of the little monkeys latch onto their moms and as I’ve been deemed nonthreatening, the big bastard saunters into the brush on the right side, allowing me to pass.  At this juncture, the monkeys stay put and carry on about whatever business it is monkeys carry on with?  I’d say they are on a mission to terrorize humans but that would be inaccurate in McLeod, thank god.  The red monkeys here are actually a bit more docile and just want to eat the remnants of food off the ground, rather than steal bags of whatever goodness you may have in your hands.  If I was still in Rishikesh though, terror, trouble and shenanigans are all those damn red assed monkeys are about and I have the faint scars of wisdom to prove it.  

Until the adventures continue and I need to decompress from my visit home,

xxxo

DIRTY!

Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo Day 2 - Enlightenment or BUST!

These are the notes I took from day 2 of her teachings at Tushita Meditation Center in Dharamsala, India

July 29, 2011

Morning session

Observing the Mind

• Even though thoughts are intangible, they rule our lives
• We dress our sense of “I” in memories and cloth it in labels based on what we think we know about ourselves but the Buddha says this is the biggest delusion and it’s all because of our mind
• We do not exist the way we think we exist, we are not who we think we are, we identify with all the wrong things
• The problem is we believe our mind so we then cling to our ideas and don’t question what we think, feel, believe
• It’s not about finding out who you are, it’s about finding out who you are not
• The essence of meditation practice is to observe the mind at all times and what is observing the mind is not the conceptual mind, eventually meditation will move from the non-conceptual mind to the heart.  Allow ideas, emotions and thoughts to come and then dissolve with no attachment or identification to them – Jetsunma lived with a yogi who suggested to really observe the happenings in the mind 3x every hour to become aware.

Empathetic Joy

• Joy in the happiness of others and is the total opposite of jealousy and envy
• We rejoice in others happiness, which then doubles the happiness felt!
• We should be happy when others do good things, are striving for happiness or receive happiness
• Rejoice in your heart with no concern for yourself
• So many people focus on the pain/suffering they or others are feeling/experiencing but they feel that if they open their heart to taking on anymore suffering, it will be too overwhelming.  Empathetic joy and focusing on what good is happening and rejoicing in others happiness will combat that feeling.  There is a lot of good and beauty in this world and it’s important to focus on this.
• 4 Right Efforts:
• Eradicate any negative things in our mind stream and uproot or transform them
• Prevent negative things from happening in the future
• Cultivate and recognize the good things we have in our mind stream
• Bring more of the good things in the future
• All our efforts are to bring us back to where we never left, to our true nature
• The negative feelings/qualities are fleeting and not inherent, we are all pure and perfect by nature
• 3 Kinds of Laziness:
• Gross
• “I can’t do it”
• We keep ourselves so busy with good things that we never step back to work on ourselves – a way to avoid dealing with ourselves
• Like with all other practices, must start with ourselves first.  Be happy and appreciative of all the good influences in your life and recognize and be happy about the goodness in you.

Afternoon Session

• 2 main obstacles keeping us from a balanced mind (where the subject and object are one)
• Agitation – we try to focus and mind has a different idea where it wants to go
• To alleviate agitation, keep sessions short and firm
• It’s scary to realize how little control over the thing that rules our life the most
• The main problem in this world is we are not the masters of our own mind
• If we had loud speakers attached to our minds, wouldn’t we all want to meditate to help calm the mind and regain control of it?
• We try to do too much
• If you do anything with a distracted mind, it won’t work
• Give something simple to start to focus with, like the breath
• If mind is agitated, look at a nice landscape, eat heavier foods, keep warm
• Sinking – This is the dangerous one.  We feel relaxed but our mind is unclear and not alert so people mistake it for deeper levels of meditation but it’s not
• Goal is a mind that is quiet, peaceful, relaxed, spacious, totally vivid and bright
• If you have a sinking mind, sit up straighter, keep yourself cooler

2 mental factors

1 – mindfulness – 1 pointedness

2 – introspection – spies on the mindfulness to see how it’s doing and makes sure meditation is balanced

Impartiality

• All beings should receive our love and kindness, not just certain beings.  Apart from attachment of those near and dear and apart from animosity for those not within our circle
• Feel neither strong like/dislike for those we love/hate
• Not indifference, it’s even mindedness
• Recognize that all beings want to be happy
• Know everything people do is to make them happy.  It doesn’t mean we need to let people get away with everything bcs that may not be compassionate bcs it may cause themselves or others harm.
• Compassion isn’t always sweet and sometimes it can be rawful, it’s the intention that counts

Panic at the Disco

Is it funny that everyone in Seattle is actually counting the minutes of summer felt thus far this year and I’m chilling on my patio, immersed in thick fog rolling in and out of the hillside, it’s been pouring rain all day and I’m totally loving every bit of this?  I actually bought my first umbrella today for the first time in… uh… I don’t even know when.  It’s huge and it’s rainbow and I call it my “Big Gay Umbrella.”  Creative name isn’t it and I love it.

