Thursday, November 1, 2012

Impermanence


I lost a dear friend yesterday, Nate, my absolutely incredible personal training teacher.  It’s just a month away from what would have been his 38th birthday and he was the epitome of health and fitness when he developed a very rare form of cancer on his liver in 2011.  He’s been a fighter throughout and I was fortunate enough to have an opportunity to see him when I was visiting home, briefly, last year when he was in the hospital.  He was scared for the crazy crack heads but always joked that he felt safe with me because I was shameless, obnoxious and silly enough to *just maybe* scare them off to the other side of the street as we walked to the parking garage from class at night.  So, in the hospital, I gifted him a rape whistle for all of his walks through Downtown Seattle when I wasn’t there. Heh!  He was an excited guy, would jump up and down, shout, “BAM!” and “here’s a check, take that to the bank and cash it,” whenever he’d explain body movement and its ultimate impact on all the bodies functions.  He LOOOOOVED body movement, corrective exercises and I’m pretty sure he had a total man crush on Gray Cook’s brain.  The man ate, slept, dreamed and lived Kinesiology.  His energy seemed completely limitless, especially because he taught not only our night class, but the day class as well, created the entire curriculum himself (the man LOVED Powerpoint) AND lived in Olympia, which is a 1 hour drive from Seattle, and he was still bouncing all over that damn gym and classroom.  Everyone loved Nate… I know I know, everyone says that about someone whose physical being has left this earth but seriously, EVERYONE LOVED NATE!!  He smiled ALL the bloody time, would poke fun of us, support us, mentor us, and most of all, inspire everyone he came into contact with, in whatever way he touched them.  For me, I now have a passion for a more holistic approach to my fitness and it’s not about looking good, it’s about moving well and getting the body to functioning properly, first and foremost. My desire to work with the rowing and cross fit community, get them operating efficiently, effectively and PROPERLY is completely inspired by Nate and I will integrate everything he taught me into whatever I end up developing after all my years of self study and practice.  I swear half my hard drive is now Gray Cook videos, books and teachings and it’s all because of Nate.   He really was a true gem of a man and I’m so lucky our paths crossed.

I’ve been affected by lose since I was brought into the world.  My grandfather died when I was just 1, my closest grandmother when I was 7, one of my best friends was killed when I was 12, I’ve lost people due to drug overdoses, cancer, car accidents.  I don’t think it ever gets easier, at least, in the initial stages of discovery.  When I found out Emanuel, a dear friend from Lesotho, was killed in a head on collision, my knees instantly buckled and I dropped to the ground and sobbed uncontrollably and the same would’ve happened yesterday if I wasn’t already sitting on my bed, reading my facebook.  What’s interesting is this yogic path and the path of Vipassana, the paths of understanding the true nature of the universe, all come to death as an inevitable and yet it’s something we so often ignore or try to delay as much as possible.  The more I learn, the more I understand the more I grasp EVERYTHING is impermanent, from the delicious fruit salad that sits in front of me right now (NOMNOMNOM!!!), to this body that is typing these thoughts on Trixie, my laptop (yes, I named her).  Everything must end, everything must go, including me.
What I feared was going to happen during all this yoga practice and meditation was an apathy would consume me and I wouldn’t feel anymore.  If everything just goes away and I come closer and closer to fully grasping that, what the fuck’s the point?  Well, that hasn’t happened in the slightest.  If anything, I feel more now, but I’m aware of the feelings I have, I accept them and sometimes fully and I don’t try to fight them.  Right now, I feel like I’m on the brink of a flood of tears at any moment but I’m not trying to push them away, I’m not mad at myself for being in a funk this morning and missing my yoga practice, I understand that this is just what my body is sensing right now.  It’s feeling a funk and it’s feeling like it wants to cry but through that, it’s been forced to slow down and I’m being more mindful to see the light that surrounds it, that always surrounds it.  You can’t change what you feel, what you feel changes, when it’s ready to change.  I’m getting better at  being ok with that, I mean, really, I have to because I have no control and trying to control the uncontrollable just makes you fucking insane! Ha!  If you try to control something that is not, nor will ever be controllable, it consumes you, it becomes your everything, your obsession.  Whether it’s fighting the grief you feel for the loss of one who has died, the loss of a partner, the anger you have over what someone flippantly said to you… anything.  The more you fight, the more your body will hold onto the sensations that are driving those emotions and they’ll stay… a looong loooooong time.  The quicker you accept how you’re feeling, without judgment, the more you give it the space to be what it needs to be and flow how it needs to flow, the more it will flow down the river of perpetual emotions until you can’t see or sense it anymore, at least for that moment.

