Same Same but Different

With a long blink the final mental and emotional preparations are made to open your lids fully, focus your gaze and look directly into the blue grey spheres that you used to lock onto for hours at a time so long ago.  They are a breath of familiarity, filled with passion, drive, warmth, friendship, acknowledgement, compassion, love and a life of experience.  The hair is different, lord knows it’s probably even seen every color of the rainbow since you last saw each other, the style has changed but oh god, there goes the smile.  The beam of light shooting horizontally across her face that made your heart skip into your throat and your knees weak streaks through your peripheral and your lips part ways do the same in response.  Two things so familiar that haven’t changed a bit, or have they?  It’s been years, who knows how many, maybe one, maybe 20 but what have those eyes seen, what have they experienced, what have they tackled and overcome?  What do you experience throughout time?  Take a moment to think about it, really think about it.  What have even the last 5 months of this new year brought into your life.  What have you seen?  What have you done?  What have you learned?  What have you overcome?  What have you fought and what have you won?  What has pushed you and what has pulled?  What has stung your eyes, made them tear up, made them swell with joy and love or ache in pain and sorrow?  I know for me, I’ve loved, learned, fought, cried, laughed, yelled, whispered, listened, debated, thought, embraced, absorbed and seen countless things I’ve never seen before.  The lessons I’ve learned in the first 5 months of this year are like nothing I’ve been able to grasp until now and the limitless possibilities of growth keep emerging.  I am NOT who I was when I left Seattle in December, not even close.  The Thai and Indians have a saying... same same but different... fitting right?

My last, which was my second, Vipassana in the lovely Lamphun, Thailand that ended in the beginning of May proved to be an ever mind blowing experience.  I had four profound epiphanies where I gained wisdom of things I felt like I had known but what I was feeling during those ten days made it… different.  I understood more of what I’ve been trying for years to grasp and emotions came through that I thought were long dead and conquered.  It was a really interesting and enlightening time.  My first Vipassana was like nothing I had ever experienced before and as I walked out of the gate on what was the first bright and sunny day in months, my smile couldn’t have been beaten off my face.  I walked with a cushion of air under the pads of my feet, my head felt – clear – my heart felt like it was going to explode but mostly, how I felt can’t be put to words, it was a feeling, a sensation that can only be known through experience.  Going into my second Vipassana I knew it was going to prove challenging in different respects and I wanted to prepare myself so I could make the most of it.  The place and people may be different but the practice is the exact same, the set up of discipline is the same, the schedule is the same, the familiar and comforting, yet odd Goenka sounding, chanting is the same and the discourses are the same.  You go into any subsequent Vipassana after your first knowing full well what you’re getting yourself into and there really are NO surprises, at least when it comes to the nitty gritty details.  Part of meditating or yoga or really anything in life is to have no expectations.   If you have an expectation, you’ll most likely experience frustration, sorrow, rage or whatever other ugly feeling may manifest if something doesn’t come to fruition like you had wanted.  Also, while looking for an expectation to be met, you may miss something new and so wonderful but so subtle that you would have only known it if you were paying attention to what was.  I can’t walk into the Lamphun center and expect to get the same outcome or have the same experience I had in Dharamsala 6 months prior.  I was mentally prepped and ready to dive head first into the practice with no expectation of what would come.  I was SET!

As the days drew on I felt I was doing really well at taking the experience for what it was and not thinking I should be feeling anything differently, I was just where I was, in everything I was doing.  It takes a few days to prep yourself to practice actual Vipassana so around day 5 I found myself doing something I didn’t think I would do, nor did I think it would be a challenge in in of itself.  “Oh man, my day 5 last time is when it was so physically painful I sobbed uncontrollably and involuntarily.  That’s not happening this time.  Ok…. Oh last time this or that happened…. Last time I thought this or didn’t think this…”  I stopped myself at one point, took myself out of the meditation hall and quietly whispered to myself, “what on earth are you doing?!”  While I didn’t have any expectations for what was going to happen, I had no specific desired outcome, except to just be, I was in the process of comparing 2 different experiences, while they may seem similar, were anything but similar.  It was getting me nowhere except away from my present moment and taking me further from being able to view and experience whatever it was, right then and there.  Trying to figure out if my day 5’s where similar was not going to accomplish anything.  Day 5 of Dharamsala Vipassana is done, it’s over, it was 6 months ago and that time is never going to be in front of me ever again.  It doesn’t matter what happened then, what matters is what’s happening now.  Holy shit!  It’s not just about having no expectations it’s about not comparing!!

