3:30am

Real entry below a bit.  This stuff is just jet lagged banter :)

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Jet lag is a bitch!  So is a painful cough, courtesy of being around so much smoke the last few days of my travels. *coughs* God damn... that hurts! *grabs my chest*  Oh, and laser hair removal is also a big bitch!  I haven't done them yet but I'm pretty sure taxes are also going to be monster huge bitch. You know what's not a bitch?  My mother effin friends!  They have been so amazing and I wish I could see everyone before taking off to Maui BUT at least I'm giving myself WAY more time than the originally planned 3 weeks between travel round 2 and REALLY BIG travel round 3. Also, my hairdresser is not a bitch!  Jessee is amazing and I'm lovin my new hairs... BAD!

I'm messing so much with my body's clock right now, I'm fearful I may get sick from just the confusion of what day is what.  Tomorrow, I mean, I guess in a matter of hours when it's appropriate to be awake, I need to load up on some kombucha, master cleanse and fresh lemon and ginger to battle this already acquired cough and any impending ick.  I should also probably stop drinking ze alcohol until I feel like my body has fully adjusted to being...somewhere.

Below is my latest, actual, journal entry. :)  Oh and one random piece of info, I have decided I'm not reactivating my smartphone, mostly because it completely negates what you're about to read.  I feel great about it and everyone can expect my full, undivided attention when we spend time together because I'm living in the now, now. ;)

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Be Here, Be Present

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

That’s a mantra I use frequently when I’m focusing in yoga, on my breath, on my body position, on being free in the mind.  I want to quote a passage from Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist:

The camel driver, though, seemed not to be very concerned with the threat of war.

“I’m alive,” he said to the boy, as they ate a bunch of dates one night, with no fires and no moon.  “When I’m eating, that’s all I think about.  If I’m on the march, I just concentrate on marching.  If I have to fight, it will be just as good a day to die as any other.

Because I don’t live in either my past or my future.  I’m interested only in the present.  If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy man.  You’ll see that there is life in the desert, that there are stars in the heavens, and that tribesmen fight because they are part of the human race.  Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we’re living right now.”

I really can’t tell you when I changed, when the transition from perfectly calculated Jess, always thinking of what’s next?  What’s my next move?  I’ve reached my goal or destination, so now what’s going to be my next goal or destination?  What will this turn into in the future?  Is there even a future?  Everything used to be part of a plan, my career, my finances, my social life, where I was going to be from one minute to the next and now, while I haven’t completely thrown it all to the weigh side, I’ve really tried to slow the fuck down and just ENJOY! 

I can’t thank one thing in particular for what I like to think is a good change.  My former best friend tried to teach me to be more spontaneous, my ex girlfriend tried to teach me to slow down, yoga feels more amazing when my mind isn’t afloat and worrying about anything, at all.  The combination of so many things has made me understand and appreciate the simple joys of just breathing, truly opening my eyes and looking around at where I am, who I’m with and what I’m doing, RIGHT NOW.  There was not a single moment during the last 9 weeks when I was wanting the day to disappear and give me a different day.  I wasn’t looking forward to Cape Town when I was in Lesotho.  I didn’t make plans for Europe until moments before leaving Cape Town and while I missed my home, my family and my friends greatly, reached out to those as often as I’d allow, I didn’t want to be home, I wanted to be right where I was. 

I had everything.  I had a nice house, my adorable car, a very well paying, fun but completely unsatisfying job, all the shit I could need plus a ton more and incredibly loving family and friends.  The only thing I’ve realized I want to hold onto is the latter two and the rest doesn’t matter, never has and never will.  None of that matters when living in the moment and if anything, holds you back from doing what you really want to do, what really makes you happy.  I told Martina yesterday I never want to wish for the current day to leave, I never want to wake up Monday and wish for it to be Friday at 5pm so I can have 2 out of 7 days to enjoy.  I want to enjoy every day, make the most of every situation, enjoy each second as if that second will never last and not worry about what the next second will bring.  If there is one thing I’ve learned on this first adventure, it’s just that and while I’m not perfect at it, I’m always working to be better.  I’ve never been one to live in the past but I do reflect on things that have happened, try to understand what I learned from them and then move on from there but the moment I’m in right now is the one that counts.

I have wasted so many days of my life just going through a routine in search of the next step in life when really, I was always on the step I needed to be.  I’ve missed out on a number of amazing experiences because I was too focused on what was going to happen, where this path was leading.  I had a terrible Christmas in 2008 because I was longing for the experience we had the year prior when my entire family was together and wanting the next Christmas to come so it could be like that again.  I didn’t sit there and enjoy the fact I was with my loving mother and step-father and enjoy being with them.  I’ve had countless situations where I’ve been glued to my phone, trying to plan my next step in the day and completely ignoring the people and place I was currently.  I’ve sat at a table waiting for breakfast to be served, playing napkin football with a beautiful woman I loved and adored who was smiling and looking at me like only she could, and I was worried about what was of our future instead of just enjoying being with her, right at that moment.  I spent 5 hours and 45 minutes wogging a marathon (I REALLY need to do another one and crush that time), that I really just wanted to finish.  I never once looked around me and just looked straight ahead, focused on finishing, instead of breathing in the air of 30,000 other people who were joining me in the same crazy event and looking at the beautiful city of San Diego from a vantage point rarely seen by anyone else.  I’ve won regattas and never celebrated the victory because my mind was immediately focused on the next one.  I’ve been at concert festivals where I’m listening to someone I love so much but worried about what time it is so I can rush off to see someone else.  Countless times I’ve been stuck in traffic, with no choice but to just be, and I’m angry I can’t get to wherever it is I’m going, instead of sitting back, relaxing and enjoying the new CD I’d just purchased and appreciating the extra time I have to sing at the top of my lungs and do crazy car dancing, which I LOOOOVE doing.

I could name so many other situations and I know each of you can too.  There is something magical about “being present” that just makes you feel so amazing and feel so grateful and appreciative.  Will I ever be perfect at being in the now, being present and not rushing to the next thing?  Certainly not, but it’s definitely my new goal of practice and one I’m glad to take one minute at a time.  That moment in the restaurant with the beautiful girl, I was lucky to have captured that moment on camera.  I look back at it from time to time, not out of longing for that moment again but reminding myself, when I need reminding, that those moments are ones I must enjoy as they are happening because you never really know what’s going to happen in the future… so love that moment, in its moment.

On a less introspective note – I’m flying back to the US and I really do enjoy me some international travel on airlines not run by the US and not going anywhere near the US.  Everything feels so cheap and I’ve already had 15 minutes of ads for things of the like of Godiva thrown in my face without an ability to get rid of the images.  Well, I was typing instead of watching but the audio was over the speakers.  Gross!  I also miss the Airbus A380 TONS!  Every flight over 4 hours should be on one of those dreams.

Oh and Aileen gave me the new Adele album and Oh…EM… GEE!!  So good!  God that super young woman knows how to rip out your beating heart and make you stare at it in your hands.  I teared up and I wasn’t even thinking of anything, just playing FreeCell.  What the what?  Which, by the way, I’m on a 30 game winning streak or something.  I need to find something else because I’m pretty sure I’ve mastered that game.