Love

As I write this, it’s 9:30pm on Day 10 of Vipassana and after closing out “The Bar,” as Mel, Anna and I called the cafeteria during our tea chat session, we and 15 other women, who just finished Vipassana with us, had our dance/singing party shut down.  Mel is an Afgan woman whose family escaped from the country when she was 8 and parked their butts in the US for 20 years and 8 years ago, she decided to take her western education and start a corporate law practice in her home country.  Anna is a woman from Finland who decided to spend her 1 year sabbatical, from her management consulting profession, in the country she spent so many years working and is finally getting to see the country for what it really is. During our dance/sing party shut down, Mel and I were in the midst of a very climatic part of Rain Drops on Roses while the lot of us were being told “no dancing or singing is allowed on the Vipassana grounds!”  from the course manager.  We of course didn’t hear the announcement and kept singing louder and louder as the rain fell on our faces and thunder clapped overhead.   Oops!  I guess that the solo dance parties Franzi and I had in our Lamphun rooms were super illegal so I’m glad no one heard me blaring the new Santigold album as I was shakin my tush in the shower on 10 day of my 2^nd Vipassana. J  The fact about 20 women are outside right now and some were singing Bollywood songs while an adorable girl, Puja, was doing traditional village dance just goes to show how incredible this Vipassana and this group of people were.  These bloody things seem to keep getting better and better!  No expectations for any subsequent ones though, of course. ;)

As I sit in my little prison cell sized room, literally, with no windows except for a small skylight overhead, I can’t help but reflect on the incredible life affirming changes that have taken place over the last 10 days of silent SUPER intense meditation.  I was hit with a profound revelation on day 2, in the middle of just doing Anapana, which is observing the breath, which transformed my life from that moment forward.   For some reason, unbeknownst to me, while “observing” my breath, it dawned on me, this magical thought - “Wait, why would the manufactures of the Indian squaters, Hindustan in most cases, put their name on the side of the squatter where your butt faces? Wait a second… OMG!! I’VE BEEN USING THE SQUATTER BACKWARDS THE ENTIRE TIME I’VE LIVED IN ASIA!  No wonder there has always been the threat of a tickle sprinkle on my foot!!!!  Holy shit!! HOW EMBARRASSING!”  It’s like I’ve been straddling the toilet bowl for a whole year, elbows propped up on the back, just chilling, waiting for a dook to plop, which completely explains why one of my dad’s out of town work visitors from some Asian country was doing just that in our guest bathroom in my parents’ house when I was younger.  So note to all – in the west, face the door, in the east, face the wall!  The amazing things that come out of Vipassana… I tell ya! 

I also got very intimate with part of my body on this course as well, so intimate in fact that it was a little too intimate and I had to stop myself after only making it an 8^th of the way through.  NO, you dirty sluts, I didn’t blue clit myself… bitch please, never, but I now know why I’ve always had problems with ingrown hairs when shaving or waxing my legs.  That shit has NO orderly growth pattern!  Yes, I will blame Franzi for this, I took tweezers to my legs and as much as my friend Aimee hates the term “plucked,” I feel it most appropriate to use because pulling each leg hair, one at a time, maybe two if I was lucky, I really feel I became one with the plucked chickens of the world.  I made it almost ½ way through my lower right leg and decided I liked my morning and afternoon naps WAY better than this!  Not only that but once you get to the outside part, you have to crane your legs in all sorts of ways and I am not only out of yoga shape, but I was already in immense amounts of pain from my 10 ½ hours of sitting still, meditating, and it was just making matters much worse.  AND, if matters couldn’t get any worse, I started to PMS and men, I know you can’t relate but ladies know what I’m talking about.  HELLOOOOO sensitivity and exaggerated states of pain!  I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to stop!  I looked down though and between my shin high, scull socks and my fisherman’s trousers, there was this little bit of exposed skin… think of the really awkward leg tan soccer players get… it was ½ hair and ½ bare!  Aye, so I sucked it up and finished off the part just under my knee and so NOW, I have a totally “wax ready” left leg and a freakishly patch worked right leg.  I think this makes my year of celibacy easier to attain. ;)  Guess what I’ll be doing tomorrow though, as soon as I drop my bag off at my guest house??  Praise the one “beauty salon” in Bhagsu!

I’ve hesitated writing much about my actual REAL experiences in Vipassana for a number of reasons.  For one, in the event ANY of you actually want to try it yourself, I don’t want to rob you of an expectation-less experience, which is what every meditation session should be, well, what EVERY moment in life should be.  Second, I don’t want to preach or sound cray cray about the practice and I figured, if anyone was truly interested in it, they’d ask.  So, here is an open invitation, if you want to know anything, ANYTHING (except my own personal experiences) I’ll be more than happy to share.   Thirdly, it’s SUCH an intense experience there really are no appropriate words to capture what it is or more importantly, what it does TO you.  The ONLY way you can know is to experience, which is part of the core of the practice anyway… to know the true nature of your reality, as it is, on the experiential level, within the frame work of the body.  As an old student though, I get to sit closer to the front and since Dharamsala brings TONS of newbs to the scene, closer to the front means seat 3, dead square in front of the assistant teacher.  During some of the sessions she has little meetings with small groups of people, asking them about their progress and this particular teacher was so wonderfully engaged with the students, she would call certain women up, one at a time, who had been coming to her with questions throughout the course.  I usually left and went to my room to meditate because I’m not exactly seasoned and it’s hard to focus when there are quiet whispers a meter in front of me but on day 8, I stayed.  I may not have been able to put what the root of Vipassana is to me into words but what I overhead Nina, the Assistant Teacher, say to one of the other old students, who was sitting before her, sent me running back to my room to capture it on paper, it was so perfect and so beautiful and soooo… it.

