Impermanence

I lost a dear friend yesterday, Nate, my absolutely incredible personal training teacher.  It’s just a month away from what would have been his 38^th birthday and he was the epitome of health and fitness when he developed a very rare form of cancer on his liver in 2011.  He’s been a fighter throughout and I was fortunate enough to have an opportunity to see him when I was visiting home, briefly, last year when he was in the hospital.  He was scared for the crazy crack heads but always joked that he felt safe with me because I was shameless, obnoxious and silly enough to *just maybe* scare them off to the other side of the street as we walked to the parking garage from class at night.  So, in the hospital, I gifted him a rape whistle for all of his walks through Downtown Seattle when I wasn’t there. Heh!  He was an excited guy, would jump up and down, shout, “BAM!” and “here’s a check, take that to the bank and cash it,” whenever he’d explain body movement and its ultimate impact on all the bodies functions.  He LOOOOOVED body movement, corrective exercises and I’m pretty sure he had a total man crush on Gray Cook’s brain.  The man ate, slept, dreamed and lived Kinesiology.  His energy seemed completely limitless, especially because he taught not only our night class, but the day class as well, created the entire curriculum himself (the man LOVED Powerpoint) AND lived in Olympia, which is a 1 hour drive from Seattle, and he was still bouncing all over that damn gym and classroom.  Everyone loved Nate… I know I know, everyone says that about someone whose physical being has left this earth but seriously, EVERYONE LOVED NATE!!  He smiled ALL the bloody time, would poke fun of us, support us, mentor us, and most of all, inspire everyone he came into contact with, in whatever way he touched them.  For me, I now have a passion for a more holistic approach to my fitness and it’s not about looking good, it’s about moving well and getting the body to functioning properly, first and foremost. My desire to work with the rowing and cross fit community, get them operating efficiently, effectively and PROPERLY is completely inspired by Nate and I will integrate everything he taught me into whatever I end up developing after all my years of self study and practice.  I swear half my hard drive is now Gray Cook videos, books and teachings and it’s all because of Nate.   He really was a true gem of a man and I’m so lucky our paths crossed.

I’ve been affected by lose since I was brought into the world.  My grandfather died when I was just 1, my closest grandmother when I was 7, one of my best friends was killed when I was 12, I’ve lost people due to drug overdoses, cancer, car accidents.  I don’t think it ever gets easier, at least, in the initial stages of discovery.  When I found out Emanuel, a dear friend from Lesotho, was killed in a head on collision, my knees instantly buckled and I dropped to the ground and sobbed uncontrollably and the same would’ve happened yesterday if I wasn’t already sitting on my bed, reading my facebook.  What’s interesting is this yogic path and the path of Vipassana, the paths of understanding the true nature of the universe, all come to death as an inevitable and yet it’s something we so often ignore or try to delay as much as possible.  The more I learn, the more I understand the more I grasp EVERYTHING is impermanent, from the delicious fruit salad that sits in front of me right now (NOMNOMNOM!!!), to this body that is typing these thoughts on Trixie, my laptop (yes, I named her).  Everything must end, everything must go, including me.

What I feared was going to happen during all this yoga practice and meditation was an apathy would consume me and I wouldn’t feel anymore.  If everything just goes away and I come closer and closer to fully grasping that, what the fuck’s the point?  Well, that hasn’t happened in the slightest.  If anything, I feel more now, but I’m aware of the feelings I have, I accept them and sometimes fully and I don’t try to fight them.  Right now, I feel like I’m on the brink of a flood of tears at any moment but I’m not trying to push them away, I’m not mad at myself for being in a funk this morning and missing my yoga practice, I understand that this is just what my body is sensing right now.  It’s feeling a funk and it’s feeling like it wants to cry but through that, it’s been forced to slow down and I’m being more mindful to see the light that surrounds it, that always surrounds it.  You can’t change what you feel, what you feel changes, when it’s ready to change.  I’m getting better at  being ok with that, I mean, really, I have to because I have no control and trying to control the uncontrollable just makes you fucking insane! Ha!  If you try to control something that is not, nor will ever be controllable, it consumes you, it becomes your everything, your obsession.  Whether it’s fighting the grief you feel for the loss of one who has died, the loss of a partner, the anger you have over what someone flippantly said to you… anything.  The more you fight, the more your body will hold onto the sensations that are driving those emotions and they’ll stay… a looong loooooong time.  The quicker you accept how you’re feeling, without judgment, the more you give it the space to be what it needs to be and flow how it needs to flow, the more it will flow down the river of perpetual emotions until you can’t see or sense it anymore, at least for that moment.

I’ve looked at the way things happened this morning as a gift, as I really should see every day, but things really didn’t go as planned.  I woke up with swollen eyes from extensive sobbing yesterday, nothing seemed to want to work properly, or at all, with my body, I was fumbling around, my mind wrapped up in a place that wasn’t anywhere close to an optimal state, my scooter was apparently channeling my vibe and didn’t want to start and by the time I finally made it to yoga, I got to the top of the stairs welcomed w/ the first “Om” of class and a locked door.  All I wanted was yoga to correct what I was feeling and I had just shut myself out of that opportunity by being tardy.  Commence deeper funk!  I’m not 100% positive but I’m pretty confident in thinking Nate’s passing has something to do with this and while I feel I know everyone has their expiration date and that I should accept that, my body isn’t done processing and feeling what it needs to feel.

What I’m trying to do more of now, while in these states, is either just give myself the complete space to do what I need to for the feelings to accomplish what they need or if I’m out in society, live in my present moment and not lose sight of where I am or what’s going on right now, while being aware of where I am inside and respect and honor that.  I could have very easily flown home without looking at anything and operated like a robot, which I’ve done more than countless times before.  I could distract myself with friends and get lost in conversations that would take me away from where I really am right now.  Instead I’m taking time for myself, slowing down, because that’s what I feel needs to happen right now and allowing the world to immerse me and be open to all that comes in my path.  The beauty that’s unfolded today has been indescribable, although I’ll try, and quite relevant to what I’m feeling.  Story, education time!

So in Mysore I’ve noticed these white, chalk like drawings that are at the entrance of every house and they are so beautiful and different and they are ALWAYS there.  One morning, while I was zooming to yoga, I saw a woman kneeling by a house and creating one of these lil ditties so I assumed she went from house-to-house and just did this, because it’s what she does.  I didn’t have the time to stop and ask, I just went on my merry way.  Today, my bummed out, funkdified self decided I just needed to go eat and while turning the bend down the street I saw a woman, Geeta, crouching by her front entrance creating one of these little pieces of art so I slammed on my breaks, rolled my scooter backwards and asked her if I could watch and she smiled and invited me to observe.  She has a little plastic container filled with chalk that is made from some sort of stone, which she wasn’t sure exactly what, that is crushed down and made into a fine powder.  Every morning, she washes clean the entry way, including the Rangoli (that’s what this thing is called) and she then references her sketch book of designs she has crafted and selects one for the day.  She takes little bits of the chalk and places little chalk dots, all equally spaced from the other, in various geometric shapes and then plays a curvy game of connect the dots, drawing out the design she has selected.  Her young daughter, Prutvi, stood over her pointing out spots that she missed.  In front of the houses, white is predominately used but she said that during celebrations or festivities, they also use color and the designs become ever more intricate but just as temporary.  Apparently there was a HUGE Rangoli competition at the Mysore Palace during Dasara and I’m bummed I missed it.  She said there is no spiritual significance to it, it’s just a traditional thing that people in South India do each day.  How incredible is that!?  They make something beautiful to welcome people to their home each day and the next morning, whatever creative art they made, they wash it away, start fresh and create something new… every day!   I thanked the ladies and their husband/father, Raj, for allowing me into their home to see their sketch book and share information with me and left for breakfast.

As I approached my breakfast place my friend Ravi scooted by me and we pulled off to the side of the road and I told him about my morning.  He gave his condolences and before we parted ways he said, “you know, this life is a cycle, your beautiful friend had accomplished in this world what he needed to and now it was time for him to go but all the wonderful things you learned from him, and lovely experiences you had, will live inside of you and everyone else he knew until your final days… but what he was put on this earth to do, he had accomplished.  We all must go, we all must leave this earth and it will happen when we have done what we’ve needed to do.  You do what’s best for you today, be shanti, and let yourself be where it is you need to be, don’t rush anything.”  Thank you Ravi, that was JUST what I needed to hear, even though deep down I knew it already, it was nice to have those words come from the mouth of a beautiful soul who I adore.

Gokulam and Mysore are like a mini US and I feel I’ve been swept into a routine and days slip through the cracks between my fingers.  Nate’s passing, this day, they both put me in check and made me realize how impermanent everything is, people, life, creations, feelings, emotions… they all serve a purpose and while we may not always know what that purpose is, everything has its purpose and when it’s been served, it goes away.  The art on the street washes down the hill into the grass, the feelings dissipate and evaporate into other feelings and sensations and this body, with each passing day, changes and morphs into something new and sometimes it transitions into its final day.  The fact everything changes doesn’t mean it’s any less beautiful, less special or less important to experience.  Nothing stays and everything goes but that’s not the point, the point is to enjoy it all while it’s there, while it’s with you, to accept it, all of it, as it is, to allow the greatness and beauty to soak into your being and let that carry you into the next moment.  Often times, you need to slow down to even realize the world, in all its impermanent glory, is filled with beauty.

