Alone

“We’re born alone and we die alone.”  I’ve heard a number of people say this in some form or fashion, usually when dealing with feeling lonely and grappling with a loss of some sort, usually in the way of a love but sometimes in friendship and family.  I don’t think it’s accurate or true.  When we’re born, it’s usually into the arms of a person and then immediately wrapped and handed to the arms of the mother to commence the outward bonding.  When we die, who knows who’s going to be with us.   Sometimes at the bedside rests all those nearest and dearest holding onto a piece of the person to feel that final moment of connection and other times, like with one of my grandmothers, it’s alone, in your trailer, not to be found until 2 weeks later when someone breaks down the door.  What I find more accurate to say and what I have said, not sure where I got it, if from anywhere, is “the only person you are guaranteed to wake with every morning of your life, is you.”

Traveling, or as I like to call it, “living abroad like a gypsy,” forces you to put a different perspective on the idea of being alone.  People on holiday travel with partners, sometimes in packs and HORDES, travelers, for the most part, are alone in their journey.  When they wake in the morning, the first thought that comes to mind is “what am *I* going to do today?”  Often times you meet like minded, like missioned people and connect for portions of the then, mutual journey but there is always a parting when someone wants to stay around and twirl in the sky a bit longer and the other wants to head to a different play ground to try some different yoga.  It happens, ALL THE TIME. It’s rarely a dramatic departure, tears are not usually shed, hearts do not ache, new friends are missed but the next day comes and more journey’s and new friends await.  For a society that is bread to attach themselves to anything and everything that comes into our reach and be devastated during the process of detachment, this whole process is a completely foreign concept. 

I come from a broken family where my father left us, gradually but left us nonetheless, by the time I was twelve.  My youngest sister and I have since decided this was actually a blessing in disguise, at least I know for me.  If I had to go through my teenage years fearing constant ridicule every time a word came out of my mouth, the painfully sarcastic cut downs and when I stood up for myself, the punishment of equally painful smacks to the ass that would leave welts and a hand print for days, I may have never broken from my practically debilitating shyness, especially since what helped break my shyness was my introduction to Boones Farm Fuzzy Navel and warm Budweiser in the can at the age of 15.  Something tells me my ridiculously angry and controlling father wouldn’t have allowed me to leave the house once I got to high school so there would’ve been NO BOONES!  Oh the death of me!  Also, if he HAD stayed and my mom didn’t divorce him  who knows what sort of perspective I’d have on what a relationship looks like, but I can’t imagine it would’ve been pretty, so instead, I came out stubbornly independent WITH some of the typical pitfalls of a person dealing with “abandonment issues.”  Attaching to things that I find to be good and clinging onto them for dear life, nails and all, usually sucking any energy out of them, has historically been a norm.  Not to mention the debilitating devastation that follows when things do not work out, with either a lover or a friend.  There was a time when lots of things were debilitating to me, apparently.  This was me, five years ago.  I held onto things just for the sake of holding on, even if I knew it wasn’t good or healthy.  I would worry for days why people weren’t calling me back and stress that I had done something to drive them away.  Me and that time in my life were disgusting, don’t think for a second I thought any of it was good.  I just didn’t know what to do.

Well, I grew, is what I did.  In the recent years I’ve seen all of my friendships around the world become completely fluid where sometimes I’m hanging out with group A a lot and rarely see B, C, D, etc and then other times it shifts.  Sometimes I’m more interested in group dynamics and sometimes just one-on-one.  I don’t even really think about this stuff, I just let it all be and everything ebbs and flows as it should.  I never sit there and over think why I’m not seeing or speaking so much of a certain person and I would like to hope my friends do the same.  There was actually an article in the New York Times, a few weeks ago, written for people who sit there and toil over their friendships and I found it to be the most ridiculous article ever, mostly because it didn’t just focus on letting things BE.  If I sat here in India and wondered why so-and-so wasn’t messaging me as much as we used to, I’d drive myself nuts.  This transition over the years has prepared me well for the comings and goings of the friends I’ve met on the road.  That obnoxious guy from LA I mentioned in my last blog said to me once, “eh, what’s the point of establishing anything while you’re traveling, everyone leaves, none of this is forever.”  I then asked him, “is ANYTHING forever?  Don’t all people leave, at some point?”  It’s not something I say with an air of pessimism either, it’s just the reality.  Lives change, people change, goals change, motivations change, locations change, lives end, people and the lives they live are not static, they are very much dynamic, every instant of every day.  It doesn’t make any of my relationships at home any less important because we don’t see each other or talk to each other often, and the relationships I develop while abroad are no less significant in my life because they aren’t as long standing and may not have as much face time.  There are a few people who I’ve met over the last year who I feel know me better than and I know them better than some of the friends I’ve had for years back in Seattle.  It’s also ok that some friendships I have in Seattle haven’t gotten deeper, if they are supposed to, they will.  My friend Dominic, who I fucking adore the shit out of, said something to this effect at a table of people as we were leaving our yoga TTC last July, “if I never see any of you again, I won’t be sad.  I’m ok with it because I know that the time we shared together here, we each enhanced each other’s lives and we each contributed what we were supposed to during this time.  If I do see you again, all the better but our time together the last 6 weeks has been beautiful and I’m happy you were all a part of it.”  I think back to this quite often, like when I said good bye to a love when I knew it wasn’t right, not at that moment anyway, and when I say good bye to a friend I’ve seen every day for the last 2 months.  Being a live abroad gypsy and well, let’s be honest, my intensive yoga studies, have helped immensely with grappling with attachment and how to lessen its impact.  It’s a very freeing thing to be “detached” not apathetic, just not clinging.  I know all the people in my life are amazing, in whatever capacity we are together and the time we share is always cherished, regardless of the duration and there are no expectations for the future, ever, at least on my end.  I won’t say there aren’t hopes because I’ll be damned if I don’t hope I see some of my friends again but if we never do, I’m not going to be heartbroken because they were a wonderful addition while they were in my life.