When you have equanimity and accept all the sensations that arise, or when your mind wanders to thoughts of aversion or craving and you just accept that it has wandered, without frustration, you are developing love, compassion and peace within yourself.  Until you can feel true love, compassion and peace for everything that you are, inside, you will never be able to feel it for anyone else.  When you observe yourself with equanimity, you are learning to love yourself.

I felt like I got smacked across the face when I heard this.  I let it simmer for awhile and went to lunch but as I walked back to my room, for no apparent reason, tears started to well in my eyes but then faded back into my eyeballs.  I got to my room, grabbed my tweezers and thought about plucking away again but all of a sudden I burst into body convulsing, air gasping, snot and tear flowin (or I guess snot lurches more than flows), sobs.  This continued for a wee bit and after a few dry heaves in my bathroom, a few more gasps while in the fetal position on my bed, I passed out.  Nice timing too because really did come to enjoy my afternoon naps on my right side… I hear it’s good for digestion and lord knows anything helps with THAT whilst in Vipassana.  Vipassana is like a cork for your rectum, no joke!

Especially in recent years, I’ve always thought I was a person who loved herself.  I thought I was an awesome person with a few minor flaws but generally, pretty bad ass and not in a conceited way, just in a “comfortable in who I am” way. I’ve always known something “wasn’t quite right” inside me though and I’ve thought it was issues with anxiety, attachment, depression, etc but as soon as I heard the teacher speak those words and they rang out to me so clearly like they were placed directly in my scull for me to absorb, I asked myself, “do you love yourself, jess?”  You know what… no, I don’t… not completely, not unconditionally, not fully and totally and truly.  It’s taken removing me from all the distractions, that are SO EASY to fall into because they are so fun, removing me from my comforts, removing me from the outside world, 3 times, mind you, for me to finally get it.  THIS is why I am here!  This is why I have left a world I love so much, the people I love, the city I love, the life I love.  This is what I have spent 1 full month of the last 11 months trying to figure out, intensely anyway.  I feel like THIS is the reason I’m in India.  It’s not to travel, it’s not to turn into a pretzel, it’s to find the unconditional love within myself I’ve never had.  I don’t truly love myself!  I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say I can attribute the sobbing to this realization but it wasn’t tears of sadness or depression, it was so SO intense I needed a release and it was exactly what my body needed to do to accomplish that.  After those 5 minutes of being a drippy mess of face fluids, I felt like they sky opened up, like I weighed a fraction of what I did just moments prior and something surged through my body like lightning.  It’s not anxiety I’m tackling, it’s not attachment, it’s THIS and with THIS comes everything else.  Admitting to myself, finally, once and for all, I don’t completely love myself is the most liberating thing I’ve ever felt and I accept exactly where I am with it right now, without judgment or frustration and knowing full well that *I* am the only one who can accomplish this.  No one else can put the love I don’t have for myself in my being, only I can but that’s the complete beauty of it… *I* have control over making this happen.. no one else.  Just knowing, deep down, to the core of my tiniest bodily sensations, this, I think is a fucking monster step in the right direction.  If that’s not the best birthday present I can give myself, I don’t know what is.

Bhavatu Sabba Mangalam, bitches! ;)

Xxxox

Hairy, Love Bubble of Dirty!

p.s. I totally love the monkeys now! LOVE THEM!  They are probably the most fun animals to watch live their lives… srsly… ya’ll should try it and in the wild, not in a fucking zoo.

p.p.s. Ringing in my 32nd year of life in Vipassana was one of the most beautiful things ever... *hops on my rainbow shitting unicorn to go sprinkle fairy dust around Dharamsala*

p.p.p.s. Nina, the Assistant Teacher, used the phrase "Oh, pain is a WONDERFUL sensation" like running coaches say "hills are your friends." ZOMG!!!  I died.