I’ve been in Dharamkot for 5 days and it’s been quite the experience thus far and I may be understating the fact that I love it.  Now, Dharamsala is the main town, which is about 11km from where I am on the hillside.  It’s where most of the locals live, there is the hospital, the big bank and where all business takes place.  This is not where I am.  Up what I’m assuming is a very steep hill (I don’t remember because I was passed out until we arrived), is McLeod Ganj, which is where the hub of this area rests.  It’s touristy as fuck!  The square where the roads to Dharamkot, Bhagsu and Dharamsala meet, is cluttered with the hustle and bustle of shops, restaurants, western unions, travel agents, bodegas and tourists, EVERYWHERE, tourists!  Don’t get me wrong, we are in exiled Tibetan capital of the world and there is definitely a sighting of maroon draped robes over shaven headed bodies but it’s not as prevalent as I thought it would be.  When we got here, the Dalai Lama, who resides here in Tsuglagkhang Buddhit Temple in McLeod Ganj, was visiting with Obama in the US but during my incredibly horrific hangover on Wednesday, he arrived back in Dharamsala and Aishwarya got to see him from his vehicle as he returned.  I also learned last night he will be giving a 3 day teaching seminar at the end of August/beg of September, just days after Cat and I finish our Vipasana retreat and I’m currently figuring out how to pay the group sponsoring his teaching so I can attend.  If that’s not an amazing bucket item list to cross off, I don’t know what is!  The area is catered heavily to all the people who come to begin their multi-day treks in the Himalayas so there are tons of shops with knock off North Face apparel and all the usual jewelry stores and Tibetan fabric shops.  I will say, the lack of cows and therefore, cow shit, is a nice change of pace and I don’t seem to get almost run over with every second that passes I try to walk from place to place but there are nightly dog fights outside our guest house. 

Just off the square is the road up to Dharamkot and as you ascend you can see all the buildings below draped with Buddhist prayer flags across the hillside.  The road is very narrow and for the most part, is in ruins with only a little bit of it paved and the rest is huge pot holes with exposed rock and massive chunks taken out of the path.  Along one side of the street is a mess of pipes clustered together that I’m going to assume are water pipes and they run almost the entire length of the road coming from Dharamkot.  I’ve only been down this road a few times, because as I’ve stated, I can’t stand being in shop riddled touristy places, but each time I have and take a tuktuk up the road, I’m in utter shock that it makes it up the hill.  These holes in the road must be as big as some of these things that trudge up the hill in the lowest gear possible.  The buildings in the area are all colorful, ranging from light to bright pinks, greens, yellow, blue and they are all scattered across the hillside.  As you come into Dharamkot there are 2 small roads that take you to 2 of the main parts of the town.  I have only ventured down one, the one we’re staying on. I know, I know, I need to get out more!  The street is lined with guest houses and cafés of various sorts, all serving the usual flair of Indian cuisine, Israeli, Chinese, Tibetan, Italian and of course, there has to be a tattoo parlor.  I will say, I ventured in one day to figure out what the fuck to do with these things on my back that are seeming to have no story behind them and while I won’t get the work finished here, I now have a solid vision that will properly capture the story of my past and mix with the story of my present.  Tats are not much cheaper here than in the US so I’m in no rush.

I took a few days off from writing this blog post, originally started on the 23^rd, because whilst sitting in Sanji’s Milkyway, one of our regular spots and adjacent to our guest house, it got insanely packed with hippie Israeli’s and they hot boxed the place with hash and I, needless to say, totally lost my focus on writing.  I’m currently sitting on the outside patio of the Krishna Café, which has AMAZING Tibetan momo’s, well I think anyway, I only have one other place to compare them with, and rain is trickling from the sky, clouds are sweeping in and out of the hillside and it’s just beautiful.  This place is quiet and I never see more than a few people here, since it’s up the hill a bit and away from a majority of the fan fare, which is where I’m staying.  Jade and I managed, or I should really say Jade managed, to find a really great location for us to stay.  As with all accommodations on this trip, it’s simple, a big firm foamed bed, a plastic chair, a small book shelf and a bathroom with HOT WATER!  I think I already mentioned that but I feel it necessary to mention again.  Now that I’m in a location where not all my food/accommodations are already paid I’ve decided to actually, for the first time in my life, live on a budget, which I’m allotting myself 500INR a day, which is roughly $11 a day for food and housing.  $11 a day people!  I’m living comfortably, although not luxuriously, and eating very well and that includes countless chai that I can’t seem to get enough of.  This expense I’m putting on top of whatever already planned yoga course/workshop I’ve opted to attend.