The yoga store is open now so it’s time for me to get a Mysore rug, go home, put on some Zoe Keating, do some heart openers and sob like a baby, because that’s the space my being needs and that’s the space I’m going to create for it.

Be happy, be well and enjoy every teeny tiny moment and don’t let them slip through your existence lovies.

xxxox

j

Vipassana

You know, it’s been just over a full year since I did my first Vipassana and in 53 weeks, I managed to do 4 of these suckers and I’ve written almost nothing about what it is.  It’s had such a drastically profound impact on my life and it’s something I never expected would yield the results that it has.  Seriously… I’m perpetually blown away by what living in silence and sitting for 10 ½ hours a day, not to mention the continued daily practice, just observing the sensations in your body, can do for your mental and emotional state.  So I want to give ya’ll, whomever is interested, a little lesson in what a S.N. Goenka 10-day Vipassana course is all about and what you do.  Even with reading about it you’ll have NO IDEA what it REALLY is until you do one yourself.  I read an entire book, written by one of his students in partnership with Goenka, on what it was before I ever went and I was still completely unprepared for what I was getting myself into… not in a bad way, just in a “oh my holy good god, wtf is THIS?!” kinda way. J  I have NO idea how long this will be so bear with me ;)

My Own Transformations

I guess these are why I feel it’s important to actually put this info out there for whomever may want to read it.  I actually believe to my core, that it’s possible Buddha existed and that many buddhas have existed in the past an in the present and will in the future and it’s because I, myself, have already witnessed such immense changes in myself.  Take what yoga did to me over the course of a few years and increase the benefit exponentially and in a drastically reduced time and THAT is what Vipassana has done for me.  Had I known THIS is what meditation was capable of doing, I could have saved myself thousands of dollars in therapy and tons of heartache and dissatisfaction with life.  I guess I wasn’t ready for it earlier though and I’m thankful it HAS come into my existence.  So here are some ways I’ve changed:

• I’m more patient and easy going.  I don’t freak out if things don’t go my way anymore. 
• I’m way less of a control freak
• Increased desire to listen and not just talk
• Less desire to spout my opinion about things and what others are doing 
• Ask more mindful and thoughtful questions to try to understand where someone else is at and help them understand themselves
• More accepting and understanding of others and myself.  Even when I don’t understand, I’m more prone to accept
• Way more compassionate
• I realized there is NO such thing as multi-tasking, only fraction-tasking and it's way less fulfilling than single tasking.  I also don't see "multi-tasking" as a good thing anymore.
• More flexible and understanding with shifts in my life and the people in it
• I enjoy each and every single bite of food I eat, well... almost... gettin there anyway
• More genuine, unconditional love for myself and others
• Greatly enhanced awareness.  I’m still a total pain in the ass at times but I recognize it almost immediately and either rectify or smooth things over as soon as I’m a douche or even stop myself before I’m a total bitch. J  My mom is grateful for this! Haha
• Present moment awareness is way more present in my life
• Happy for no damn good reason
• More of a selfless giver
• More appreciative of the time I have and what I do with it but I don't feel the need to always be DOING something.  I'm totally content staring at the clouds and immersing myself experience in that and that alone.
• My ability to let go of certain things has greatly improved… certain things…
• When I’m in a funk, I’m better at observing how I’m feeling and letting the sensations pass, instead of feeding my misery.  Same goes for my moments of elation… I enjoy them but watch them pass and I’m not bummed when I’m back to my normal.
• I sincerely want to change the world… new desire I have and I’ve let go of any desired outcome ;)

God… SO MANY MORE!!  Another big thing that happens when you meditate is something I started to experience on my 2^nd and each subsequent Vipassana course… I felt my intellect, things I have KNOWN for YEARS, go from the mind of intellect and drop into the heart of wisdom.  This experience is so indescribable and so fucking brilliant!  AAAHHH!!!  It can be as subtle as just having a realization and going “oh, duh, I get it” to a massive explosion where I felt like I got hit by a speeding train of light and that something actually viscerally dropped from my head into my heart!  I’ve had both experiences and everything in between.  These realizations kind of creep up whenever they feel like it and you can’t control what you realize.  Sometimes I’ve had a realization when I’m just observing my sensations and something just dons on me.  Other times the teacher says something to someone else and as it hits my ears while I’m meditating, the light bulb explodes into brightness… they just come!!  The big things that have moved from intellect to wisdom are: 

• EVERYTHING GOES AWAY (so what’s the point of attachment??)
• Self love
• Love and relationships
• Opening oneself to the possibility of change, you can't force yourself to change
• Importance of total self awareness
• Uselessness of comparisons in life
• You can only work through your struggles and others can only work through theirs

Those are the doozies I’ve had.  I wish I could explain more clearly what it’s like to experience a realization but they are so awesome, I can’t.  I truly understood though how it’s nice to have a massive intellectual knowledge base but that it’s really pointless and you can’t do much with it until it’s in the heart of wisdom.  We could experience these on a daily basis if we were just more present and aware but alas, we aren’t.  The universe also seems to deliver the messages that you NEED to have, whether you knew you needed to have it or not.

You know how in books you read on enlightened beings and how they say, “The more you come to know, the more you realize you don’t know anything”… I get that now.  I feel like I know nothing!! *laughs*

Biggest moment for me thus far was this last course.  I’ve had a locked down metal heart for a long time, call it due to my father abandoning us and my fear to leave myself vulnerable to myself… It’s slowly been getting chipped away but this last course, in the final moments of silence on day 10, in our last serious meditation, I felt my chest rip open, a beam of blinding light shine from my heart center and it felt like it was breathing its own oxygen from the atmosphere, which no need for the lungs.  Tears started to come out of eyes and it.was.AMAZING!  Later that day, I realized, in a subsequent meditation, that I had forgiven my father... and with that, everyone else in my life who I feel may have harmed me; although, it was always me harming myself.  The harm of a parent seems to just go deeper and it was during my first 12 years of life so how was I to know any better?  Not to say my heart is like a wide open beacon of awesomeness from this point forward but it definitely showed me how it can and SHOULD be!  It was beyond brilliance! 

I’ve probably had so many more transformations that are so subtle I may not even be aware of them and others I'm just not thinking of off hand.  Basically, I’m a love bubble now.

How I Came to Vipassana

I started practicing yoga (mainly asana or the physical practice) in 2007 and I just wanted to stretch out my rower muscles.  Around 2009 I started to practice more consistently and upon resigning/getting laid off from the VzW my practice went from 4-5 times a week to almost 2 times a day.  I gained flexibility, I was able to do some crazy arm balances, my strength was changing but I also noticed something more profound, I was A LOT calmer, a lot more patient, slightly more present and I had no idea why.  I wasn’t exposed to the Hindu or Yoga philosophy at all and these changes just manifested on their own after a few years of yoga.  When I left my job I wanted to learn as much as I could about this thing that had seemed to change so much in me in such a short period of time so I went to India to do a Teacher Training to learn more about Yoga Philosophy, the Sutras and all other aspects of the 8 limbs of yoga, besides the 3^rd limb, which is asana. 

At my TTC, plans had been made with my friend Jade to head north to Dharamsala to study Iyengar and as I was browsing wikitravel I saw a few retreat centers for meditation in the area and voiced that maybe I should give one a try.  Within a fraction of a second, Jade and my friend Dominic (both who are like the light on any dark day) both excitedly yelled, “OMG, DO VIPASSANA!!! It’s the hardest, most intense meditation retreat you can do!!”  I looked, it was there and being someone who has lived in the extremes thought, “why the hell not?!”  So I signed up, not knowing really anything about meditation, so this would be my first experience.  I told my friend Ashish and he laughed and said, “omg, you’re voluntarily going into PRISON!?”  Yes, that is what S.N. Goekna Vipassana is known as and funny enough, there is a whole wing of Tihar (biggest prison in Delhi) that is dedicated to Vipassana Meditation for the inmates.  So… prison… here I come!!

Caveats

• I have only done a Vipassana course with S.N. Goekna so I can’t speak for other methods.  That being said, there ARE other methods of Vipassana and obviously of meditation but a majority (98%) of my practice is rooted in this method.  I have loved (and let’s be honest, hated) it so much and I’ve seen such crazy changes that I didn’t find it necessary to “shop around” any further.  That may change but for right now, I’m satisfied with what I’ve got.  There are walking vipassana courses in Thailand that are “same-same but different” and there are tons of other Buddhist type Vipassana methods, which I haven’t done so I can’t say anything about them.  There are also tons of Hindu meditation methods but I have very little practice in those and always managed to fall asleep in the first 2 minutes of any Yoga Nidra (guided meditation).
• There is no short course for 1^st time students of S.N. Goenka and once you do your first, you totally understand why there is no fast forward method.  You can’t read a book or watch a video to just start practicing on your own… there is no quick way to get to a higher level of consciousness… sorry ya’ll! ;)  You can read up on the first method I’ll talk about, Calm Abiding, but that just calms the mind, it doesn’t purify the mind.