Needs

I spent my morning recovering from an odd hangover from one of the rare nights I over indulge in some craptastic alcoholic beves whilst abroad.  Once I pulled myself together I dove into an old, but familiar and lovely routine.  I noshed on some fresh fruit, muesli and curd, drank some chai, cleaned my balcony, which overlooks lower Dharamkot, from the storm that swept through last night, put on some Zoe Keating, cracked a new book and occasionally glanced in the direction of the drifting clouds rolling in and out of this lovely Himalayan hillside, where I spent so much time last year.  Dharamkot and McLeod Ganj – I love you!  There is something about this place, it’s indescribable but the power of it can blindside you without warning.  Today, is no exception when I felt my heart chakra open up like a crazy beast and I was hit with a massive realization that I just couldn’t help but document.  Here goes…. I now know what I want in life!  Pretty big statement coming from anyone, right?  How often are people able to tell you exactly what they want, like REALLY want?  These are how my wants used to look:  I wanted a house - I got it.  I wanted my dream car - I got it.  I wanted beautiful girlfriends - I got them.  I wanted clinkage from regatta weekends - I got it. I wanted lots of money - I got it.  I wanted the awesome corporate ladder climbing job – I got it.  I wanted cheese cake - I got it. Those wants are easy to identify, they are tangible, something to touch, something to hold, something that’s easy to identify and explain, something you measure the success of by opening your eyes and looking at what’s in front of you and things you can write a project plan for how to obtain.  I wanted lots of that stuff and usually, I always got it and I knew how to get it and what the result would be.  As soon as I got one thing, I rarely enjoyed it and looked immediately to my next goal.  What I had was never enough and I always wanted more, bigger and better… whatever that meant.  Look what it got me... it got me to the place where all I wanted to do was empty my entire bowl of "accomplishments" and start over and for every moment to be a start over.   Holy shit have things shifted, changed and in this perpetual transitory state that is being, my “wants” have gotten… simple, or maybe more complicated, however you want to look at it.  So here goes…

My New List of Wants:

• I want to find joy in every moment
• I want to experience everything through my senses without discrimination, without a pretense of assumptions and expectations and without projection
• I want to experience the world, not simply see it, but experience it
• I want to inspire myself and others 
• I want to be healthy, patient, understanding and compassionate
• I want to continue to “feel [my] feelings with feeling” but with action and then let go
• I want to be present and nothing but present in each moment
• I want pure happiness and pure awareness
• I want to truly and unconditionally love myself and everyone else in my world and everything that takes one to get to that point (ie. establish and keep healthy boundaries, total honesty, non judgement, acceptance, etc.)
• I want to just be

That’s it.  That's not too much to ask, right? ;)  I truly believe that everything else will fall into place, all the people who will help nourish me, security, safety and logistical pieces... it will all just happen when it’s supposed to if all the “work” I do in my life is to fulfill these wants, or I'm more included to call them NEEDS.   Does that mean I sit still and wait for shit to happen?  Absolutely not but there is a fluidity to what revolves in the world when you're at ease and peace and it's not a constant struggle or a constant striving to fulfill desires.  Well, at least, I don't think there is. What does all this look like?  Fuck if I know but it’s what I want/need and I just realized when I chose to make a major life change, these were the only things I truly wanted but I didn’t understand, until now.

Travel summary from the past 2 ½ months coming soon! ;)

Mad Crazy Love n Shit!

Xxxox

Dirty

Same Same but Different

With a long blink the final mental and emotional preparations are made to open your lids fully, focus your gaze and look directly into the blue grey spheres that you used to lock onto for hours at a time so long ago.  They are a breath of familiarity, filled with passion, drive, warmth, friendship, acknowledgement, compassion, love and a life of experience.  The hair is different, lord knows it’s probably even seen every color of the rainbow since you last saw each other, the style has changed but oh god, there goes the smile.  The beam of light shooting horizontally across her face that made your heart skip into your throat and your knees weak streaks through your peripheral and your lips part ways do the same in response.  Two things so familiar that haven’t changed a bit, or have they?  It’s been years, who knows how many, maybe one, maybe 20 but what have those eyes seen, what have they experienced, what have they tackled and overcome?  What do you experience throughout time?  Take a moment to think about it, really think about it.  What have even the last 5 months of this new year brought into your life.  What have you seen?  What have you done?  What have you learned?  What have you overcome?  What have you fought and what have you won?  What has pushed you and what has pulled?  What has stung your eyes, made them tear up, made them swell with joy and love or ache in pain and sorrow?  I know for me, I’ve loved, learned, fought, cried, laughed, yelled, whispered, listened, debated, thought, embraced, absorbed and seen countless things I’ve never seen before.  The lessons I’ve learned in the first 5 months of this year are like nothing I’ve been able to grasp until now and the limitless possibilities of growth keep emerging.  I am NOT who I was when I left Seattle in December, not even close.  The Thai and Indians have a saying... same same but different... fitting right?

My last, which was my second, Vipassana in the lovely Lamphun, Thailand that ended in the beginning of May proved to be an ever mind blowing experience.  I had four profound epiphanies where I gained wisdom of things I felt like I had known but what I was feeling during those ten days made it… different.  I understood more of what I’ve been trying for years to grasp and emotions came through that I thought were long dead and conquered.  It was a really interesting and enlightening time.  My first Vipassana was like nothing I had ever experienced before and as I walked out of the gate on what was the first bright and sunny day in months, my smile couldn’t have been beaten off my face.  I walked with a cushion of air under the pads of my feet, my head felt – clear – my heart felt like it was going to explode but mostly, how I felt can’t be put to words, it was a feeling, a sensation that can only be known through experience.  Going into my second Vipassana I knew it was going to prove challenging in different respects and I wanted to prepare myself so I could make the most of it.  The place and people may be different but the practice is the exact same, the set up of discipline is the same, the schedule is the same, the familiar and comforting, yet odd Goenka sounding, chanting is the same and the discourses are the same.  You go into any subsequent Vipassana after your first knowing full well what you’re getting yourself into and there really are NO surprises, at least when it comes to the nitty gritty details.  Part of meditating or yoga or really anything in life is to have no expectations.   If you have an expectation, you’ll most likely experience frustration, sorrow, rage or whatever other ugly feeling may manifest if something doesn’t come to fruition like you had wanted.  Also, while looking for an expectation to be met, you may miss something new and so wonderful but so subtle that you would have only known it if you were paying attention to what was.  I can’t walk into the Lamphun center and expect to get the same outcome or have the same experience I had in Dharamsala 6 months prior.  I was mentally prepped and ready to dive head first into the practice with no expectation of what would come.  I was SET!