Speaking of yoga, I have taken a liking to the Iyengar course and after our first 5 days of the beginner session is complete, I’m excited to see what the next week brings.  Gabby and her friend Jonathan decided to opt out of the trek with a bunch of our other friends in Kashmir, for various reasons, and stay with us and Aishwaraya, so it’s been a yoga filled fun time with good friends.  In order to do ANYTHING else at this Iyengar facility, started by one of B.K.S. Iyengar’s long time students, you have to complete 3 5 day “beginner” courses.  Aside from the fact the sub teacher (Sharat is away teaching in Europe) had us doing 35 bow poses on the 3^rd day, I’d say beginner is quite accurate.  I’ve taken some Iyengar classes in the states and I’m going to venture to say, none of them were true Iyengar, unless you count just whipping out the use of a strap is Iyengar.  The focus on alignment is pretty intense, especially w/ the feet and extending the toes, although I hear in weeks 2 and 3 will be even more so, the poses are held for at the very least a minute, some 25 minutes, and yes, props galore are used.  We have this cute eastern European teacher, who I don’t even think told us her name. The participants were all pretty low key, excluding one creeper dude from the US who looks like he’s been to one too many Burning Man’s and is on a mission to hit on every woman in sight and these 4 older Russian woman, who not only don’t speak a lick of English but don’t pay attention to the demonstrations in class, don’t try to really do anything properly, even after one of the students translates for them, leave their cell phones on and talk incessantly.  I’m looking forward to them moving on to other things next week. J  Now for those who know me know I LOVE vigorous ANYTYHING, rowing, running, sex, yoga, drinking, inappropriate talk… you name it.  Iyengar is the complete opposite of rigorous BUT the focus I’ve been able to have on a single pose is phenomenal, I found I’ve been fucking up my triangle pose all these years AND I’ve already noticed insane increases in certain forms of flexibility with just the 5, 3hr days.  We get through *maybe* 7 poses in the course of those 3 hours and after my personal practice this morning, I did find where we’ve missed some spots and where poses lack in the series they teach.  I’ve learned quite a bit though but I’m still tossed up though on whether I want to actually dive into a 3 week intensive but I’m going to see what the universe has in store for me with that.  They have only 4 spots left and on Aug 16 I go into Vipasana meditation with Cat and at the end of that, Sarah and I find out if we’re one of the top 5 to be selected for a travel blogging position in Japan that would take me to Japan by way of Bangkok Sept 15.  I’m in no rush to try to register though and have tons of other options of things to do and I can always do another intensive at another time if I desire.  I did get my first sucking by a leech on the walk to the Himalayan Institute on my birthday, that was rad… or NOT!

The Vipasana center is right up the street from where I’m staying, which I’m getting both nervous and excited for, but right next to it is a Buddhist Meditation Center called Tushita and they have a number of activities always going like morning guided meditations, movies twice a week, guest speakers and what not, that you can attend anything by donation.  I’ve already seen 2 movies and after the last one, “Discovering Buddhism: Transforming Problems,” our group of friends had a really nice discussion with a monk afterwards on thoughts/questions it triggered, things we wanted clarification and then between us, we did a comparison with yogic/hindi philosophy/teachings.  I will say, I’m open to learn more about Buddhism but so far, I really enjoy the positivity surrounding yoga and the message of both are the same but Buddhism focuses so much on “suffering” that it’s not really resonating with me. I like thinking I am you and you are me and we’re all the same in the state of universal consciousness, we are not our bodies, our mind or our emotions, we are much deeper and much more connected than that.  It’s beautiful, this yoga stuff. J  This Thursday/Friday a Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo will be speaking and we will all be attending the second session after yoga. So many learning opportunities here it’s CRAZY!