Teaching 

The method of practice is supposedly the original teachings of Gotama the Buddha.  I want to be clear, this is NOT Buddhism, filled with various rights and rituals and different dogmas.  I don’t have to do prostrations every day, chant mantras, do the lovely mudras or anything like that.  It’s all straight up practice and I LOVE it for that reason.  Whatever devotion you have for the practice you hold in your heart once you have experienced the changes yourself.  People from ALLLLLL walks of life and all religious backgrounds practice this.  I’ve personally done courses with Christians, Muslims, Hindus, Agnostics, Atheists, Jews, Buddhists of all varieties, monks, nuns, Americans, Indians, Thai, Europeans, South Americans, Middle Easterners… you name it, it’s for EVERYONE!  Tenzin Palmo, while she is a Tibetan Buddhist nun and has a slightly different practice, has spent considerable time wanting to info share with Christians during her travels and when she gets there, all they want to do is learn to meditate so they can be better at controlling their own mind.  Funny how I have a video made by conservative Christians that say meditation and yoga are the work of the devil… that’s just pure and gross ignorance and fear of what they don’t know.  Plus, if it’s the Devil that’s making me a much better person, SIGN ME UP!!! ;)  Goenka makes it completely and totally non-secular and it’s very important to him that it stays that way and he says, “it’s not dhamma unless it is universal” and it can’t be universal unless you take dogma out of it.  No one should be offended by the practice, unless you are a person who is of blind faith and thinks just believing in Jesus or Muhammad, or anyone else will save you from your suffering even if you continue to be a raging asshole and treat yourself and others like shit.  Goenka does poke fun of those peeps a bit… no actual PRACTICE is condemned… whether it be another meditation method or a religious practice but he does ask you totally suspend ALL other practices while in the course and give it a full try.  Once you leave, you can of course do as you please.

It’s also been made easily accessible to all people, not just nuns and monks.  That being said, can this practice and this practice alone get you to enlightenment or would you need to get some super secret tips from a recluse?  I have not the damnedest idea but I’m not trying to reach enlightenment, I just want to be less of an asshole and a more awesome person for myself and others but who knows where or how far it will take me.  I don’t think I’ll ever know how far along the scale of change I’ll be anyway.  This process is like being plopped down to run an ultra marathon where you’re given a map on where to go but you can’t tell how far it is but you’ll know you’re done once you get to the little tiny road marker on the road that says “finish line.”  Alright… let’s get down into the 3 parts of the practice! J


Moral Code of Conduct

But but… this is part of religion!  No no no… just listen, although; the moral code and the 5 precepts you take ARE those of Buddhism but then again, we’re following the direct teaching of the Buddha.  They are really simple and abide by the thought that people should abstain from harmful words/actions and do pious actions.  Here are the 5 precepts you must take for the course and those you should try to live by as much as possible in daily life.  I’ll explain those that need explaining…

1. Abstain from killing – this means purposely ending the life of any being, whether a person, a dog or a bug.  Plants are not included and if you accidentally step on an ant while walking down the street, you won’t go to hell.  In fact, there is no hell and some might say that if you are living a life of self-inflicted suffering, you’re already in hell!  I have a REALLY hard time w/ mosquitos!  I will say, after my year of practice, aside from mosquitos, I don’t kill anything anymore and I accidentally killed a spider about a month ago and I felt genuine sadness in my heart for what I had just done.  I thought it would fall to the ground and survive, I swear!!!  I guess spiders as big as my palm can’t survive falls =( Intent also plays part in this… my intent was to shoo the spider off my balcony but what actually happened wasn’t that.  Like if you’re giving CPR to someone and your intent is to save them but let’s say they had a broken rib and when you pressed it punctured their lung, killing them… you did not purposely do harm, you were trying to do good and accidentally harm happened.  Abortion was not really covered but I know it’s not exactly a celebrated practice… I’m not getting into that debate here either
2. Abstain from lying – pretty self explanatory and this also includes exaggerations
3. Abstain from stealing – also pretty self explanatory
4. Abstain from Sexual Misconduct – this one needs explaining!  Which of these scenarios do you think would be considered “sexual misconduct”? 

a.       Hypothetical Scenario 1– let’s say I take my girlfriend (we’re REALLY GAY) home and upon getting inside my room, I throw her on the bed, lock her up in chains, flog the crap out of her and then proceed to fuck her up the ass until she screams in pleasure? (sorry for the detail… trying to make a point… wait for it… wait for it…)

b.      Scenario 2 – a guy is feeling horny as hell and just wants a piece o ass.  He knows his friend, who is a girl, really likes him, even though he’s not really into it, but he pursues the opportunity anyway because he wants some.  He says he’s not into anything serious and he knows she’s agreeing with the stipulation he has set only because she likes him SOOOOO much.  Knowing he’s going to hurt her, he has an intimate relationship with her anyway and screws her in the missionary position (yawn).  A few weeks later, he ends things and hurts the poor girl, which he knew was going to happen but he did it anyway because he was horny.

Ok… so which do you think is considered harmful??  A??  EEEEEEEERRR!!!  My sex isn’t harming ANYONE, especially YOU!  My girlfriend likes it rough, we’re both consensual adults and love each other and this is what we like.  Our intent is to love and satisfy each other.  Now scenario B is another story… the guy is only out for his own self benefit and isn’t taking into account the other person at all, even purposely emotionally harming her, as it were, so he can get some ass.  It doesn’t matter what kind of sex you have or whom you have it with, as long as both parties are consenting and harm isn’t anywhere in there.  Obviously, rape, molestation and those are considered harmful but I was rather pleased to know I’m not considered “harmful” if I love my girlfriend and like a little excitement… as it should be.  Thank you Gotama the Buddha. Oh and in Vipassana, there is NO touching in Noble Silence so celibacy is needed for the 10 days.

5.  Abstain from the use of intoxicants – People struggle with this one so let me explain the reason behind it.  It’s not because liquor or drugs are in themselves a “sin” it’s because the use of them inhibit your awareness and your ability to make proper decisions.  The use of intoxicants puts you at greater risk of breaking the aforementioned precepts.  This is totally abstaining from their use, it doesn’t say “abstain from getting shit faced.”  In Vipassana we can’t drink or smoke or anything but outside, we are our own masters and we do as we please.  If want to drink, we can drink, but it will hinder our ability to stick to the above, but that’s a choice we’re making.  I actually saw my own awareness suffer GREATLY while I was visiting home in October this past year as I was delivered interesting news… booze helped everything go into a downward spiral of crap.  After so much practice, I really don’t crave a drink at all anymore, or maybe that’s because wine and whiskey in India are AWFUL!  I did thoroughly enjoy some Malbec whilst in Australia and intend to do so again when I have a chance but considering what sort of boozer I was before, there has been a steep decline in my desire to ever go back to that.

These precepts aren’t commandments, they are, “you know, we know we’re all flawed but there should be a concerted effort to follow these BUT, you are your own master.”  If you break them, you do so with the awareness and knowledge that you’re ability to purify your mind may be halted temporarily, until you’ve straightened things out, or not progress as quickly, but that’s a choice you make, which you are free to do…. You know… make choices.

10-day course

Welcome!!  You’ve arrived!  You’re all registered, you have been assigned your room or dorm and things are about to get started.  You take a vow of 10 days of silence (really isn’t more like 9 ¼), NOBLE SILENCE!  That means no talking, no gestures, no eye contact.  Goenka mentions some reasons behind these but he doesn’t mention the biggest one (to me anyway), which I think allows people to think it’s not *that* serious.  When you’re in a Vipassana course, you are going so deep inside yourself, you’re basically leaving yourself open as an emotional gaping wound and you’re reaching inside to fix it.  In a completely isolated state it’s easier to do this, to really be in your own bubble of energy.  If you speak to anyone and ESPECIALLY touch or make eye contact with anyone, there is energy exchanged and you’re no longer on your own, you’ve come out of your bubble and you are now having an experience with someone else… this breaks things up a bit and lessens the intensity.  It’s not devastating but it’s really more powerful to stay to yourself.  I remember dating someone and just looking in her eyes and becoming a puddle… or just when we graze arms… that contact is really intense and it’s best to avoid that because this is a SELF practice, not a group practice, even if you are surrounded by people… you are… ALONE in this journey to your own depths.

You CAN talk to the management if there is anything you need to help make your stay more comfortable and you CAN talk to the teacher about the technique if you have questions.  Just don’t talk to other mediators.

There is also a course boundary, which you cannot pass and the sexes are separated.  I think that’s to keep distractions down but they certainly didn’t take the homos into account with this.  I’ve taken to wearing a scarf covering my face for a majority of my courses… sometimes it’s quite necessary, especially if there is a ridiculously gorgeous woman from Spain sitting right behind you! ;) 

There is a set schedule that involves waking at 4am to start meditating at 4:30 (I’m AWFUL at that bit) and then you go until 9pm at night, you eat what’s made for you, you can’t exercise but generally there are walking paths you can use, which aren’t expansive but are nice to have.  I’ll let the website fill in any blanks… on to the practice!!  www.dhamma.org for complete details and ALL the things you must know before registering.