Many people attach to other people, some attach to materials things, some to ideals, ideas or opinions, some to their own body or image of their body, some to expectations, some to life, some people attach to everything and a majority of the time, we attach to things we feel fills a void within ourselves.  Attachment is just a feeling of possession of anything that isn’t us, that we can’t control and since we can’t control it, doesn’t it seem silly to get attached to it. The cycle is vicious because we find something, feel like we’re complete because we found it, that thing goes away and we feel incomplete again so we go and seek something else that will be our next missing puzzle piece.  Because that thing, whether it a person, possession, job, etc, makes us feel happy or elated and when it goes away we feel sad, we attribute our happiness to whatever it was we attained, but it’s always fleeting, always temporary and never permanent.  Everything we need, EVERYTHING, is all within us and there is no need to look elsewhere to make us feel complete.  Just read Shel Silverstein’s The Missing Piece Meets the Big O (I thought it was about an orgasm and it’s not, just a warning so you aren’t disappointed like I was) and he covers it in very simple terms, in regards to relationships but I think it can be equally transferable to anything we seek in trying to make us feel complete. As much as I thought that bizarre tantra yoga teacher last year from Israel was a kook he did say something I thought was lovely about women: “When you’re single, be happy, when you meet a woman, be happy, when the woman goes away remain happy.  Happiness is not in the form of another person, happiness is you.”  This was just before he told me to drink my own menstrual blood and that of my now former lady friend.  Just like every other teacher, take the things you like, leave the things you don’t.  I’ll let you speculate which of that I left and which of that I took. Ha!

Detaching from the expectation that anything in this world will make you happy is empowering because you really begin to understand all you need is yourself and then it becomes clear that being alone is a state of being while being lonely is just a state of mind.  Any state of mind is easily changed as soon as you change your attitude about it.  Traveling alone makes you aware of this, whether consciously or not, every day you wake and usually it’s the most amazing feeling, so free, vibrant and wonderful, EVER.  All that said, it’s not always easy as I learned recently.  Even after all the progress I feel I’ve made with having a healthy relationship with attachment and detachment there are those times when faced with your own personal crisis when all you crave is the comfort of familiar arms and a shoulder to cry on.  When you’re half way around the world and away from all the people who know you almost as well as you know yourself, it’s HARD!   A picture of a virtual hug and an hour+ of text messaging helps but when you put the phone down and look around, there is a moment when you see yourself surrounded by people but feel completely alone.  At that very moment you can either feel lonely in despair or instead know that whatever you need, whatever answers you seek, will come from within, in due time, when they are ready and able to reveal themselves.  If you’re aware, listen and pay attention to yourself, you find all the answers you need. I’m still seeking some answers, I don’t have them all, I’ve had a rather emotionally rough week but I know everything will be ok, with me, with those I love, with those involved either now or in the future.  While outside support is not necessary it’s always greatly appreciated in whatever capacity, but as long as you let go and detach from all expectations all the strength, courage, motivation, determination, love, vision, happiness and peace you need in this world will be found where it has been the entire time, in you.

One of these days I’ll tell you about why I actually love Arambol… if this damn introspection will ever cease! J 

Xxxox

Always Bruised and Always Dirty!