I lost a dear friend yesterday, Nate, my absolutely incredible
personal training teacher. It’s just a
month away from what would have been his 38th birthday and he was
the epitome of health and fitness when he developed a very rare form of cancer
on his liver in 2011. He’s been a
fighter throughout and I was fortunate enough to have an opportunity to see him
when I was visiting home, briefly, last year when he was in the hospital. He was scared for the crazy crack heads but
always joked that he felt safe with me because I was shameless, obnoxious and
silly enough to *just maybe* scare them off to the other side of the street as
we walked to the parking garage from class at night. So, in the hospital, I gifted him a rape
whistle for all of his walks through Downtown Seattle when I wasn’t there.
Heh! He was an excited guy, would jump
up and down, shout, “BAM!” and “here’s a check, take that to the bank and cash
it,” whenever he’d explain body movement and its ultimate impact on all the
bodies functions. He LOOOOOVED body
movement, corrective exercises and I’m pretty sure he had a total man crush on
Gray Cook’s brain. The man ate, slept,
dreamed and lived Kinesiology. His
energy seemed completely limitless, especially because he taught not only our
night class, but the day class as well, created the entire curriculum himself
(the man LOVED Powerpoint) AND lived in Olympia, which is a 1 hour drive from
Seattle, and he was still bouncing all over that damn gym and classroom. Everyone loved Nate… I know I know, everyone
says that about someone whose physical being has left this earth but seriously,
EVERYONE LOVED NATE!! He smiled ALL the
bloody time, would poke fun of us, support us, mentor us, and most of all,
inspire everyone he came into contact with, in whatever way he touched
them. For me, I now have a passion for a
more holistic approach to my fitness and it’s not about looking good, it’s
about moving well and getting the body to functioning properly, first and
foremost. My desire to work with the rowing and cross fit community, get them
operating efficiently, effectively and PROPERLY is completely inspired by Nate
and I will integrate everything he taught me into whatever I end up developing
after all my years of self study and practice.
I swear half my hard drive is now Gray Cook videos, books and teachings
and it’s all because of Nate. He really
was a true gem of a man and I’m so lucky our paths crossed.
I’ve been affected by lose since I was brought into the
world. My grandfather died when I was
just 1, my closest grandmother when I was 7, one of my best friends was killed
when I was 12, I’ve lost people due to drug overdoses, cancer, car
accidents. I don’t think it ever gets
easier, at least, in the initial stages of discovery. When I found out Emanuel, a dear friend from
Lesotho, was killed in a head on collision, my knees instantly buckled and I
dropped to the ground and sobbed uncontrollably and the same would’ve happened
yesterday if I wasn’t already sitting on my bed, reading my facebook. What’s interesting is this yogic path and the
path of Vipassana, the paths of understanding the true nature of the universe,
all come to death as an inevitable and yet it’s something we so often ignore or
try to delay as much as possible. The
more I learn, the more I understand the more I grasp EVERYTHING is impermanent,
from the delicious fruit salad that sits in front of me right now
(NOMNOMNOM!!!), to this body that is typing these thoughts on Trixie, my laptop
(yes, I named her). Everything must end,
everything must go, including me.
What I feared was going to happen during all this yoga
practice and meditation was an apathy would consume me and I wouldn’t feel
anymore. If everything just goes away
and I come closer and closer to fully grasping that, what the fuck’s the
point? Well, that hasn’t happened in the
slightest. If anything, I feel more now,
but I’m aware of the feelings I have, I accept them and sometimes fully and I
don’t try to fight them. Right now, I
feel like I’m on the brink of a flood of tears at any moment but I’m not trying
to push them away, I’m not mad at myself for being in a funk this morning and
missing my yoga practice, I understand that this is just what my body is
sensing right now. It’s feeling a funk
and it’s feeling like it wants to cry but through that, it’s been forced to
slow down and I’m being more mindful to see the light that surrounds it, that
always surrounds it. You can’t change
what you feel, what you feel changes, when it’s ready to change. I’m getting better at being ok with that, I mean, really, I have to because
I have no control and trying to control the uncontrollable just makes you
fucking insane! Ha! If you try to
control something that is not, nor will ever be controllable, it consumes you,
it becomes your everything, your obsession.
Whether it’s fighting the grief you feel for the loss of one who has
died, the loss of a partner, the anger you have over what someone flippantly
said to you… anything. The more you
fight, the more your body will hold onto the sensations that are driving those
emotions and they’ll stay… a looong loooooong time. The quicker you accept how you’re feeling,
without judgment, the more you give it the space to be what it needs to be and
flow how it needs to flow, the more it will flow down the river of perpetual emotions
until you can’t see or sense it anymore, at least for that moment.