Part 2 – Samadhi

So Buddha and the Yogi’s use the word Samadhi a bit differently.  In yoga, the goal is Samadhi, which is realization of the true nature of all things, the Buddha uses Samadhi as “single pointed concentration,” which in Ashtanga Yoga (the philosophy, not pattabhi jois Ashtanga) is the 6^th limb, which I’m forgetting the name of right now… Dharna?  The first 3 ½ days of a 10 day vipassana course you do a practice called Anapana, or Shamata or Calm Abiding.  It’s the practice where you sit there and focus on the breath coming in and out of the nostrils… that’s it!  Seriously.  3 ½ days of that.  Now each day the area in which you focus gets smaller and smaller and the reason for that is that your mind is not able to get to more subtle places until you start observing smaller areas.  You start from observing your full nasal passage and the triangle from the bridge of your nose to the upper lip and by the last moments of Anapana, you’re only focusing on the space above the upper lip and below the nostrils.

People always tells me when I say I meditate, “OMG, I am so bad at meditating.  I can’t focus.”  Ya’ll say that like you’re the only person on this planet that feels like they are a schizophrenic ADHD person when you actually sit still and try to focus on ONE THING… the present.  We ALL SUCK at meditation… we all suck at anything unless we practice, right? J  My first course and sometimes still, I can focus on my breath for one, maybe two breaths and then POOF… my head is off somewhere else and I have to bring it back.  The point is to not get frustrated with yourself, to accept that the current nature of your mind is to wander, because that’s what it’s done for SOOOOOO long, and then just bring it back when you actually realize it’s wandered off to making business plans or what you’re going to eat for dinner.  I’m at a point now where I can focus on it, sometimes, for minutes at a time w/o my head wandering… it’s taken a year to get there.  This stuff takes work!

Anapana is the process of calming the mind, controlling the mind, living in the present.  When you observe just your breath you come to realize a lot about the nature of your mind, usually, that it’s crazy and all over the place and REALLY hard to control.  You start to realize how we’ve been a slave to our minds for so long and how we are always either in 1 of 2 places, stuck in the past or dreaming/freaking out about an unknown future.  You start to understand you very rarely live in the present moment.  All this from just trying to observe the breath... we're never supposed to observe the thoughts.  Those are just supposed to pass without us attaching ourselves and identifying with them.  The reason the breath is used is because it’s real, it’s in us, it happens ALL THE TIME and you can’t focus on the last breath, or the next breath, you can only focus on THIS breath.  You just let the air flow as it naturally does and observe it… you don’t control the breath through pranayama (yoga breathing) you just let yourself breath.  You don’t count, you don’t visualize… you just observe.  It took me quite a while to figure out how exactly to do that w/o thinking “in/out/in/out” or actually visualizing my nasal cavity.  You get it w/ practice. 

This practice and its effects are very similar to all other forms of concentration, whether on a flame, on a visualization your yoga teacher gives you… etc.  BUT there is a very distinct difference in that the aim is NOT to just calm and quiet the mind, which it does, it’s to make the mind sharper and take it to a more subtle place.  This sounds really vague and abstract while typing this but really, when you experience it, you’ll know exactly what I mean.  The sharper and sharper it gets, the more apt you’ll be to practicing Vipassana.  Calming the mind is VERY important and it HAS to be done before you can begin the purification process.  If someone just calms their mind though, they aren’t going deeper to the root of all our ish and purifying all the impurities.  Tenzin Palmo said in her book and I’m going to loosely quote, “there are yogi’s who can meditate for days at a time, focusing on the object they’ve decided but if someone comes and interrupts them, they’ll still get rattled and angry… you have to go to the depth of the mind to purify it.”  Segue…

Part 3 - Vipassana

That bring us to Vipassana, that which purifies the mind.  Another word is Insight and its goal is to observe things as they really are, to observe the true nature of something and for “that something” it is US. J  When we observe things through any of our 6 senses (sight, touch, taste, smell, hearing, mind), we don’t see the full truth, we just see our own perception of the truth, based on a history we have with something through our senses.  The only way to fully observe our true nature and complete truth is through the framework of our own body because we eliminate perception.  With our eyes closed, we sit, some more, and observe whatever sensations we may be feeling.  Sometimes our mind is still too gross that we only feel gross sensations, like the breeze on our skin, or the shirt covering our arm but as you get more and more subtle, you start to feel… other things.  It’s not a feeling that you get from touching something, it’s a feeling that is deeper than that.  It’s hard to explain, but after 3 ½ days of anapana, most start to feel these subtle sensations and that last day of anapana is focusing on just those, above the upper lip.  You may feel a pain, tickle, prickle, itch, cold, heat, sweat, throbbing (shit… I’m starting to sound like him). Basically, there are almost infinite types of sensations you may feel but you just observe them, again, with no commentary, no judgment and no visualization.  The first time I felt these sensations I opened my eyes, looked at the girl to my left (no no… no looky!), who is now a dear friend, and we both gave each other the “HOLY FUCK WTF WAS THAT?!?!” look.

You start from the top of your head and then work your way down through every part of your body to your toes and you just observe whatever sensations are there.  THE POINT IS NOT THE SENSATIONS, the point is to remain balanced and “equanimous” through whatever sensation you are feeling, whether it be “pleasant” or “unpleasant.”  The reason we should remain balanced is because the sensations are impermanent, even if you are sitting during one of the hour group meditations and it feels like you have a knife being run up and down your IT band, you’re not supposed to feel angry, frustrated or deflated that you’re sitting in pain, you just remain balanced because, while it feels it may last forever, it goes away… EVERYTHING GOES AWAY.  You don’t get super elated at the pleasant sensations because they go away, you can be happy they are there but don’t be sad when they leave.  This is REALLY hard to do, especially during the painful moments.  I have gotten to a point where I’m happy with the pleasant because they are just that AND I’m happy with the agonizing pain because that means I’m working on getting rid of old shit.

You can feel what sort of misery we put ourselves through though.  If you’re sitting there in pain and agonizing over it, it feels like absolute torture, those minutes feel like HOURS!  The more you are equanimous the easier it is… such a metaphor for life!!  It’s funny, on day 6 you look around and the contraptions people have made of their meditation mats with pillows, cushions and backrests is comedy and I giggle, now.  You see how much people try to change their surroundings to deal with the pain they feel inside and they try to run from it, I certainly did in my first course.  I thought I was living in a self-inflicted hell and I had SO much going on around my meditation spot.  At some point, I realized, “pain, is unavoidable, it’s inevitable, it’s GOING TO HAPPEN.  Even if I lift my knee a few inches, the pain will just be referred to my back, or somewhere else on my body.  I can’t run from it… I MUST GO THROUGH IT!”  Now, I sit with just my main cushion and standard butt lift but I do have one extra cushion I use under my right knee because my pelvis is twisted to the right, causing extra pressure so I try to alleviate that a bit… I’m apparently not ready to give that one up yet. ;)  The more you practice the more you feel the pain dissolve and the more you even focus on the pain, observing it in it’s finest detail, the quicker it goes away too.  There was a point when I realized the pain is ALWAYS there, just the more balanced we are, the more subtle our mind gets and it goes UNDER the pain.  Sometimes, it’s just pain though.  I will say that during the 3, 1 hour group sittings, where we aren’t supposed to move AT ALL, except to straighten our spine if it’s fallen forward) have been some of the most excruciating pain I’ve ever experienced in my life and I’m well versed in the art of pain.  I was a cutter for about ½ a decade AND I’ve been a competitive rower and have pushed my body to such limits that my muscles have failed and I’ve blacked out.  Now that I’ve done this, I’m REALLY curious how my 2k pieces would go on that devil of a rowing machine, THE ERG.

Now, some people have injuries and things which really don’t allow them to sit on the ground and there are options for sitting in chairs, using a back rest, going against the wall, extra cushions and things but really, with S.N. Goenka Vipassana, pain is involved.  Some centers/teachers are really strict and you can’t use extra anything unless you are legitimately injured but I’ve only heard of that in Kathmandu.  You don’t have to sit in lotus either, some guy recently said that’s why he won’t do a course.  You sit however you want!  I will not try to sugar coat it BUT that being said, one girl in my course in Thailand felt no pain, which I found odd of her to say considering how much she moved behind me and usually people only move if they have pain.  *I* on the other hand have felt everything.  I have felt like a mass of bubbles floating in the air where I thought I could speak telepathically it was so unreal, to feeling like I was sitting on the eternal flame while sporks were being used to try to pry my patellas off my knees and my blood was going to ignite into flames while I poured sweat out of every pore and tears streamed down my face.  Through both of those moments, the goal is NOT the sensations but being balanced.  The more you’re balanced, the more the gross sensations dissolve.

The feelings you have can come from 1 of 3 places, the atmosphere around you, the way you’re sitting, or from your past habits and reactions, manifesting themselves in bodily sensations.  This practice cuts your habits at the root!  It doesn’t intellectualize it and you never really quite understand what it’s doing but it does it!  I have no idea how it works but it does!  Goenka compares it to laundry detergent… you don’t know the active ingredients and how they interact with each other and stains for them to get the dirt out, but you use it and know that it works and that’s all you care about.  That’s how we should view Vipassana… at least in the beginning… the intellectual part is not what’s important, it’s the practice and the experience!  He does say, “the theory should follow the practice” and I haven’t done a Sittipitana or any of the longer courses so I’m not sure how much more he feeds to the intellect. The gross and painful sensations are your past aversions, let’s say anger, jealously, hatred, etc., and your pleasant sensations are your cravings, like desire, passion, greed… while you remain balanced through them all, you slowly but surely start to eliminate your aversions and your cravings.  You come to understand that it’s not the alcohol you craved but the sensation you got while drinking it.  It’s not that you REALLY want the iPhone5, it’s the sensation you get when you first put it in your hand… both of those sensations incredibly fleeting and impermanent and then we try to find something else that will make us feel that sensation when it’s gone.