As the days drew on I felt I was doing really well at taking the experience for what it was and not thinking I should be feeling anything differently, I was just where I was, in everything I was doing.  It takes a few days to prep yourself to practice actual Vipassana so around day 5 I found myself doing something I didn’t think I would do, nor did I think it would be a challenge in in of itself.  “Oh man, my day 5 last time is when it was so physically painful I sobbed uncontrollably and involuntarily.  That’s not happening this time.  Ok…. Oh last time this or that happened…. Last time I thought this or didn’t think this…”  I stopped myself at one point, took myself out of the meditation hall and quietly whispered to myself, “what on earth are you doing?!”  While I didn’t have any expectations for what was going to happen, I had no specific desired outcome, except to just be, I was in the process of comparing 2 different experiences, while they may seem similar, were anything but similar.  It was getting me nowhere except away from my present moment and taking me further from being able to view and experience whatever it was, right then and there.  Trying to figure out if my day 5’s where similar was not going to accomplish anything.  Day 5 of Dharamsala Vipassana is done, it’s over, it was 6 months ago and that time is never going to be in front of me ever again.  It doesn’t matter what happened then, what matters is what’s happening now.  Holy shit!  It’s not just about having no expectations it’s about not comparing!!

That, ladies and gents was one of my four lightning bolt explosions.  There is so much more to being present that just “being present” it’s about TOTAL presence with no expectations for what’s going to happen and no analysis for how that present moment may or may not be comparable to another moment.  Every moment is different at every second of every day.  In a society where we’re driven by goals and seeing where we were last year compared to this year, it’s SO HARD to not compare.  I come from a competitive athlete background and I STILL remember my PR for a 2k erg piece, which happened when I was 17 years old high school rower!  I’m not 17 anymore!  Why would I want to compare what I did almost 15 years ago to what I can do now?!  How will that help my mental state and in turn, my performance?  You were a dancer or a gymnast or runner or a piano player or a <insert whatever awesome thing you did 2+ years ago> and you try to do it now and you’re just not as good or you don’t do as well.  Guess what kids?  We change!  Maybe you do better and if so, great but just enjoy what you’re able to do NOW.  Our talents change, our skills change, our bodies change, our minds change and you know, I’m not as efficient with my body on the erg anymore but you better believe that my flexibility and body control, thanks to yoga, is light years better than what it was when I was 17.  Who cares though?  I can’t make my 17 year old self remerge and make it better at yoga because that me is dead and gone so why would I think that same 17 year old is still around and able to what I used to be able to do on the erg?  If I want to row, enjoy rowing, be in my moment rowing, and do the best I can and improve upon where I am, I have to look at me NOW.  So many people get stuck in the rut of nostalgia and think “oh man, I used to be so good at that and now… I suck” and what good does that do them?  NONE!  Why focus on what you can’t do anymore and instead focus on the amazing things you can do? Or spend that time you dwell on your awesomeness of the past on actually working to get back to a more enjoyable level of achievement?  If there is nothing else you feel you do better now, than that’s a totally different discussion about LETTING GO!  That’s not what I’m talking about now though, not directly anyway.

Quite literally, every fraction of a second is different, in us, in the outside world, in the person we’re looking at.  We die and are reborn trillions of times a day physically, emotionally and mentally and some of the changes, ok, a overwhelming majority of the changes are so subtle that you usually don’t notice them but it happens, whether you’re consciously aware of it or not.   Mother Teresa said, “yesterday is gone.  Tomorrow has not yet come.  We have only today.  Let us begin.”  If we are living in our present moment but comparing what we’re doing, how we’re acting, what we’re seeing, experiencing, saying to something we did in the past, we are NOT living in the present moment and we are potentially robbing ourselves of fully embracing and acting on what’s in front of us at that very second. 

Those blue grey wells I drowned in so many times before may look the same, they may even glow and glisten the same in the sun or when she smiles but they are not the same.  The moment I left her she was different and each moment after that until the very moment we locked eyes again, she is different.  Whenever I see her again, with each breath she takes she’s different.  I am different.  It doesn’t matter if the last time we spoke, the last time we saw each other was with smiles, kisses and hugs or with anger, rage and tears.  Whatever happened in the past, is gone.  That person I knew, is gone.  That person I was, is gone.  What’s important, is now. 

