"I am..."

My time surrounded by familiar faces and yoga companions is coming to a close, slowly but surely, and upon Gabby preparing to leave and enter her life, the one she lived prior to embarking on this journey she and I are both on, we discussed the adjustment back to “real life.” What is “real life” though anyway? Jules and I had this discussion when we were at Yog Peeth because I suggested what we were living was not real, not in the sense of being surrounded by all of the distractions of home, whether it be work, friends, family, loves, traffic, news headlines, etc. Living in a bubble of yoga and spiritual exploration without “normal” distractions makes going inside yourself a bit easier. As Jetsunma said, the 3rd type of “laziness” was the “keeping yourself so occupied with good things you never look inside yourself,” which I find this type of laziness much easier to fall into from the comforts of Seattle, surrounded by loved ones and things to do. I chose to go ½ way across the world to find myself, or as I’ve learned, to find out who I am not, which is everything I think I am. I never thought what I was doing as trying to attain a new level of understanding, a new quality of life, to change everything about my being but while talking to gabby, and after she mentioned that, and noticing the changes, some rather drastic, physically and mentally, that’s a pretty accurate description of what’s going on. I have no idea what sort of person I’ll come out at the end. I know whatever has been happening has been intense on very subtle, sneaky levels and flattens me every once in a while but it’s also provided a stronger sense of awareness of me. The transition she’s making now is one I haven’t begun to ponder because it’s going to be so long until I see anyone from home, probably not until I actually get there because I think the chances of getting any visitors is highly unlikely. How will we be received? Will we be total aliens in a familiar shell of ourselves? In past years I would probably be very worried about this and trying not to rock any boat too drastically but this time the only thing I thought and said was, “I know I’m not going to mesh with everyone the same way I did before leaving and I just have to know those who remain in my life will accept me for me, and me for them, and I’ll have a whole new world of possibilities of people who may enter my life and I know that some people will no longer fit within the realm of what I will have become.”

I believe that, truly and honestly, and just saying it makes me emotional and teary eyed, or maybe it’s because I’m listening to Brandi Carlile while I type and she pretty much always makes me cry. I’m not emotional because there is a threat of losing connections or connections shifting, I’m emotional because I know I’m just starting to really feel how much I’ve changed and I know I’m nowhere near done and it’s overwhelming. The love and support I’ve received from my loved ones since I left, in little notes, emails, tweets, ridiculously sweet facebook messages, gives me the extra boost of additional strength to know what I’m doing is the right thing. I know and will continue to tell myself that when I get home, and along this journey and path to only god knows where, I’ll be gifted with people who are beautiful, wonderful, enriching and in the end, if there ever really is an end, I’ll have friends who love and adore me exactly as I am and will support me in the positive and constructive ways, I know that my family will be with me through whatever I do and if it’s my sisters, they will be inquisitive, open and accepting (mom is just accepting). When the time is right and I am ready, I will find a gorgeous, loving partner who cherishes me, adores and worships the ground I walk upon (in a healthy way and all reciprocated of course), which we both really deserve because we’re both going to be the most awesomest people on this planet ;) We’ll support each other’s dreams and aspirations and will help each other evolve into the best person we can each be. If I know this person or these friends now or not, I don’t know. All of you could stick around, all of you may not, I may “rise in love” (as Roshan says) with a former lover or someone else may come along. I know the universe has been telling me repeatedly (it’s actually ridiculous how blatantly obvious it’s been) that I’m to do this journey on my own right now and not get distracted by pretty girls. HA! DAMN YOU UNIVERSE!! *shakes my fist at the universe* :) I have no expectations for how things are going to unfold and I’m not scared, I’m not filled with fear, I just know and trust that whatever is supposed to happen, wherever I’m supposed to be, whomever I’m supposed to be with and whomever I’m supposed to befriend will unfold as it should. In the meantime, I will do my best to live the most honest and fulfilling life throughout the process, being true to myself and to everyone I encounter.

For those who stick around and still dig me when I get back, I love the shit out of you, for those who won’t, I still love the shit out of you! May you all be happy and well… ;) (one of the Buddhist nuns says that after every time she screams obscenities at the crazed drivers in India).

With that, I go back to winning every game of FreeCell I play. Maybe I should eat…

Nah-MAS-tee Bitches!
Xxxo
Dirty

P.S. Is it really fucking August already?! Jesus! Oh and I felt like being reflective and actual shit about India will be in the upcoming days. :) Not sure this could really be called a travel blog though, considering I’m not traveling anywhere! I just decorated my room I’m staying in! ha!