I’ve looked at the way things happened this morning as a gift, as I really should see every day, but things really didn’t go as planned.  I woke up with swollen eyes from extensive sobbing yesterday, nothing seemed to want to work properly, or at all, with my body, I was fumbling around, my mind wrapped up in a place that wasn’t anywhere close to an optimal state, my scooter was apparently channeling my vibe and didn’t want to start and by the time I finally made it to yoga, I got to the top of the stairs welcomed w/ the first “Om” of class and a locked door.  All I wanted was yoga to correct what I was feeling and I had just shut myself out of that opportunity by being tardy.  Commence deeper funk!  I’m not 100% positive but I’m pretty confident in thinking Nate’s passing has something to do with this and while I feel I know everyone has their expiration date and that I should accept that, my body isn’t done processing and feeling what it needs to feel.

What I’m trying to do more of now, while in these states, is either just give myself the complete space to do what I need to for the feelings to accomplish what they need or if I’m out in society, live in my present moment and not lose sight of where I am or what’s going on right now, while being aware of where I am inside and respect and honor that.  I could have very easily flown home without looking at anything and operated like a robot, which I’ve done more than countless times before.  I could distract myself with friends and get lost in conversations that would take me away from where I really am right now.  Instead I’m taking time for myself, slowing down, because that’s what I feel needs to happen right now and allowing the world to immerse me and be open to all that comes in my path.  The beauty that’s unfolded today has been indescribable, although I’ll try, and quite relevant to what I’m feeling.  Story, education time!

So in Mysore I’ve noticed these white, chalk like drawings that are at the entrance of every house and they are so beautiful and different and they are ALWAYS there.  One morning, while I was zooming to yoga, I saw a woman kneeling by a house and creating one of these lil ditties so I assumed she went from house-to-house and just did this, because it’s what she does.  I didn’t have the time to stop and ask, I just went on my merry way.  Today, my bummed out, funkdified self decided I just needed to go eat and while turning the bend down the street I saw a woman, Geeta, crouching by her front entrance creating one of these little pieces of art so I slammed on my breaks, rolled my scooter backwards and asked her if I could watch and she smiled and invited me to observe.  She has a little plastic container filled with chalk that is made from some sort of stone, which she wasn’t sure exactly what, that is crushed down and made into a fine powder.  Every morning, she washes clean the entry way, including the Rangoli (that’s what this thing is called) and she then references her sketch book of designs she has crafted and selects one for the day.  She takes little bits of the chalk and places little chalk dots, all equally spaced from the other, in various geometric shapes and then plays a curvy game of connect the dots, drawing out the design she has selected.  Her young daughter, Prutvi, stood over her pointing out spots that she missed.  In front of the houses, white is predominately used but she said that during celebrations or festivities, they also use color and the designs become ever more intricate but just as temporary.  Apparently there was a HUGE Rangoli competition at the Mysore Palace during Dasara and I’m bummed I missed it.  She said there is no spiritual significance to it, it’s just a traditional thing that people in South India do each day.  How incredible is that!?  They make something beautiful to welcome people to their home each day and the next morning, whatever creative art they made, they wash it away, start fresh and create something new… every day!   I thanked the ladies and their husband/father, Raj, for allowing me into their home to see their sketch book and share information with me and left for breakfast.

As I approached my breakfast place my friend Ravi scooted by me and we pulled off to the side of the road and I told him about my morning.  He gave his condolences and before we parted ways he said, “you know, this life is a cycle, your beautiful friend had accomplished in this world what he needed to and now it was time for him to go but all the wonderful things you learned from him, and lovely experiences you had, will live inside of you and everyone else he knew until your final days… but what he was put on this earth to do, he had accomplished.  We all must go, we all must leave this earth and it will happen when we have done what we’ve needed to do.  You do what’s best for you today, be shanti, and let yourself be where it is you need to be, don’t rush anything.”  Thank you Ravi, that was JUST what I needed to hear, even though deep down I knew it already, it was nice to have those words come from the mouth of a beautiful soul who I adore.

Gokulam and Mysore are like a mini US and I feel I’ve been swept into a routine and days slip through the cracks between my fingers.  Nate’s passing, this day, they both put me in check and made me realize how impermanent everything is, people, life, creations, feelings, emotions… they all serve a purpose and while we may not always know what that purpose is, everything has its purpose and when it’s been served, it goes away.  The art on the street washes down the hill into the grass, the feelings dissipate and evaporate into other feelings and sensations and this body, with each passing day, changes and morphs into something new and sometimes it transitions into its final day.  The fact everything changes doesn’t mean it’s any less beautiful, less special or less important to experience.  Nothing stays and everything goes but that’s not the point, the point is to enjoy it all while it’s there, while it’s with you, to accept it, all of it, as it is, to allow the greatness and beauty to soak into your being and let that carry you into the next moment.  Often times, you need to slow down to even realize the world, in all its impermanent glory, is filled with beauty.

The yoga store is open now so it’s time for me to get a Mysore rug, go home, put on some Zoe Keating, do some heart openers and sob like a baby, because that’s the space my being needs and that’s the space I’m going to create for it.

Be happy, be well and enjoy every teeny tiny moment and don’t let them slip through your existence lovies.

xxxox
j