My 31^st birthday went off with little fan fare, much unlike every other year in my adulthood.  We had plans to go on an adventure drive with Sanji, the guy who owns the café we frequent, but people got sick, people bailed and then, in a rush of Israeli trekkers, he was so swamped he couldn’t step away like he wanted.  It was 3pm and I saw my day disappearing into my room on the internet, just as so many other days and I was a moping mess.  Little did I know the wonderful surprises my new wonderful friends from Yog Peeth planned.  Prior to dinner they dragged me into Jade’s room and handed me a plate, filled with HobNobs covered in Nutella, bananas and candles!  They sang a very surprised me happy birthday and I already felt like a schmuck for being such a soggy brat all day.  We walked to the Krishna Café, where I’m typing now, and had a wonderful dinner and then they presented me w/ a sapphire necklace that an astrologer said would do all the necessary work needed!  Gabby made the knotted holder for the sapphire and jonathan made the necklace part.  It was so very sweet and thoughtful and I was shocked!  When I spoke to Sanjay’s guru he stated I’m going through some very hard times right now, which is true, I guess, but also not.  I asked about my reactionary attachment/detachment issues, I’m assuming fueled by an early abandonment by a one of the parents, and he stated I would need to buy a 7ct dark sapphire and wear it as a silver ring on my right ring finger.  Wow, thanks guru for telling me to buy a stone just shy in lavishness and expense of a diamond!  So the thoughtfulness behind the gift Gabby, Jade, Jonathan and Aishwaraya gave me was so wonderful my thanks couldn’t be put to words.  Gabby gave it to me and said, “now you don’t have to spend $15k on a sapphire or chant the Saturn mantra forever!” J So my birthday evening was rather wonderful and I learned I still need to work on holding onto expectations of “plans,” well, of everything really.  I’ve gotten pretty good at being flexible but you know, I always make a big deal of my birthday so when nothing happens, this Leo is not a happy camper but I really need to chill and enjoy what I’m doing at that very moment and understand whatever is happening is exactly as it’s supposed to happen. 

Yesterday I decided to get a post birthday massage at The Sanctuary across the street and a very attractive, calm mannered man named Anand is the aryuvedic/thai massage therapist, as well as yoga teacher, and he gave me what could potentially be the weirdest and I think most wonderfully amazing massage ever?  I’m not sure exactly how I feel about it but I will say, if I choose to actually schedule another one with him, I will feel like I’m knowingly hiring someone for 3 hours of foreplay, which I don’t do.  One time, it was a nice… I guess, surprise but a second time, I don’t think so.  Very little wasn’t covered and it wasn’t awkward at all but yeah, like I said, I’m still tossed up on how I feel about the experience. I will say I need to find a lover who knows how to massage like that though!  Jeez!

Today has been a mix of weird and off – I had night terrors about my family and another thing the guru told me a week ago, woke me from my sleep – “you are currently being betrayed by a loved one.”  That didn’t rattle me at all until my subconscious decided it wanted to freak out in the middle of the night last night.  I also had a REALLY weird release during Chakrasana where my entire front body felt this intense crazy tingly sensation.  We went to meditation and while waiting for breakfast I started feeling this terrible dread and knew, from past experience, I was on the verge of a panic attack.  It didn’t help that I was starving and all I had ingested was chai but I knew I had to jet.  I ate as quickly as possible, headed up to my room and almost burst into tears for only god knows what reason.  I used to be plagued by those a few years ago but I honestly can’t remember the last time I had one and it terrified me.  I don’t know if it’s the insane energy of being in a city filled with devout Buddhists and exiled Tibetans, all that I’m learning, all the transformations of my body and mind or really, just all of it compounded, but I needed to take a step back and just chill today.  James is my savior and helped talk me out of it by reading me headlines from US Weekly and telling me about all the wonderful things he’s doing at home and adventures he has planned.  I love him!  I had my worst one about 10 years ago (omg, 10 years ago?!) and he sat with me the entire night and helped pull me from wherever my non-physical being had gone.  I realized I hadn’t had a day to myself, really to myself, since a few weeks before I left Seattle so on his recommendation, I’m having a “Seattle Jess” day in India.  I read for a majority of it and now, I’m at a café, reading and writing, eating delicious food and sipping chai, exactly as I would do at home.  It’s wonderful and melding the life of Seattle me and India me will need to be essential to me not going crazy while I’m experiencing so much.  My almost break down today is what is making me slightly nervous for Vipasana but that’s why I came here, to dig into my deepest self and figure out who I really am and tackle all that ails and come out a better person for me and for everyone around me.  Let the real adventures begin!