I’ve looked at the way things happened this morning as a
gift, as I really should see every day, but things really didn’t go as
planned. I woke up with swollen eyes
from extensive sobbing yesterday, nothing seemed to want to work properly, or
at all, with my body, I was fumbling around, my mind wrapped up in a place that
wasn’t anywhere close to an optimal state, my scooter was apparently channeling
my vibe and didn’t want to start and by the time I finally made it to yoga, I
got to the top of the stairs welcomed w/ the first “Om” of class and a locked
door. All I wanted was yoga to correct
what I was feeling and I had just shut myself out of that opportunity by being
tardy. Commence deeper funk! I’m not 100% positive but I’m pretty
confident in thinking Nate’s passing has something to do with this and while I
feel I know everyone has their expiration date and that I should accept that,
my body isn’t done processing and feeling what it needs to feel.
What I’m trying to do more of now, while in these states, is
either just give myself the complete space to do what I need to for the
feelings to accomplish what they need or if I’m out in society, live in my
present moment and not lose sight of where I am or what’s going on right now,
while being aware of where I am inside and respect and honor that. I could have very easily flown home without
looking at anything and operated like a robot, which I’ve done more than
countless times before. I could distract
myself with friends and get lost in conversations that would take me away from
where I really am right now. Instead I’m
taking time for myself, slowing down, because that’s what I feel needs to
happen right now and allowing the world to immerse me and be open to all that
comes in my path. The beauty that’s
unfolded today has been indescribable, although I’ll try, and quite relevant to
what I’m feeling. Story, education time!
So in Mysore I’ve noticed these white, chalk like drawings
that are at the entrance of every house and they are so beautiful and different
and they are ALWAYS there. One morning,
while I was zooming to yoga, I saw a woman kneeling by a house and creating one
of these lil ditties so I assumed she went from house-to-house and just did
this, because it’s what she does. I didn’t
have the time to stop and ask, I just went on my merry way. Today, my bummed out, funkdified self decided
I just needed to go eat and while turning the bend down the street I saw a
woman, Geeta, crouching by her front entrance creating one of these little
pieces of art so I slammed on my breaks, rolled my scooter backwards and asked
her if I could watch and she smiled and invited me to observe. She has a little plastic container filled
with chalk that is made from some sort of stone, which she wasn’t sure exactly
what, that is crushed down and made into a fine powder. Every morning, she washes clean the entry
way, including the Rangoli (that’s what this thing is called) and she then
references her sketch book of designs she has crafted and selects one for the
day. She takes little bits of the chalk
and places little chalk dots, all equally spaced from the other, in various
geometric shapes and then plays a curvy game of connect the dots, drawing out
the design she has selected. Her young daughter,
Prutvi, stood over her pointing out spots that she missed. In front of the houses, white is
predominately used but she said that during celebrations or festivities, they also
use color and the designs become ever more intricate but just as temporary. Apparently there was a HUGE Rangoli
competition at the Mysore Palace during Dasara and I’m bummed I missed it. She said there is no spiritual significance
to it, it’s just a traditional thing that people in South India do each
day. How incredible is that!? They make something beautiful to welcome
people to their home each day and the next morning, whatever creative art they
made, they wash it away, start fresh and create something new… every day! I thanked the ladies and their
husband/father, Raj, for allowing me into their home to see their sketch book
and share information with me and left for breakfast.
As I approached my breakfast place my friend Ravi scooted by
me and we pulled off to the side of the road and I told him about my
morning. He gave his condolences and
before we parted ways he said, “you know, this life is a cycle, your beautiful
friend had accomplished in this world what he needed to and now it was time for
him to go but all the wonderful things you learned from him, and lovely
experiences you had, will live inside of you and everyone else he knew until
your final days… but what he was put on this earth to do, he had accomplished. We all must go, we all must leave this earth
and it will happen when we have done what we’ve needed to do. You do what’s best for you today, be shanti,
and let yourself be where it is you need to be, don’t rush anything.” Thank you Ravi, that was JUST what I needed
to hear, even though deep down I knew it already, it was nice to have those
words come from the mouth of a beautiful soul who I adore.
Gokulam and Mysore are like a mini US and I feel I’ve been
swept into a routine and days slip through the cracks between my fingers. Nate’s passing, this day, they both put me in
check and made me realize how impermanent everything is, people, life, creations,
feelings, emotions… they all serve a purpose and while we may not always know
what that purpose is, everything has its purpose and when it’s been served, it
goes away. The art on the street washes
down the hill into the grass, the feelings dissipate and evaporate into other
feelings and sensations and this body, with each passing day, changes and
morphs into something new and sometimes it transitions into its final day. The fact everything changes doesn’t mean it’s
any less beautiful, less special or less important to experience. Nothing stays and everything goes but that’s
not the point, the point is to enjoy it all while it’s there, while it’s with
you, to accept it, all of it, as it is, to allow the greatness and beauty to
soak into your being and let that carry you into the next moment. Often times, you need to slow down to even
realize the world, in all its impermanent glory, is filled with beauty.
The yoga store is open now so it’s time for me to get a
Mysore rug, go home, put on some Zoe Keating, do some heart openers and sob
like a baby, because that’s the space my being needs and that’s the space I’m
going to create for it.
Be happy, be well and enjoy every teeny tiny moment and don’t
let them slip through your existence lovies.
xxxox
j
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