Someone you loved, admired and appreciated so much in the past could have had experiences that made them go down a completely different path and they are no longer that bright and smiling person you adored and instead became dark and brooding.  Conversely, someone you had severe animosity towards, harbored immense aversion and hatred could have seen things in this world that made them experience something deeper and they could be a transformed and wonderful soul.  The only way you will truly know the person you’re looking at is if you let them be, who they are, at that very moment, with no expectations and no comparison.  I feel the “no expectations” is pretty common sense but just in case, here is my take:

 There are those who say (we’ll call them pessimists J) “I keep low expectations so that if ANYTHING good happens it’ll be good.”  I used to be like this, probably until about 5 years ago and while sometimes it worked, it really did keep your mind in a perpetual negative state and I’ve found it true that the universe will match your attitude.  Others have high expectations and set themselves up for disappointment if those expectations aren’t met.  The only way to truly be at peace with what’s going on is if you have no expectations at all.  You don’t exact anything good, you don’t expect anything bad, you just are aware, accepting and open to whatever is and you just let it be.  If it ends up being something you like, you act accordingly and if it ends up being something to your distaste you act accordingly as well.

Comparisons can be rather similar but instead of anticipating what you’re going to encounter, instead you encounter and then try to see how it lines up with what you knew.  When you compare, you’re trying to see if something is better or worse, attributing a quick judgment based on your past experience(s).  I’m speaking from my own experience but I have noticed myself, when I compare something that I may have thought was “bad” in the past, I can feel myself somewhere very subtle in my consciousness, looking for any hints of what I was averse to before and in the process, not really paying full attention and seeing the full scope of the situation or person I’m with.  Who knows what I’m missing while I’m doing my comparison!?  I don’t!  It’s not that I’m not listening, because I am, it’s just really hard to see all of what something is when you’re trying to find certain similarities.  Not only am I not being completely mindful but dare I say, I may even be waiting for this person to "fail" in my eyes?  Even if there are similarities what does it matter?  It doesn’t matter if someone is the same or different, it just matters that you know who they are now and how that may work in your current space in life.  For those who have been near and dear to you in life, who you’ve loved in countless ways, the comparison may be different.  You may be looking for those same qualities the person held before that keeps you holding on (aaahhh attachment, I think I covered this in a past blog but that’s a subject all on its own) and projecting that into who they are now and ignoring or missing some glaring things that may indicate their present moment and state is indeed very different.  How often do we date people because we "see the potential" in them and not actually see them for who they are at that second.  It goes the same way where we are with someone and we make the choice to just focus on who they were before that current moment and ignore who they actually are right then.   In either case, you are really only hurting one person by doing this – you.  Comparing anything keeps one foot in the past while one is in the present so you’re never fully there and you may miss an opportunity to see someone for their true present self, whether they are amazing and will provide much enrichment in your life, or whether they may be going a totally opposite direction which could lead to some unnecessary struggles.  What’s important is not what’s changed, it rests solely on what is, and that’s it!

I’m realizing just how hard this is going to be, as I’ve already had a few encounters, in person and through other means, with people I haven’t been in contact with for some time.  It feels almost inherent to do a quick comparison checklist in my head while I’m on Skype or reading an email and each time I’ve caught myself doing it I’ve realized I’m not truly embracing the reality as it is.  There are a few instances in my life where I really want to make sure I'm ready to look someone in the eyes, and I would greatly prefer it be their eyes just a matter of actual feet in front of me, verses virtual feet and be able to do this.  It doesn't even matter if they are going to do the same for me all I want is to be fully clear, open and accepting of that moment.  I mean, I really should want to do this with everyone, right but if given the chance to push a pause button, where I feel necessary, I will and I have.  I would say that I want to do this to be fair to the person in my life but really what it comes down to, I want to do this for me.  I want to be fair and true to myself by leaving past perspectives aside and soaking in whatever is happening right at that second.  It’s not for others, it’s for me, but in ensuring I’m doing myself justice and I’m making healthy decisions based on as complete a picture as I can capture, I can’t do anything but good for others.  It’s not even denoting if someone is a “good” or “bad” person it’s just understanding who they really are right then and if, at that moment, our true connection will be symbiotic or potentially catastrophic. 

Every interaction I’ve ever had with anyone in my life is gone and it will never be that same interaction again.  I have to let everything that happened before this second go and never look back and it’s not just for those I’ve been intimate and in love with but with everyone from friends and family to acquaintances.  Everyone deserves to get looked at through fresh eyes and I definitely deserve to look at everyone with fresh eyes and a fresh perspective.  It’s how we grow, how we flourish and how we determine where our limited and very valuable commodity of TIME goes.  The only way to truly do that is with both feet directly under you, not splayed out between two logs on a river that are drifting to opposing shores.  That just sounds like a recipe for accidental splits and a shredded groin!

Hari Om bitches!

Xxxox

Dirty

p.s.  btw, loved north Thailand and looking forward to going back to explore there and stay in Bangkok as little time as possible J  I had to provide SOME kind of travel update, yeah?  I’d be an awful travel writer!