The sun is peaking out for the first time since I’ve been here (although I hear it made a cameo yesterday while I was getting sensually manhandled) so I’m going to sit and stare at the view for awhile, sip my lemon, honey, ginger tea and nibble on some veggie pakora… until later…

Xxo,

Dirty

Lady Xanax - Adventures in India Travel

Written immediately after arriving in Dharamkot

19, July 2011

I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a seasoned traveler, especially if you compare me to a majority of the people I’ve met during my visits to various continents but I’m definitely not one of those too fearful or scared to uproot their normal routine in the US to not venture into the wild of the world.  I can say, in my limited travel experience I absolutely ABHORE touristy places.  Touristy places have been added to my list of 5 star resorts of places I don’t care to see whilst exploring the world and I’m glad they are there for the people who feel that is the way to travel but not me, no way, no how. 

My time in Rishikesh came to a close yesterday afternoon and while I don’t think I was fully prepared for the tearful good byes, last conversations with those I care very deeply but once the wonderful faces I came to love started to leave I felt like I couldn’t get out of Rishikesh fast enough.  The last weekend was the beginning of what used to be a huge spiritual festival for Shiva and people, predominately younger guys looking to party, sporting tiny orange shorts that hid NOTHING, and their bright orange shirts w/ Shiva’s face plastered all over them flooded our little haven of holiness.  I spoke to Sanjay on our motorbike ride to see his guru who runs and lives in a guest house just inside Lakshman Jhula and he said that the spirituality has completely disappeared and now it’s just a bunch of people coming to the city to have fun and party with their friends.  Now I wouldn’t exactly say it was like Vegas considering Rishikesh is not only alcohol free but you can’t even get a meat dish to eat but I’m sure hash was smoked by the masses.  Part of the celebration is to walk from wherever you live, grab a bunch of water from the Holy Ganga and dispense some up the mountain at the Shiva temple and take more back with you to your home, on foot.  It was MADNESS!

Seeing the guru was a different experience, which I won’t discuss here but it was a nice way to end my stay in Rishikesh and it was nice to spend some time with Sanjay because as little as we interacted, I felt drawn to him and really appreciated and enjoyed his morning asana practices.  He is a kind soul and has a wonderful smile and spoke with us all without condescension.  Jade and I gave ourselves 2 hours to get to the bus station in Rishikesh proper thinking we could just walk all our tons of shit across the Ram Jhula bridge, grab a tuktuk and be good to go.  Oh no… thanks to the festival, it was actually and very surprisingly not too crazy getting out of Ram Jhula but where there are usually hundreds of tuktuks waiting to charge westerners too much for a 2km ride, there were NONE!  We had to haul all our shit up the hill and walk another 1km or so and were welcomed by a bunch of tuktuk drivers wanting to charge the 2 of us 150INR for what would usually cost 5INR each.  Strong and angry words were spoken and finally we found a guy who would shove the two of us, and our shit, into a an already packed tuktuk w/ an adorable and very friendly little family.  One of the older woman offered to grab my “smaller” bag and hold it in her lap for me as I half sat on the already ridiculously tiny seat and half hung out the tuktuk door, gripping onto my 1ton bag for dear life so it wouldn’t fall on anyone.  Jade somehow managed to get herself and her monster back in this thing too.  If I didn’t think I’d fall out of the tuktuk into oncoming or passing traffic, I would’ve documented.  Oh and I should add, all of the tuktuk drivers tried to tell us we were wanting to go somewhere we didn’t want to go.  Haridwar, Dehardun and only god knows where else they said they were going to take us.  We had to actually yell at them as the 3-4 tuktuk drivers were around us all spouting we were wrong and needed to go elsewhere.  I yelled, “LOOK!!  THIS *pointed to my ticket* IS WHERE WE NEED TO GO! NO WHERE ELSE! Can you do that and not for 150INR!  We’re not stupid, this drive normally costs 5INR from 1km BACK!”  That’s when the one guy chuckled and said, “OH, you want to go to Shiva temple to catch the bus to Dharamsala?”  “YES!  That’s what we’ve been saying for the past 5 minutes!”