That, ladies and gents was one of my four lightning bolt explosions.  There is so much more to being present that just “being present” it’s about TOTAL presence with no expectations for what’s going to happen and no analysis for how that present moment may or may not be comparable to another moment.  Every moment is different at every second of every day.  In a society where we’re driven by goals and seeing where we were last year compared to this year, it’s SO HARD to not compare.  I come from a competitive athlete background and I STILL remember my PR for a 2k erg piece, which happened when I was 17 years old high school rower!  I’m not 17 anymore!  Why would I want to compare what I did almost 15 years ago to what I can do now?!  How will that help my mental state and in turn, my performance?  You were a dancer or a gymnast or runner or a piano player or a <insert whatever awesome thing you did 2+ years ago> and you try to do it now and you’re just not as good or you don’t do as well.  Guess what kids?  We change!  Maybe you do better and if so, great but just enjoy what you’re able to do NOW.  Our talents change, our skills change, our bodies change, our minds change and you know, I’m not as efficient with my body on the erg anymore but you better believe that my flexibility and body control, thanks to yoga, is light years better than what it was when I was 17.  Who cares though?  I can’t make my 17 year old self remerge and make it better at yoga because that me is dead and gone so why would I think that same 17 year old is still around and able to what I used to be able to do on the erg?  If I want to row, enjoy rowing, be in my moment rowing, and do the best I can and improve upon where I am, I have to look at me NOW.  So many people get stuck in the rut of nostalgia and think “oh man, I used to be so good at that and now… I suck” and what good does that do them?  NONE!  Why focus on what you can’t do anymore and instead focus on the amazing things you can do? Or spend that time you dwell on your awesomeness of the past on actually working to get back to a more enjoyable level of achievement?  If there is nothing else you feel you do better now, than that’s a totally different discussion about LETTING GO!  That’s not what I’m talking about now though, not directly anyway.

Quite literally, every fraction of a second is different, in us, in the outside world, in the person we’re looking at.  We die and are reborn trillions of times a day physically, emotionally and mentally and some of the changes, ok, a overwhelming majority of the changes are so subtle that you usually don’t notice them but it happens, whether you’re consciously aware of it or not.   Mother Teresa said, “yesterday is gone.  Tomorrow has not yet come.  We have only today.  Let us begin.”  If we are living in our present moment but comparing what we’re doing, how we’re acting, what we’re seeing, experiencing, saying to something we did in the past, we are NOT living in the present moment and we are potentially robbing ourselves of fully embracing and acting on what’s in front of us at that very second. 

Those blue grey wells I drowned in so many times before may look the same, they may even glow and glisten the same in the sun or when she smiles but they are not the same.  The moment I left her she was different and each moment after that until the very moment we locked eyes again, she is different.  Whenever I see her again, with each breath she takes she’s different.  I am different.  It doesn’t matter if the last time we spoke, the last time we saw each other was with smiles, kisses and hugs or with anger, rage and tears.  Whatever happened in the past, is gone.  That person I knew, is gone.  That person I was, is gone.  What’s important, is now. 

Someone you loved, admired and appreciated so much in the past could have had experiences that made them go down a completely different path and they are no longer that bright and smiling person you adored and instead became dark and brooding.  Conversely, someone you had severe animosity towards, harbored immense aversion and hatred could have seen things in this world that made them experience something deeper and they could be a transformed and wonderful soul.  The only way you will truly know the person you’re looking at is if you let them be, who they are, at that very moment, with no expectations and no comparison.  I feel the “no expectations” is pretty common sense but just in case, here is my take:

 There are those who say (we’ll call them pessimists J) “I keep low expectations so that if ANYTHING good happens it’ll be good.”  I used to be like this, probably until about 5 years ago and while sometimes it worked, it really did keep your mind in a perpetual negative state and I’ve found it true that the universe will match your attitude.  Others have high expectations and set themselves up for disappointment if those expectations aren’t met.  The only way to truly be at peace with what’s going on is if you have no expectations at all.  You don’t exact anything good, you don’t expect anything bad, you just are aware, accepting and open to whatever is and you just let it be.  If it ends up being something you like, you act accordingly and if it ends up being something to your distaste you act accordingly as well.