Fears

There are lots of fears but one I want to cover, because my now former lady friend was concerned w/ it and I was starting to be to is... "is this going to turn me into an emotionless vipassana zombie?  All the 'remain equanimous' sounds numbing."  The point is not to get rid of joy or happiness, it's to HAVE joy and happiness when things are good but to know that, inherently, that will change, because it always does and when it does to not lose the joy and happiness.  I've experienced nothing but extended happiness and joy since I've started practicing and while I thought I'd have less compassion for the pain of others, I have it, but I also know that it's their pain and not mine and they have to go through it and I'm more apt to help knowing that.  You don't become cold, you don't become heartless or unemotive... you show emotion, feel emotion but know all of it passes so you just roll gently through the waves of the ups and downs in life instead of fight to stay on top of a wave that is inevitably going to dip to a low.  The waves get smaller the more you practice and when it's flat, that doesn't mean you're a zombie, it means you're in a perpetual state of balanced happiness.  To experience the highs you must experience the lows... this is the practice of moving to non-duality.  There is no good or bad, no pain nor pleasure, there just is...  The last thing I feel like at this moment is a zombie.  I'd rather hug the entire world than try to eat it.

Wrap Up

God… those 12 pages went REALLY fast!  There is SO much to say about this experience, this course but really, go… just… GO!  You can't know it unless you experience it, no matter how many words or amazing metaphors I use.  I know in the US we have such limited vacation time but the 10 (really 12 and you should REALLY take a few days to decompress afterwards, so 14) days you spend to dig deep inside yourself will do more for your life than sitting on the beach sippin pina colada’s.  We run and run and run but from what… we only run from ourselves and once you realize that and that YOU are the only person on this planet making yourself miserable but that YOU are also the only person who can save you from that, it’s the most empowering realization you can have.   You don’t have to rely on a single soul but your own being to make you happy and take you out of a vicious cycle of yuck.

All this said, and Goenka says this as well, one course will not cure you of all that ails you… OR maybe it will, but the chances are slim.  This is a practice that needs consistency, it takes work, and time but if you do the work and spend the time to do the practice and PROPERLY, you’ll do nothing but reap the rewards.  Am I perfect now after doing 4 of these?  Not a chance?  Do I still get pissed?  Do I still make up crazy shit in my head that makes me sad or angry?  Do I still have unhealthy and ugly reactions?  Do I still have down days?  Can I still be mean?  Can I still be a judgmental turd? Absolutely, to all of that!  Do I do all of it with less intensity and less frequency,  more awareness and more immediate action to rectify my mess ups? You bet and THAT’s where you start to enjoy the changes in your life.  

When I went back to Seattle after my first course, I saw how easy it was to slip back into bad habits and unhealthy behavior and I’m SO THANKFUL I had such a beautiful, yet disastrous trip home because it made me realize how important this stuff is to me and how much I WANT IT IN MY LIFE and how easy it is to take it for granted to not follow.  I won’t let that happen again… my mental and emotional health is too important for me to let myself slip again.  This shit is magic… magic that takes A LOT of work that only *I* can do, and that’s the beauty of it all… *I* have the complete power to change my life around and make myself the best person I can!

If anyone has any questions, feel free to post and I’ll do my best.  I don’t consider myself an authority, by any stretch, but I have some experience to pull from.

Bhavatu Sabba Mangalam.  Aka: may all beings be happy, bitches! ;) 

Xxxo

Dirty

P.S.  If you are interested in a course, GO GO GO!!!  It’s worth it, and it’s donation based too… did I mention that? ;)  www.dhamma.org

Childlike

I’m reading Tenzin Palmo’s book Reflections on a Mountain Lake, which I HIGHLY recommend for everyone.  You don’t have to be Buddhist to appreciate this stuff… I certainly enjoy the teachings and I don’t prescribe to any religion.  She spoke in one chapter about having a “childlike mind” and not in the sense of being naïve or weak and fragile but in experiencing the wonder that is life, in each moment, like a small child does and that we seem to do less of as we age.  Someone asked her in the Q&A, “is that why life gets shorter as we get older?”  Her response:

“Yes, because we become more and more robotic.  When we are small children, everything is so fascinating that life seems to go on forever.  Every day is huge, because there are so many fascinating things happening and we are so interested.  So childhood seems like a very long period.  But as we become dulled, as our minds get less and less curious, as we go onto automatic pilot more and more in our relationships, in our social life, in our work, even in our intimate relationships, we become increasingly somnambulant.  Therefore life loses its vivacity and seems shorter… When I became a Buddhist at the age of 18, my life turned around.  My whole way of thinking was being reevaluated.  It was an intense period.  When I look back, it was an enormous period.  I think, oh yes, the time when I was a Theravadin, it lasted years and years and then eventually I came to Mahayana.  In fact, it was just a few months.  But because it was such an intense time and so many things were happening inwardly, the time stretched out.  But when nothing much is happening, it’s the same job, the same relationships, the same this, the same that, we become more and more conditioned in our responses, and time seems to get shorter and shorter.  That is very sad, isn’t it?  Because actually, it is the same time.  It seems to speed up.  This is an indication of how we are becoming more and more robotic in our responses.  In a way it is a warning sign for us to wake up and reestablish that original childlike curiosity and fresh quality of mind.”

There is something really wonderful about Instagram, well many wonderful somethings.  It provides an ability to share your artistic vision with like minded people, it’s a place to build community, it’s a place to find or create inspiration, it’s a place that allows you to see the world through the eyes of others, immediately.  What Instagram has really done for me though is allowed me to see my own world differently, to strip away my habits and reveal my “childlike mind.”  The reason I started using it was so I could have a way to do a quick photo journal, do something immediate, real time, for those of my friends, who cared to see, and for myself.  I wanted to be able to look a back and scroll through a reel that was my own life timeline in a bunch of pictures.  It’s done an incredible job of doing just that.

Since I started using it I’ve felt more compelled to make sure I take at least a few interesting pictures a day so I have something to post and in March/April when Instagram launched for Android, I was already 3 months deep into my time in Arambol.  I thought I had seen everything I wanted to see, done everything I wanted to do, talked to everyone I wanted to talk to but now, I had this new toy to play with and I wanted to use it but what the fuck was I going to do, take pictures of the things I’ve already taken pictures of just so I could post them?  I could’ve done that, but I didn’t.  What it jump started was a desire to walk the streets, back dirt roads and sketchy looking paths with fresh eyes, like I had never seen them.  I kept my ears open for all the sounds I heard, my eyes for all the sights, my nose for all the smells, sometimes comparing them to my past experiences but really trying to just be with whatever was there right then.  I wanted to find beauty where I had already found beauty but also where I hadn’t.  Instead of zooming down the street to get to the Rice Bowl for dinner, I walked slowly, stopped to look up, to the left, to the right, over ridges.  I smiled as I saw a rooster hoppin around checking out a garbage fire and then darting off between scooters and taxis, something I may have typically missed because I “just wanted to GET THERE!”

I have found that I’m completely fascinated with faces, daily life and the landscapes of India and while I was in Australia and Amsterdam, I loved the architecture (more so Amsterdam), the cars, the smaller details like door handles, entry doors (well actually, that’s my fascination EVERYWHERE except the US… hey carbon copy home depot mass produced BLAH!), train tracks, places I was standing, mail boxes and bicycles.  

The easiest place it’s been for me to take pictures like a crazy beast was in Kashmir because I was there for such a short time and EVERYTHING was new!  I was like a little kid who had just stepped in sand and rubbed the sun out of my eyes to see this vast ocean for the first time.  It was incredible!  I loved it!  Everytime I turned my head I just whispered quietly to myself “wooaaaah” and my senses seemed overwhelmed and I couldn’t ingest enough of my surroundings.   It was the same type of experience I had hiking to Triund for the first time.  Mark, my next door buddy, said, “oooh, that’s only like a 2-3hour hike, you’ll be back by early afternoon.”  Bullshit!! My mouth was on the ground the entire time looking around in awe, wondering when the fairies were going to fly from the trees and float around with me up the mountain… it was THAT beautiful!  I stopped for chai and talked to the owner of the shop for about half an hour.  I stopped to sit on big flat rocks on the cliff to nibble on the PBJ’s Lama had made for me before I left and I watched the fog roll in and out of the steep, massive boulder, tree filled mountain side.  I stopped when I saw a new kind of vegetation, just to observe it.  It took me 4 ½ hours to get to the top and I sat on a rock at the top for an hour and a half watching the fog roll around some more, trying to catch a glimpse of what lay beyond it.  I was all *SNAP SNAP SNAP* the entire time!  When I was done for the day, I practically ran down the hill, I couldn’t get home fast enough.  I didn’t see anything, I didn’t stop, I just WANTED TO GET THERE, I had seen all this just hours before.