Jade and I get dropped off at a gas station and I see no Shiva Temple so we, and all our shit, are standing on the street corner looking confused and also terrified that any of the busses we see across the street are what we’re going to have to take.  The busses in India are NOTHING like the shear luxury that is Cruz del Sur in Peru.  We ask some gentleman also just chillin at the gas station if we’re in the correct place and he points to a random, unmarked waiting room that’s a tiny building on the side of a restaurant and are told it will be another out.  Jade and I meet a very sweet girl, Uma, from South Korea who came to India 5 years ago after getting her heart broken and has seemed to get stuck in various places for whatever reason… love, dance, yoga, meditation. There were a few Israeli people, one girl who was SMOKIN and after a few other sightings of the many Israeli people here, I’ve decided I need to go there. J  About 10 of us waiting in this weird little waiting room and all of a sudden a tiny Jeep comes up and the guy hops out and says, “Ok, the bus is 1km away. Come.”  He throws all our monster bags on the roof and we somehow manage to cram every inch of this car with us and all our stuff and as soon as the doors are closed he yells to the back, “100INR each!”  I’m glad to know I’m not the only one with some aggression in this place and one if the Israeli girls yells at him, “NO!  We are NOT paying you anything!  This is where we were told to go and we bought our bus ticket.  WE ARE NOT PAYING YOU!”  The driver gets out and looks flustered and we’re all about to get out, grab our shit and trudge through the crazy india traffic to get ourselves to the train until he gets back into the car, chuckles and says, “ok, let’s go. No charge.”  AH! 

We get dropped off at the back of the bus and there are a bunch of India dudes just chillin, shootin the shit and we all sit in the middle of the street or precariously on the edge of this ledge where below is a stream of the grosses looking urban sludge you could imagine.  All of a sudden a guy who we thought was in charge hops on a motorbike, says, “be back soon” and takes off.  Our bus was supposed to leave at 4, it’s now 4:30…oh india time, how I love you.  None of us know what’s going on so we do what everyone in India does best, just sits there.  About 20-30 minutes later he arrives again and we’re allowed to put our luggage into the back of the bus and board.  The buses are very simple and I’d almost like to compare them to school buses in the states but there are 2 bucket seats next to each other on either side of the aisle, they do recline and there is a small storage compartment above our heads.  This is apparently the luxury buses in India and no, I didn’t have high expectations.  I’ve come to understand the best way to enjoy your time in India is to have zero expectations at all, maybe even on the boarder of low expectations.  For $21 it wasn’t bad BUT if we want to compare countries, Cruz del Sur in Peru, Daddy and I got bus tickets from Lima to Huacachina for just over $30 for the luxury seating, which are like first class seats in planes, you get food service, there are bathrooms on the buses, as opposed to hopping off, running to the muddy, potentially shitty side of the road (you can’t tell because it’s pitch black outside) to cop a squat and do your business.  There are also movies and A/C in Peru, in India, you’re lucky to get a working fan and windows that open by your seat.  Note, this was a deluxe bus, the public bus, from what I hear, is more like a school bus.

The first part of our journey, once we finally left, was beautiful.  We left the busy hub of Rishikesh and made our way through various small towns.  The sun was setting as a HUGE deep pink orb behind the corn fields and mountains, the air was getting more crisp and less shit and exhaust filled and it was really pleasant, especially since it wasn’t fully booked and Jade and I each had our own row. Once the sun was down I decided there wasn’t much need to be conscious anymore. Thanks to the lovely over the counter medical stores in India, I popped my lady xanax and within moments I was chill as ever and a moment later, I passed out, not to wake again until the sun was rising over the Himalayas and we were only an hour from McLeod Ganj. We get to McLeod Ganj, which is upper Dharamsala where the Dalai Lama lives when he’s here and it is touristy as hell and I’m hoping to god the Iyengar center isn’t here.  It felt like Lakshman Jhula but busier and dirtier, which I didn’t think possible.  I’m still groggy from the xanax so I let Jade attempt to take the reins on where we’re going but neither of us really know and god knows it’s a crap shoot believing any Indian.  Uma thought the Himalayan Iyengar Center was in Bhagsu but upon getting a tuktuk to take us there we ask the driver and he says, ‘Oh no, it’s in Dharamkot.”  Shit, that sounds familiar and thanks to the center’s website for going down a few days ago, we didn’t have info on exactly directions but that sounded familiar.  Our tuktuk driver rolls his eyes, charges 3 times more than we were originally going to get charged but we’re off in the other direction.  Jade finds this adorable guest house that has HOT WATER and really kind manager.  We ate at the little café a few doors down and I proceeded to take my first hot shower in months… HEAVEN!  Oh AND my text messaging works in the mountains.  Yes! 

Signing out – from beautiful, non sticky Dharamkot

Xxxo

Dirty – not really J