Addicted to Love

I just woke up and looked at the screen they have imbedded into the bulk head wall, the one at the far end of the plane, and saw the little plane hovering somewhere over the south end of Alaska.  This is the very first time in my life I’ve actually flown this direction and to pretend it’s dark somewhere in the world, every single window shade hides the sun that won’t disappear the entire time we’ll be in flight for my first leg of travel.  I ate airplane beef for lunch, which was a bad plan, but hey, if I can’t eat it for the next 6 months, may as well get a little taste of it for the last time; although, I’d prefer it in the form of a Zippy’s No. 11 Burger.

Before I really get this blog resurrected and embrace the experience and adventure I’m about to dabble, I feel it necessary to reflect on the past few months.  After all, my original plan was to head to Rishikesh, India in April but while in Africa in January, I thought it wise to take 3 months to prep for this trip versus 3 weeks.  I can’t even begin to tell you how much happened in those 3 months, but I’m going to try.

Last year I made some difficult decisions.  I chose to get laid off from a cushy job, where I excelled and got paid a ridiculous amount of money all for the sake of getting out of the grasp of a life I never wanted to live.  Living each day, with the expectation my work, which was by no means a passion, would be my life, was too much to take so I thanked them for eliminating a position I thoroughly enjoyed, while not my dream, and for the offer to take the newly created position that would encase the work of 3 people and said, “I’ll take the severance, please and thank you.”  I made the choice to let go of my house, which really was no longer a choice since I was no longer employed.  3 ½ years ago I was a single 27 year old woman who had a successful career and just purchased a house and 6 months after doing so, felt suffocated by the fact I would never be able to live out my dreams now that I succeeded in attaining the “American Dream.”  That was all last year.

The day after I was supposed to leave for this trip, April 3, I got into a bad car accident, which left me with drastically reduced range of motion through my spine, a concussion that rendered me unable to function properly for a week and a half, a slight lazy eye and my beloved car, the only possession I saw as a vehicle of memories more than a vehicle, was completely totaled.  Thank you 23 year old kid from Federal Way for thinking you could turn in front of me!  I’ve spent the last 8 weeks seeing the chiropractor and massage therapist a few times a week, which seems awesome but when I’m in yoga and can’t do upward dog anymore and have to stick to low cobra, it sucks, especially when my upcoming trip is a spiritual/physical journey deeper into yoga.  I hired an attorney for the first time, I caught Progressive in lies (yes I just called them out by name) and it’s basically been a pain and I’m not sure how people with jobs actually get through stuff like this because it was a part and sometimes full time job!  This made me officially jobless, homeless and now carless!  My sister asked me on the phone, “wow, so now that you have nothing most people find some way to make their identity, how does it feel?”  I miss Jezebel more than my job or house but it’s pretty liberating, to say the least.  My friends were and continued to be AMAZING through the whole situation - giving me rides when I was concussed, watching me to make sure I wouldn't die (being a bit dramatic :) and even lending me their car to use.  I love the people in my life!

TB scare, weeks before I was supposed to leave.  I got tested and no TB, thank god.  I now have to get paps every 6 months due to abnormalities that were found and I had my first round of biopsies ever.  Those SUCKED by the way!  They were rather inconclusive but I’m not worried about anything right now but I’m armed w/ some of my medical records in my bag and will need to seek care in Thailand and hope for the best.

Remember that blog from my last trip about me living in the moment?  I think I titled it 3:40am or something.  That was challenged more than ever in the last few months as I fell completely and totally in love with the most amazingly strong, intelligent, driven, passionate, caring, self aware, thoughtful, nurturing, energetic, ridiculously talented woman on the face of the planet, who also sings Florence and the Machine’s rendition of Addicted to Love in her sleep, out loud.  HA!  Talk about awesome sleep talking  =D I will continue to have Pavlovian responses to Florence and the Machine for the remainder of my life because of this woman.  Leave it to me to fall in love with someone when I’m leaving.  I had to remember why I was doing this trip and while 1/3 of the initial reason was to “run” from another memory, because let’s face it, it’s really easy to say, “I don’t care what happens because I’m leaving,” the other 2/3 of the reason were because I’ve ALWAYS wanted to do this and I really wanted to spend a considerable amount of time challenging myself and my comfort for the sake of learning about myself.  From the beginning we both had to remind each other “live in the moment, enjoy this moment, I’m here right now,” but as the days faded away, flooded in smiles and laughter, it got more difficult.  She and I are both transitioning in a really big way right now and we both have our things to take care of but I trust, I really do, that if we are meant to stay together, if we’re meant to work it will, regardless of time or distance.  I haven’t felt such a healthy, love from someone so supportive and emotionally intelligent… ever.  My ideas of love have morphed as I’ve grown older and I know true love doesn’t need to be reciprocated and part of loving is caring deeply for someone but letting them go when it’s not the time or it isn’t right or in this case, when you know she has things to figure out and I have things I need to experience.  Historically, she’s been in open relationships, which is what she was in when we started dating, and that’s still something I don’t think I have the capability of having but during my time away, I am going to take some time to learn more about them and the dynamics.  I know I just want the best for her and I will support her in quest for happiness and fulfillment, as hard as it is to do from so far away, and I have no doubt she will do the same for me.  It’s truly amazing being with someone where words don’t need to be spoken, action after action say what’s needed and I left a big part of my heart on the sidewalk in Cap Hill when I dropped her off today.   I really do hope she can manage to meet me in Thailand.  *le sigh*  I love you Finn von Claret!

I’m realizing part of this process is learning to find the balance with my 2 life goals – surrounding myself with people who I love and adore and experiencing everything this world has to offer.  From leaving my adorable 6 month old nephew and the rest of my family, to my friends and to Girl Finn, there is a balance somewhere between the two and I will find out what that is, or at least begin the process of learning where it is.  Saying “good bye” has been difficult but I know I can come home whenever I want and I know I’m so fortunate to have the most amazing people in my life who support me in everything I want to do or not do.  I love you all and for now, signing into my blog for the remainder of my journey to self, wellness, adventure and whatever else life chooses to throw at me while I’m away.  I will miss each and every one of you!  I will NOT miss the phrase, “CAN YOU EAT THAT IN INDIA?!” followed by nomming on everything in sight. ;)

So with a bittersweet departure, I leave my home, for an undetermined amount of time, and I’m ready to embrace everything in my path, the people, the easy and hard lessons, the culture, the food, and myself.  Here’s to living the dream!

Nah-mast-ee bitches,

Dirty, extra bruised

p.s. I REALLY hope I don’t live up to my blog’s name this round of travel like I did when I was in Africa.  Srsly!

p.p.s. I just went to the bathroom and saw I put my yoga pants on backwards this morning!  OMG!  Can you tell how with it I was today?!