   

Alone

“We’re born alone and we die alone.”  I’ve heard a number of people say this in some form or fashion, usually when dealing with feeling lonely and grappling with a loss of some sort, usually in the way of a love but sometimes in friendship and family.  I don’t think it’s accurate or true.  When we’re born, it’s usually into the arms of a person and then immediately wrapped and handed to the arms of the mother to commence the outward bonding.  When we die, who knows who’s going to be with us.   Sometimes at the bedside rests all those nearest and dearest holding onto a piece of the person to feel that final moment of connection and other times, like with one of my grandmothers, it’s alone, in your trailer, not to be found until 2 weeks later when someone breaks down the door.  What I find more accurate to say and what I have said, not sure where I got it, if from anywhere, is “the only person you are guaranteed to wake with every morning of your life, is you.”

Traveling, or as I like to call it, “living abroad like a gypsy,” forces you to put a different perspective on the idea of being alone.  People on holiday travel with partners, sometimes in packs and HORDES, travelers, for the most part, are alone in their journey.  When they wake in the morning, the first thought that comes to mind is “what am *I* going to do today?”  Often times you meet like minded, like missioned people and connect for portions of the then, mutual journey but there is always a parting when someone wants to stay around and twirl in the sky a bit longer and the other wants to head to a different play ground to try some different yoga.  It happens, ALL THE TIME. It’s rarely a dramatic departure, tears are not usually shed, hearts do not ache, new friends are missed but the next day comes and more journey’s and new friends await.  For a society that is bread to attach themselves to anything and everything that comes into our reach and be devastated during the process of detachment, this whole process is a completely foreign concept. 

I come from a broken family where my father left us, gradually but left us nonetheless, by the time I was twelve.  My youngest sister and I have since decided this was actually a blessing in disguise, at least I know for me.  If I had to go through my teenage years fearing constant ridicule every time a word came out of my mouth, the painfully sarcastic cut downs and when I stood up for myself, the punishment of equally painful smacks to the ass that would leave welts and a hand print for days, I may have never broken from my practically debilitating shyness, especially since what helped break my shyness was my introduction to Boones Farm Fuzzy Navel and warm Budweiser in the can at the age of 15.  Something tells me my ridiculously angry and controlling father wouldn’t have allowed me to leave the house once I got to high school so there would’ve been NO BOONES!  Oh the death of me!  Also, if he HAD stayed and my mom didn’t divorce him  who knows what sort of perspective I’d have on what a relationship looks like, but I can’t imagine it would’ve been pretty, so instead, I came out stubbornly independent WITH some of the typical pitfalls of a person dealing with “abandonment issues.”  Attaching to things that I find to be good and clinging onto them for dear life, nails and all, usually sucking any energy out of them, has historically been a norm.  Not to mention the debilitating devastation that follows when things do not work out, with either a lover or a friend.  There was a time when lots of things were debilitating to me, apparently.  This was me, five years ago.  I held onto things just for the sake of holding on, even if I knew it wasn’t good or healthy.  I would worry for days why people weren’t calling me back and stress that I had done something to drive them away.  Me and that time in my life were disgusting, don’t think for a second I thought any of it was good.  I just didn’t know what to do.

Well, I grew, is what I did.  In the recent years I’ve seen all of my friendships around the world become completely fluid where sometimes I’m hanging out with group A a lot and rarely see B, C, D, etc and then other times it shifts.  Sometimes I’m more interested in group dynamics and sometimes just one-on-one.  I don’t even really think about this stuff, I just let it all be and everything ebbs and flows as it should.  I never sit there and over think why I’m not seeing or speaking so much of a certain person and I would like to hope my friends do the same.  There was actually an article in the New York Times, a few weeks ago, written for people who sit there and toil over their friendships and I found it to be the most ridiculous article ever, mostly because it didn’t just focus on letting things BE.  If I sat here in India and wondered why so-and-so wasn’t messaging me as much as we used to, I’d drive myself nuts.  This transition over the years has prepared me well for the comings and goings of the friends I’ve met on the road.  That obnoxious guy from LA I mentioned in my last blog said to me once, “eh, what’s the point of establishing anything while you’re traveling, everyone leaves, none of this is forever.”  I then asked him, “is ANYTHING forever?  Don’t all people leave, at some point?”  It’s not something I say with an air of pessimism either, it’s just the reality.  Lives change, people change, goals change, motivations change, locations change, lives end, people and the lives they live are not static, they are very much dynamic, every instant of every day.  It doesn’t make any of my relationships at home any less important because we don’t see each other or talk to each other often, and the relationships I develop while abroad are no less significant in my life because they aren’t as long standing and may not have as much face time.  There are a few people who I’ve met over the last year who I feel know me better than and I know them better than some of the friends I’ve had for years back in Seattle.  It’s also ok that some friendships I have in Seattle haven’t gotten deeper, if they are supposed to, they will.  My friend Dominic, who I fucking adore the shit out of, said something to this effect at a table of people as we were leaving our yoga TTC last July, “if I never see any of you again, I won’t be sad.  I’m ok with it because I know that the time we shared together here, we each enhanced each other’s lives and we each contributed what we were supposed to during this time.  If I do see you again, all the better but our time together the last 6 weeks has been beautiful and I’m happy you were all a part of it.”  I think back to this quite often, like when I said good bye to a love when I knew it wasn’t right, not at that moment anyway, and when I say good bye to a friend I’ve seen every day for the last 2 months.  Being a live abroad gypsy and well, let’s be honest, my intensive yoga studies, have helped immensely with grappling with attachment and how to lessen its impact.  It’s a very freeing thing to be “detached” not apathetic, just not clinging.  I know all the people in my life are amazing, in whatever capacity we are together and the time we share is always cherished, regardless of the duration and there are no expectations for the future, ever, at least on my end.  I won’t say there aren’t hopes because I’ll be damned if I don’t hope I see some of my friends again but if we never do, I’m not going to be heartbroken because they were a wonderful addition while they were in my life.