Comparisons can be rather similar but instead of anticipating what you’re going to encounter, instead you encounter and then try to see how it lines up with what you knew.  When you compare, you’re trying to see if something is better or worse, attributing a quick judgment based on your past experience(s).  I’m speaking from my own experience but I have noticed myself, when I compare something that I may have thought was “bad” in the past, I can feel myself somewhere very subtle in my consciousness, looking for any hints of what I was averse to before and in the process, not really paying full attention and seeing the full scope of the situation or person I’m with.  Who knows what I’m missing while I’m doing my comparison!?  I don’t!  It’s not that I’m not listening, because I am, it’s just really hard to see all of what something is when you’re trying to find certain similarities.  Not only am I not being completely mindful but dare I say, I may even be waiting for this person to "fail" in my eyes?  Even if there are similarities what does it matter?  It doesn’t matter if someone is the same or different, it just matters that you know who they are now and how that may work in your current space in life.  For those who have been near and dear to you in life, who you’ve loved in countless ways, the comparison may be different.  You may be looking for those same qualities the person held before that keeps you holding on (aaahhh attachment, I think I covered this in a past blog but that’s a subject all on its own) and projecting that into who they are now and ignoring or missing some glaring things that may indicate their present moment and state is indeed very different.  How often do we date people because we "see the potential" in them and not actually see them for who they are at that second.  It goes the same way where we are with someone and we make the choice to just focus on who they were before that current moment and ignore who they actually are right then.   In either case, you are really only hurting one person by doing this – you.  Comparing anything keeps one foot in the past while one is in the present so you’re never fully there and you may miss an opportunity to see someone for their true present self, whether they are amazing and will provide much enrichment in your life, or whether they may be going a totally opposite direction which could lead to some unnecessary struggles.  What’s important is not what’s changed, it rests solely on what is, and that’s it!

I’m realizing just how hard this is going to be, as I’ve already had a few encounters, in person and through other means, with people I haven’t been in contact with for some time.  It feels almost inherent to do a quick comparison checklist in my head while I’m on Skype or reading an email and each time I’ve caught myself doing it I’ve realized I’m not truly embracing the reality as it is.  There are a few instances in my life where I really want to make sure I'm ready to look someone in the eyes, and I would greatly prefer it be their eyes just a matter of actual feet in front of me, verses virtual feet and be able to do this.  It doesn't even matter if they are going to do the same for me all I want is to be fully clear, open and accepting of that moment.  I mean, I really should want to do this with everyone, right but if given the chance to push a pause button, where I feel necessary, I will and I have.  I would say that I want to do this to be fair to the person in my life but really what it comes down to, I want to do this for me.  I want to be fair and true to myself by leaving past perspectives aside and soaking in whatever is happening right at that second.  It’s not for others, it’s for me, but in ensuring I’m doing myself justice and I’m making healthy decisions based on as complete a picture as I can capture, I can’t do anything but good for others.  It’s not even denoting if someone is a “good” or “bad” person it’s just understanding who they really are right then and if, at that moment, our true connection will be symbiotic or potentially catastrophic. 

Every interaction I’ve ever had with anyone in my life is gone and it will never be that same interaction again.  I have to let everything that happened before this second go and never look back and it’s not just for those I’ve been intimate and in love with but with everyone from friends and family to acquaintances.  Everyone deserves to get looked at through fresh eyes and I definitely deserve to look at everyone with fresh eyes and a fresh perspective.  It’s how we grow, how we flourish and how we determine where our limited and very valuable commodity of TIME goes.  The only way to truly do that is with both feet directly under you, not splayed out between two logs on a river that are drifting to opposing shores.  That just sounds like a recipe for accidental splits and a shredded groin!

Hari Om bitches!

Xxxox

Dirty

p.s.  btw, loved north Thailand and looking forward to going back to explore there and stay in Bangkok as little time as possible J  I had to provide SOME kind of travel update, yeah?  I’d be an awful travel writer!