I’ve taken a portion of that path a few times since and it’s always taken me half the time to get up, because “oh I’ve seen this… I just wanna GET THERE!”  It’s the same thing that happened with the walking path from Dharamkot to McLeod… instead of enjoying the walk I found myself timing how fast I could reach the bottom.  Why?  For what?  Is something no longer beautiful and worth slowing down to take in once we’ve already seen it?  It’s the “same ole same ole” so why enjoy it as much all subsequent times as I did the first? 

Once I get into a habit of doing something, or being somewhere, once I think all has been absorbed, I just go through the routine, the motions and the process is no longer as enjoyable, the destination is all that matters.  It’s not like that all the time but sometimes, to often times, it is.  Having this camera with me all the time, and the intention to capture what my life looks like, has forced me to slow down, stop and look around and I’m absolutely amazed at all the things I see, either for the first time or I see differently than I have in the past.  It used to take me only 11 minutes to get from my door to McLeod Ganj… now, I have no idea how long it takes but I usually have to send Mark a message that says, “got distracted, going to be a few minutes late.”  You know what, I’m not 30 minutes late, I’m maybe 5 or 10 minutes late but the joy I had walking down the hill, on the same path I’ve walked countless times, was really enjoyable.  I could actually feel the mist of the thick fog on my face, smell the fresh water coming from one of the leaking water pipes (not a poo pipe, THANK GOD), glimpse a monkey quietly chillin on a branch, munching on a banana and I don’t slip on any of the slippery parts!  I’m totally aware of everything going on around me, I’m immersed in it, not trying to shoot my body through it as quickly as possible.  It wasn’t just something I HAD to do to get to where I was going, it’s something I wanted to do and enjoyed it while I was doing it.  Using my camera as a catalyst for walking everywhere, doing everything, almost like I’ve never done it before, has been such a beautiful experience. 

Life isn’t about always picking a new destination, often times, we can’t, nor is it about always picking a different path, because those can be limited, it’s about experiencing the same path, the same destination, as if you’ve never experienced it before.  I want to go up to Triund again, when the rains have simmered a bit, and I don’t want to improve my time getting to the top, I want to take my sweet ass time and enjoy every step on that path I take!   Is all this easier said than done?  Probably, well, actually, yes… but that doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying…

Stop to smell the roses... again… ;)

Xxxox

Dirty

p.s. Instagram and a camera did it for me but I’m sure there are countless way anyone can think of help look at, what they think is their mundane life, with a new surge of curiosity… but if you want, you can steal my method J

Love

As I write this, it’s 9:30pm on Day 10 of Vipassana and after closing out “The Bar,” as Mel, Anna and I called the cafeteria during our tea chat session, we and 15 other women, who just finished Vipassana with us, had our dance/singing party shut down.  Mel is an Afgan woman whose family escaped from the country when she was 8 and parked their butts in the US for 20 years and 8 years ago, she decided to take her western education and start a corporate law practice in her home country.  Anna is a woman from Finland who decided to spend her 1 year sabbatical, from her management consulting profession, in the country she spent so many years working and is finally getting to see the country for what it really is. During our dance/sing party shut down, Mel and I were in the midst of a very climatic part of Rain Drops on Roses while the lot of us were being told “no dancing or singing is allowed on the Vipassana grounds!”  from the course manager.  We of course didn’t hear the announcement and kept singing louder and louder as the rain fell on our faces and thunder clapped overhead.   Oops!  I guess that the solo dance parties Franzi and I had in our Lamphun rooms were super illegal so I’m glad no one heard me blaring the new Santigold album as I was shakin my tush in the shower on 10 day of my 2^nd Vipassana. J  The fact about 20 women are outside right now and some were singing Bollywood songs while an adorable girl, Puja, was doing traditional village dance just goes to show how incredible this Vipassana and this group of people were.  These bloody things seem to keep getting better and better!  No expectations for any subsequent ones though, of course. ;)

As I sit in my little prison cell sized room, literally, with no windows except for a small skylight overhead, I can’t help but reflect on the incredible life affirming changes that have taken place over the last 10 days of silent SUPER intense meditation.  I was hit with a profound revelation on day 2, in the middle of just doing Anapana, which is observing the breath, which transformed my life from that moment forward.   For some reason, unbeknownst to me, while “observing” my breath, it dawned on me, this magical thought - “Wait, why would the manufactures of the Indian squaters, Hindustan in most cases, put their name on the side of the squatter where your butt faces? Wait a second… OMG!! I’VE BEEN USING THE SQUATTER BACKWARDS THE ENTIRE TIME I’VE LIVED IN ASIA!  No wonder there has always been the threat of a tickle sprinkle on my foot!!!!  Holy shit!! HOW EMBARRASSING!”  It’s like I’ve been straddling the toilet bowl for a whole year, elbows propped up on the back, just chilling, waiting for a dook to plop, which completely explains why one of my dad’s out of town work visitors from some Asian country was doing just that in our guest bathroom in my parents’ house when I was younger.  So note to all – in the west, face the door, in the east, face the wall!  The amazing things that come out of Vipassana… I tell ya! 

I also got very intimate with part of my body on this course as well, so intimate in fact that it was a little too intimate and I had to stop myself after only making it an 8^th of the way through.  NO, you dirty sluts, I didn’t blue clit myself… bitch please, never, but I now know why I’ve always had problems with ingrown hairs when shaving or waxing my legs.  That shit has NO orderly growth pattern!  Yes, I will blame Franzi for this, I took tweezers to my legs and as much as my friend Aimee hates the term “plucked,” I feel it most appropriate to use because pulling each leg hair, one at a time, maybe two if I was lucky, I really feel I became one with the plucked chickens of the world.  I made it almost ½ way through my lower right leg and decided I liked my morning and afternoon naps WAY better than this!  Not only that but once you get to the outside part, you have to crane your legs in all sorts of ways and I am not only out of yoga shape, but I was already in immense amounts of pain from my 10 ½ hours of sitting still, meditating, and it was just making matters much worse.  AND, if matters couldn’t get any worse, I started to PMS and men, I know you can’t relate but ladies know what I’m talking about.  HELLOOOOO sensitivity and exaggerated states of pain!  I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to stop!  I looked down though and between my shin high, scull socks and my fisherman’s trousers, there was this little bit of exposed skin… think of the really awkward leg tan soccer players get… it was ½ hair and ½ bare!  Aye, so I sucked it up and finished off the part just under my knee and so NOW, I have a totally “wax ready” left leg and a freakishly patch worked right leg.  I think this makes my year of celibacy easier to attain. ;)  Guess what I’ll be doing tomorrow though, as soon as I drop my bag off at my guest house??  Praise the one “beauty salon” in Bhagsu!

I’ve hesitated writing much about my actual REAL experiences in Vipassana for a number of reasons.  For one, in the event ANY of you actually want to try it yourself, I don’t want to rob you of an expectation-less experience, which is what every meditation session should be, well, what EVERY moment in life should be.  Second, I don’t want to preach or sound cray cray about the practice and I figured, if anyone was truly interested in it, they’d ask.  So, here is an open invitation, if you want to know anything, ANYTHING (except my own personal experiences) I’ll be more than happy to share.   Thirdly, it’s SUCH an intense experience there really are no appropriate words to capture what it is or more importantly, what it does TO you.  The ONLY way you can know is to experience, which is part of the core of the practice anyway… to know the true nature of your reality, as it is, on the experiential level, within the frame work of the body.  As an old student though, I get to sit closer to the front and since Dharamsala brings TONS of newbs to the scene, closer to the front means seat 3, dead square in front of the assistant teacher.  During some of the sessions she has little meetings with small groups of people, asking them about their progress and this particular teacher was so wonderfully engaged with the students, she would call certain women up, one at a time, who had been coming to her with questions throughout the course.  I usually left and went to my room to meditate because I’m not exactly seasoned and it’s hard to focus when there are quiet whispers a meter in front of me but on day 8, I stayed.  I may not have been able to put what the root of Vipassana is to me into words but what I overhead Nina, the Assistant Teacher, say to one of the other old students, who was sitting before her, sent me running back to my room to capture it on paper, it was so perfect and so beautiful and soooo… it.

When you have equanimity and accept all the sensations that arise, or when your mind wanders to thoughts of aversion or craving and you just accept that it has wandered, without frustration, you are developing love, compassion and peace within yourself.  Until you can feel true love, compassion and peace for everything that you are, inside, you will never be able to feel it for anyone else.  When you observe yourself with equanimity, you are learning to love yourself.

I felt like I got smacked across the face when I heard this.  I let it simmer for awhile and went to lunch but as I walked back to my room, for no apparent reason, tears started to well in my eyes but then faded back into my eyeballs.  I got to my room, grabbed my tweezers and thought about plucking away again but all of a sudden I burst into body convulsing, air gasping, snot and tear flowin (or I guess snot lurches more than flows), sobs.  This continued for a wee bit and after a few dry heaves in my bathroom, a few more gasps while in the fetal position on my bed, I passed out.  Nice timing too because really did come to enjoy my afternoon naps on my right side… I hear it’s good for digestion and lord knows anything helps with THAT whilst in Vipassana.  Vipassana is like a cork for your rectum, no joke!