Many people attach to other people, some attach to materials things, some to ideals, ideas or opinions, some to their own body or image of their body, some to expectations, some to life, some people attach to everything and a majority of the time, we attach to things we feel fills a void within ourselves.  Attachment is just a feeling of possession of anything that isn’t us, that we can’t control and since we can’t control it, doesn’t it seem silly to get attached to it. The cycle is vicious because we find something, feel like we’re complete because we found it, that thing goes away and we feel incomplete again so we go and seek something else that will be our next missing puzzle piece.  Because that thing, whether it a person, possession, job, etc, makes us feel happy or elated and when it goes away we feel sad, we attribute our happiness to whatever it was we attained, but it’s always fleeting, always temporary and never permanent.  Everything we need, EVERYTHING, is all within us and there is no need to look elsewhere to make us feel complete.  Just read Shel Silverstein’s The Missing Piece Meets the Big O (I thought it was about an orgasm and it’s not, just a warning so you aren’t disappointed like I was) and he covers it in very simple terms, in regards to relationships but I think it can be equally transferable to anything we seek in trying to make us feel complete. As much as I thought that bizarre tantra yoga teacher last year from Israel was a kook he did say something I thought was lovely about women: “When you’re single, be happy, when you meet a woman, be happy, when the woman goes away remain happy.  Happiness is not in the form of another person, happiness is you.”  This was just before he told me to drink my own menstrual blood and that of my now former lady friend.  Just like every other teacher, take the things you like, leave the things you don’t.  I’ll let you speculate which of that I left and which of that I took. Ha!

Detaching from the expectation that anything in this world will make you happy is empowering because you really begin to understand all you need is yourself and then it becomes clear that being alone is a state of being while being lonely is just a state of mind.  Any state of mind is easily changed as soon as you change your attitude about it.  Traveling alone makes you aware of this, whether consciously or not, every day you wake and usually it’s the most amazing feeling, so free, vibrant and wonderful, EVER.  All that said, it’s not always easy as I learned recently.  Even after all the progress I feel I’ve made with having a healthy relationship with attachment and detachment there are those times when faced with your own personal crisis when all you crave is the comfort of familiar arms and a shoulder to cry on.  When you’re half way around the world and away from all the people who know you almost as well as you know yourself, it’s HARD!   A picture of a virtual hug and an hour+ of text messaging helps but when you put the phone down and look around, there is a moment when you see yourself surrounded by people but feel completely alone.  At that very moment you can either feel lonely in despair or instead know that whatever you need, whatever answers you seek, will come from within, in due time, when they are ready and able to reveal themselves.  If you’re aware, listen and pay attention to yourself, you find all the answers you need. I’m still seeking some answers, I don’t have them all, I’ve had a rather emotionally rough week but I know everything will be ok, with me, with those I love, with those involved either now or in the future.  While outside support is not necessary it’s always greatly appreciated in whatever capacity, but as long as you let go and detach from all expectations all the strength, courage, motivation, determination, love, vision, happiness and peace you need in this world will be found where it has been the entire time, in you.

One of these days I’ll tell you about why I actually love Arambol… if this damn introspection will ever cease! J 

Xxxox

Always Bruised and Always Dirty!

Lessons from the Mat #2 - Hug a Tree

It’s Lesson time again!!  First, I’d just like to say how amazing it is to be in Rishikesh, Ram Jhula really, with a bunch of nomadic yogis.  Everyone has a story, everyone has done considerable traveling and everyone has a true desire to be here, living in this moment and enjoying where we are and embracing all our daily practices.  The people I have met in town have also been so welcoming and yesterday, Nagee (I’m sure I’m butchering his spelling), the owner of the yogi shop in town where I get pretty much everything, invited me to come along w/ him and a few other loyal customers from Russia to travel into the Himalayas to stay with his family and help at an orphanage.  He said it would be very traditional, very hospitable and it sounds quite lovely, although I didn’t pack for snow, I also didn’t pack for marriage, which based on warnings I received from friends prior to leaving, may be a motivation.  A bit leery am I?  Yes, I’m a paranoid American, after all, who finds skepticism in anything good offered.  I’m also a single female traveler and already preparing myself for coy eyes wanted to cop a feel on the trains or buses, I want to make sure I’m feeling 100% ok with anything like this.  I have a few weeks to feel it out to see if I’m comfortable with the opportunity to partake in such an offer, which really sounds lovely.  I did drop the “girlfriend” word (even though technically I’m single and blah blah.. It’s an easier term to use that’s self explanatory but I don’t need to get into semantics of my relationship in my blog to justify its usage or to anyone around town) to make clear I’m not into the male parts.  He repeated the word so I know he caught on and understood so we’ll see.  Oh shit, speaking of schlong, I left my Cialis at home too… maybe this isn’t a good idea since I forgot my penile rectal dysfunction meds.  For the high altitude people!!  The high altitude!! =)  It could potentially be a really mind blowing and amazing experience though SO, we’ll see.  I will probably make sure to get an Indian cell phone prior to if I do decide to go.

I’m sure all my yogi’s reading are dying to know what kind of physical practice I’m learning.  I will say, it’s nothing like ashtanga or baptiste or anything vigorous for that matter.  My school follows the teachings of Bihar, which is the first yoga university started in the world.  Its focus is on tiny, individual joint movements and after each session of movement or after holding a particular pose for a certain amount of breaths, you relax, close your eyes, regulate your breath (or breeth as our teachers cutely say) and feel how that movement affected your body.  I have to say, my lactic junkie, power flow lovin ass is kinda diggin it and I’m VERY glad I came here w/ no expectations because if I was expecting an ass kicking, I’d be really disappointed.  Not to mention, I’m not sweating like a monster beast, which means I’m not having to do laundry every day. J  I can’t imagine going to a class like this in Seattle but as a personal practice a few times a week or every morning before an ass kicking Terilynn or Leisha vinyasa class, it would be quite lovely!  Of course there is the whole philosophical side as well but I can’t speak enough to that, except for my lessons from the mat, which bear with me, are a little further down.

Check what I get to do this weekend!  Roshan told us we’re all going to be shoving catheters up our noses and out of our mouths on our day off.  Sounds like a fun time to me!  I immediately went to thinking, “oh wow, new party trick to show off with you know, whatever’s around that can fit up my nose!”  Dominic on the other hand said, “wow, there’s a hole I never thought to explore!” to which I exclaimed, “this sounds like a whole new level of kink I never imagined going to but hey, this could be fun and exciting!”  We’ll see how this new skill I’m supposed to acquire will manifest when I get home. ;)

Oh and the food - still fucking amazing! AH-MAZ-ING!  I don’t know how I’m ever going to eat Indian food at home ever again.  I mean, Travelers comes close but holy shit.  If I was rich and had my own super duper smoking fast leer jet, I’d come to India just to eat.  How’s that for my dream carbon footprint?!

Another random thought before I get deep, I always thought those pants Douglas wears to class are so silly looking.  You know, the ones with the HUGE saggy crotch? (Here they are: I looked up "saggy crotch yoga pants" but apparently the correct term is "baggy")  I have to admit, which I’m not nearly as ashamed to admit, unlike my love of my ugly fucking Crocs that keep my feet free from cow shit while walking around Ram Jhula, I bought a few pair and they are the most comfortable pants I have ever worn in my life.  Holy… shit!  Big crotch, loose fitting, flowy pants – WINNING!!  Ok, enough of my rambling, onto the lessons!

Lessons from the Mat #2

-          “ When you feel trouble, you are the trouble.”

-          “The state of humans should be a consistent plateau of happiness, not ‘ups and downs’ because we have the privilege of having WILL. 

-          “Everyone is selfish, will remain selfish, understand the self and become selfish”

-          From my teachers Swami – “Love is nothing.  We don’t need love, we need understanding.”

-          “Darkness is an illusion, there is no darkness, only light as there is no source of darkness, so there is no negativity, it is an illusion of our own mind.”

-          “You can only make yourself understand, you can’t make others understand.”

-          “As humans, we have WILL.  We have the will to be happy and the will to be unhappy.”

-          “If we have the will to not receive someone’s negativity, we will not be affected.” <- I will say, this one is difficult, especially when you really care about the person projecting negativity in your direction.

My teacher also LOVES to tell stories after almost every class, sometimes about himself and sometimes a story he has heard from another teacher.  He told one today I thought was cute and I actually managed to document it so I wouldn’t forget, which I want to try to do with each of his stories that sticks with me.  Sooo.. STORY TIME!

Storytime

My teacher had a crush on a young girl when he was 14 and she was 12.  They were planning their future, wedding and cute little perfect family but like most young love, it did not last.  When he was 21 and she was 19, she had a family arranged marriage and he was heartbroken.  For a month and a half, he spent glorious days with his friends but at night, alone, he would lay awake at night, not able to sleep.  One night, he decided to watch a Bollywood movie about a young woman who left a man and he started to cry uncontrollably.  He left his room and went to the roof of his house, alone, and cried for 2 ½ hours.  When he was done, he went back to his room and had the best night’s sleep he had in months.  His advice, cry it out, let it out, release it and let it go.  Go into the middle of a forest, hug a tree and cry because nature can transform those emotions and energy into positivity much easier than most humans.

Cute and werd! 

Shaanthih bitches!

Xxxo

Dirty