Especially in recent years, I’ve always thought I was a person who loved herself.  I thought I was an awesome person with a few minor flaws but generally, pretty bad ass and not in a conceited way, just in a “comfortable in who I am” way. I’ve always known something “wasn’t quite right” inside me though and I’ve thought it was issues with anxiety, attachment, depression, etc but as soon as I heard the teacher speak those words and they rang out to me so clearly like they were placed directly in my scull for me to absorb, I asked myself, “do you love yourself, jess?”  You know what… no, I don’t… not completely, not unconditionally, not fully and totally and truly.  It’s taken removing me from all the distractions, that are SO EASY to fall into because they are so fun, removing me from my comforts, removing me from the outside world, 3 times, mind you, for me to finally get it.  THIS is why I am here!  This is why I have left a world I love so much, the people I love, the city I love, the life I love.  This is what I have spent 1 full month of the last 11 months trying to figure out, intensely anyway.  I feel like THIS is the reason I’m in India.  It’s not to travel, it’s not to turn into a pretzel, it’s to find the unconditional love within myself I’ve never had.  I don’t truly love myself!  I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say I can attribute the sobbing to this realization but it wasn’t tears of sadness or depression, it was so SO intense I needed a release and it was exactly what my body needed to do to accomplish that.  After those 5 minutes of being a drippy mess of face fluids, I felt like they sky opened up, like I weighed a fraction of what I did just moments prior and something surged through my body like lightning.  It’s not anxiety I’m tackling, it’s not attachment, it’s THIS and with THIS comes everything else.  Admitting to myself, finally, once and for all, I don’t completely love myself is the most liberating thing I’ve ever felt and I accept exactly where I am with it right now, without judgment or frustration and knowing full well that *I* am the only one who can accomplish this.  No one else can put the love I don’t have for myself in my being, only I can but that’s the complete beauty of it… *I* have control over making this happen.. no one else.  Just knowing, deep down, to the core of my tiniest bodily sensations, this, I think is a fucking monster step in the right direction.  If that’s not the best birthday present I can give myself, I don’t know what is.

Bhavatu Sabba Mangalam, bitches! ;)

Xxxox

Hairy, Love Bubble of Dirty!

p.s. I totally love the monkeys now! LOVE THEM!  They are probably the most fun animals to watch live their lives… srsly… ya’ll should try it and in the wild, not in a fucking zoo.

p.p.s. Ringing in my 32nd year of life in Vipassana was one of the most beautiful things ever... *hops on my rainbow shitting unicorn to go sprinkle fairy dust around Dharamsala*

p.p.p.s. Nina, the Assistant Teacher, used the phrase "Oh, pain is a WONDERFUL sensation" like running coaches say "hills are your friends." ZOMG!!!  I died.

Needs

I spent my morning recovering from an odd hangover from one of the rare nights I over indulge in some craptastic alcoholic beves whilst abroad.  Once I pulled myself together I dove into an old, but familiar and lovely routine.  I noshed on some fresh fruit, muesli and curd, drank some chai, cleaned my balcony, which overlooks lower Dharamkot, from the storm that swept through last night, put on some Zoe Keating, cracked a new book and occasionally glanced in the direction of the drifting clouds rolling in and out of this lovely Himalayan hillside, where I spent so much time last year.  Dharamkot and McLeod Ganj – I love you!  There is something about this place, it’s indescribable but the power of it can blindside you without warning.  Today, is no exception when I felt my heart chakra open up like a crazy beast and I was hit with a massive realization that I just couldn’t help but document.  Here goes…. I now know what I want in life!  Pretty big statement coming from anyone, right?  How often are people able to tell you exactly what they want, like REALLY want?  These are how my wants used to look:  I wanted a house - I got it.  I wanted my dream car - I got it.  I wanted beautiful girlfriends - I got them.  I wanted clinkage from regatta weekends - I got it. I wanted lots of money - I got it.  I wanted the awesome corporate ladder climbing job – I got it.  I wanted cheese cake - I got it. Those wants are easy to identify, they are tangible, something to touch, something to hold, something that’s easy to identify and explain, something you measure the success of by opening your eyes and looking at what’s in front of you and things you can write a project plan for how to obtain.  I wanted lots of that stuff and usually, I always got it and I knew how to get it and what the result would be.  As soon as I got one thing, I rarely enjoyed it and looked immediately to my next goal.  What I had was never enough and I always wanted more, bigger and better… whatever that meant.  Look what it got me... it got me to the place where all I wanted to do was empty my entire bowl of "accomplishments" and start over and for every moment to be a start over.   Holy shit have things shifted, changed and in this perpetual transitory state that is being, my “wants” have gotten… simple, or maybe more complicated, however you want to look at it.  So here goes…

My New List of Wants:

• I want to find joy in every moment
• I want to experience everything through my senses without discrimination, without a pretense of assumptions and expectations and without projection
• I want to experience the world, not simply see it, but experience it
• I want to inspire myself and others 
• I want to be healthy, patient, understanding and compassionate
• I want to continue to “feel [my] feelings with feeling” but with action and then let go
• I want to be present and nothing but present in each moment
• I want pure happiness and pure awareness
• I want to truly and unconditionally love myself and everyone else in my world and everything that takes one to get to that point (ie. establish and keep healthy boundaries, total honesty, non judgement, acceptance, etc.)
• I want to just be

That’s it.  That's not too much to ask, right? ;)  I truly believe that everything else will fall into place, all the people who will help nourish me, security, safety and logistical pieces... it will all just happen when it’s supposed to if all the “work” I do in my life is to fulfill these wants, or I'm more included to call them NEEDS.   Does that mean I sit still and wait for shit to happen?  Absolutely not but there is a fluidity to what revolves in the world when you're at ease and peace and it's not a constant struggle or a constant striving to fulfill desires.  Well, at least, I don't think there is. What does all this look like?  Fuck if I know but it’s what I want/need and I just realized when I chose to make a major life change, these were the only things I truly wanted but I didn’t understand, until now.

Travel summary from the past 2 ½ months coming soon! ;)

Mad Crazy Love n Shit!

Xxxox

Dirty

Same Same but Different

With a long blink the final mental and emotional preparations are made to open your lids fully, focus your gaze and look directly into the blue grey spheres that you used to lock onto for hours at a time so long ago.  They are a breath of familiarity, filled with passion, drive, warmth, friendship, acknowledgement, compassion, love and a life of experience.  The hair is different, lord knows it’s probably even seen every color of the rainbow since you last saw each other, the style has changed but oh god, there goes the smile.  The beam of light shooting horizontally across her face that made your heart skip into your throat and your knees weak streaks through your peripheral and your lips part ways do the same in response.  Two things so familiar that haven’t changed a bit, or have they?  It’s been years, who knows how many, maybe one, maybe 20 but what have those eyes seen, what have they experienced, what have they tackled and overcome?  What do you experience throughout time?  Take a moment to think about it, really think about it.  What have even the last 5 months of this new year brought into your life.  What have you seen?  What have you done?  What have you learned?  What have you overcome?  What have you fought and what have you won?  What has pushed you and what has pulled?  What has stung your eyes, made them tear up, made them swell with joy and love or ache in pain and sorrow?  I know for me, I’ve loved, learned, fought, cried, laughed, yelled, whispered, listened, debated, thought, embraced, absorbed and seen countless things I’ve never seen before.  The lessons I’ve learned in the first 5 months of this year are like nothing I’ve been able to grasp until now and the limitless possibilities of growth keep emerging.  I am NOT who I was when I left Seattle in December, not even close.  The Thai and Indians have a saying... same same but different... fitting right?

My last, which was my second, Vipassana in the lovely Lamphun, Thailand that ended in the beginning of May proved to be an ever mind blowing experience.  I had four profound epiphanies where I gained wisdom of things I felt like I had known but what I was feeling during those ten days made it… different.  I understood more of what I’ve been trying for years to grasp and emotions came through that I thought were long dead and conquered.  It was a really interesting and enlightening time.  My first Vipassana was like nothing I had ever experienced before and as I walked out of the gate on what was the first bright and sunny day in months, my smile couldn’t have been beaten off my face.  I walked with a cushion of air under the pads of my feet, my head felt – clear – my heart felt like it was going to explode but mostly, how I felt can’t be put to words, it was a feeling, a sensation that can only be known through experience.  Going into my second Vipassana I knew it was going to prove challenging in different respects and I wanted to prepare myself so I could make the most of it.  The place and people may be different but the practice is the exact same, the set up of discipline is the same, the schedule is the same, the familiar and comforting, yet odd Goenka sounding, chanting is the same and the discourses are the same.  You go into any subsequent Vipassana after your first knowing full well what you’re getting yourself into and there really are NO surprises, at least when it comes to the nitty gritty details.  Part of meditating or yoga or really anything in life is to have no expectations.   If you have an expectation, you’ll most likely experience frustration, sorrow, rage or whatever other ugly feeling may manifest if something doesn’t come to fruition like you had wanted.  Also, while looking for an expectation to be met, you may miss something new and so wonderful but so subtle that you would have only known it if you were paying attention to what was.  I can’t walk into the Lamphun center and expect to get the same outcome or have the same experience I had in Dharamsala 6 months prior.  I was mentally prepped and ready to dive head first into the practice with no expectation of what would come.  I was SET!

As the days drew on I felt I was doing really well at taking the experience for what it was and not thinking I should be feeling anything differently, I was just where I was, in everything I was doing.  It takes a few days to prep yourself to practice actual Vipassana so around day 5 I found myself doing something I didn’t think I would do, nor did I think it would be a challenge in in of itself.  “Oh man, my day 5 last time is when it was so physically painful I sobbed uncontrollably and involuntarily.  That’s not happening this time.  Ok…. Oh last time this or that happened…. Last time I thought this or didn’t think this…”  I stopped myself at one point, took myself out of the meditation hall and quietly whispered to myself, “what on earth are you doing?!”  While I didn’t have any expectations for what was going to happen, I had no specific desired outcome, except to just be, I was in the process of comparing 2 different experiences, while they may seem similar, were anything but similar.  It was getting me nowhere except away from my present moment and taking me further from being able to view and experience whatever it was, right then and there.  Trying to figure out if my day 5’s where similar was not going to accomplish anything.  Day 5 of Dharamsala Vipassana is done, it’s over, it was 6 months ago and that time is never going to be in front of me ever again.  It doesn’t matter what happened then, what matters is what’s happening now.  Holy shit!  It’s not just about having no expectations it’s about not comparing!!

That, ladies and gents was one of my four lightning bolt explosions.  There is so much more to being present that just “being present” it’s about TOTAL presence with no expectations for what’s going to happen and no analysis for how that present moment may or may not be comparable to another moment.  Every moment is different at every second of every day.  In a society where we’re driven by goals and seeing where we were last year compared to this year, it’s SO HARD to not compare.  I come from a competitive athlete background and I STILL remember my PR for a 2k erg piece, which happened when I was 17 years old high school rower!  I’m not 17 anymore!  Why would I want to compare what I did almost 15 years ago to what I can do now?!  How will that help my mental state and in turn, my performance?  You were a dancer or a gymnast or runner or a piano player or a <insert whatever awesome thing you did 2+ years ago> and you try to do it now and you’re just not as good or you don’t do as well.  Guess what kids?  We change!  Maybe you do better and if so, great but just enjoy what you’re able to do NOW.  Our talents change, our skills change, our bodies change, our minds change and you know, I’m not as efficient with my body on the erg anymore but you better believe that my flexibility and body control, thanks to yoga, is light years better than what it was when I was 17.  Who cares though?  I can’t make my 17 year old self remerge and make it better at yoga because that me is dead and gone so why would I think that same 17 year old is still around and able to what I used to be able to do on the erg?  If I want to row, enjoy rowing, be in my moment rowing, and do the best I can and improve upon where I am, I have to look at me NOW.  So many people get stuck in the rut of nostalgia and think “oh man, I used to be so good at that and now… I suck” and what good does that do them?  NONE!  Why focus on what you can’t do anymore and instead focus on the amazing things you can do? Or spend that time you dwell on your awesomeness of the past on actually working to get back to a more enjoyable level of achievement?  If there is nothing else you feel you do better now, than that’s a totally different discussion about LETTING GO!  That’s not what I’m talking about now though, not directly anyway.

Quite literally, every fraction of a second is different, in us, in the outside world, in the person we’re looking at.  We die and are reborn trillions of times a day physically, emotionally and mentally and some of the changes, ok, a overwhelming majority of the changes are so subtle that you usually don’t notice them but it happens, whether you’re consciously aware of it or not.   Mother Teresa said, “yesterday is gone.  Tomorrow has not yet come.  We have only today.  Let us begin.”  If we are living in our present moment but comparing what we’re doing, how we’re acting, what we’re seeing, experiencing, saying to something we did in the past, we are NOT living in the present moment and we are potentially robbing ourselves of fully embracing and acting on what’s in front of us at that very second. 

Those blue grey wells I drowned in so many times before may look the same, they may even glow and glisten the same in the sun or when she smiles but they are not the same.  The moment I left her she was different and each moment after that until the very moment we locked eyes again, she is different.  Whenever I see her again, with each breath she takes she’s different.  I am different.  It doesn’t matter if the last time we spoke, the last time we saw each other was with smiles, kisses and hugs or with anger, rage and tears.  Whatever happened in the past, is gone.  That person I knew, is gone.  That person I was, is gone.  What’s important, is now. 

Someone you loved, admired and appreciated so much in the past could have had experiences that made them go down a completely different path and they are no longer that bright and smiling person you adored and instead became dark and brooding.  Conversely, someone you had severe animosity towards, harbored immense aversion and hatred could have seen things in this world that made them experience something deeper and they could be a transformed and wonderful soul.  The only way you will truly know the person you’re looking at is if you let them be, who they are, at that very moment, with no expectations and no comparison.  I feel the “no expectations” is pretty common sense but just in case, here is my take:

 There are those who say (we’ll call them pessimists J) “I keep low expectations so that if ANYTHING good happens it’ll be good.”  I used to be like this, probably until about 5 years ago and while sometimes it worked, it really did keep your mind in a perpetual negative state and I’ve found it true that the universe will match your attitude.  Others have high expectations and set themselves up for disappointment if those expectations aren’t met.  The only way to truly be at peace with what’s going on is if you have no expectations at all.  You don’t exact anything good, you don’t expect anything bad, you just are aware, accepting and open to whatever is and you just let it be.  If it ends up being something you like, you act accordingly and if it ends up being something to your distaste you act accordingly as well.

Comparisons can be rather similar but instead of anticipating what you’re going to encounter, instead you encounter and then try to see how it lines up with what you knew.  When you compare, you’re trying to see if something is better or worse, attributing a quick judgment based on your past experience(s).  I’m speaking from my own experience but I have noticed myself, when I compare something that I may have thought was “bad” in the past, I can feel myself somewhere very subtle in my consciousness, looking for any hints of what I was averse to before and in the process, not really paying full attention and seeing the full scope of the situation or person I’m with.  Who knows what I’m missing while I’m doing my comparison!?  I don’t!  It’s not that I’m not listening, because I am, it’s just really hard to see all of what something is when you’re trying to find certain similarities.  Not only am I not being completely mindful but dare I say, I may even be waiting for this person to "fail" in my eyes?  Even if there are similarities what does it matter?  It doesn’t matter if someone is the same or different, it just matters that you know who they are now and how that may work in your current space in life.  For those who have been near and dear to you in life, who you’ve loved in countless ways, the comparison may be different.  You may be looking for those same qualities the person held before that keeps you holding on (aaahhh attachment, I think I covered this in a past blog but that’s a subject all on its own) and projecting that into who they are now and ignoring or missing some glaring things that may indicate their present moment and state is indeed very different.  How often do we date people because we "see the potential" in them and not actually see them for who they are at that second.  It goes the same way where we are with someone and we make the choice to just focus on who they were before that current moment and ignore who they actually are right then.   In either case, you are really only hurting one person by doing this – you.  Comparing anything keeps one foot in the past while one is in the present so you’re never fully there and you may miss an opportunity to see someone for their true present self, whether they are amazing and will provide much enrichment in your life, or whether they may be going a totally opposite direction which could lead to some unnecessary struggles.  What’s important is not what’s changed, it rests solely on what is, and that’s it!

I’m realizing just how hard this is going to be, as I’ve already had a few encounters, in person and through other means, with people I haven’t been in contact with for some time.  It feels almost inherent to do a quick comparison checklist in my head while I’m on Skype or reading an email and each time I’ve caught myself doing it I’ve realized I’m not truly embracing the reality as it is.  There are a few instances in my life where I really want to make sure I'm ready to look someone in the eyes, and I would greatly prefer it be their eyes just a matter of actual feet in front of me, verses virtual feet and be able to do this.  It doesn't even matter if they are going to do the same for me all I want is to be fully clear, open and accepting of that moment.  I mean, I really should want to do this with everyone, right but if given the chance to push a pause button, where I feel necessary, I will and I have.  I would say that I want to do this to be fair to the person in my life but really what it comes down to, I want to do this for me.  I want to be fair and true to myself by leaving past perspectives aside and soaking in whatever is happening right at that second.  It’s not for others, it’s for me, but in ensuring I’m doing myself justice and I’m making healthy decisions based on as complete a picture as I can capture, I can’t do anything but good for others.  It’s not even denoting if someone is a “good” or “bad” person it’s just understanding who they really are right then and if, at that moment, our true connection will be symbiotic or potentially catastrophic. 

Every interaction I’ve ever had with anyone in my life is gone and it will never be that same interaction again.  I have to let everything that happened before this second go and never look back and it’s not just for those I’ve been intimate and in love with but with everyone from friends and family to acquaintances.  Everyone deserves to get looked at through fresh eyes and I definitely deserve to look at everyone with fresh eyes and a fresh perspective.  It’s how we grow, how we flourish and how we determine where our limited and very valuable commodity of TIME goes.  The only way to truly do that is with both feet directly under you, not splayed out between two logs on a river that are drifting to opposing shores.  That just sounds like a recipe for accidental splits and a shredded groin!

Hari Om bitches!

Xxxox

Dirty

p.s.  btw, loved north Thailand and looking forward to going back to explore there and stay in Bangkok as little time as possible J  I had to provide SOME kind of travel update, yeah?  I’d be an awful travel writer!